From 40bbef9cd8308bea483b0b32dc08060dc122f510 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Runebaas Date: Fri, 15 Sep 2017 00:01:00 +0200 Subject: [PATCH 1/2] Adding Dice Command --- Geekbot.net/Modules/Dice.cs | 54 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Geekbot.net/Modules/Roll.cs | 8 ------ 2 files changed, 54 insertions(+), 8 deletions(-) create mode 100644 Geekbot.net/Modules/Dice.cs diff --git a/Geekbot.net/Modules/Dice.cs b/Geekbot.net/Modules/Dice.cs new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b559446 --- /dev/null +++ b/Geekbot.net/Modules/Dice.cs @@ -0,0 +1,54 @@ +using System; +using System.Text; +using System.Threading.Tasks; +using Discord; +using Discord.Commands; +using StackExchange.Redis; + +namespace Geekbot.net.Modules +{ + public class Dice : ModuleBase + { + private readonly Random rnd; + public Dice(Random RandomClient) + { + rnd = RandomClient; + } + + [Command("dice", RunMode = RunMode.Async), Summary("Roll a dice.")] + public async Task RollCommand([Remainder, Summary("1d20, 1d6, 2d3, etc...")] string diceType = "1d6") + { + var dice = diceType.Split("d"); + + if (dice.Length != 2 + || !int.TryParse(dice[0], out int times) + || !int.TryParse(dice[1], out int max)) + { + await ReplyAsync("That is not a valid dice, examples are: 1d20, 1d6, 2d10, 5d12, etc..."); + return; + } + Console.WriteLine($"Max: {max} - Times {times}"); + if (times > 10 && !(times < 0)) + { + await ReplyAsync("You can only roll between 1 and 10 dices"); + return; + } + if (max > 100 && !(max < 1)) + { + await ReplyAsync("The dice must have between 1 and 100 sides"); + return; + } + var eb = new EmbedBuilder(); + eb.WithAuthor(new EmbedAuthorBuilder() + .WithIconUrl(Context.User.GetAvatarUrl()) + .WithName(Context.User.Username)); + eb.WithColor(new Color(133, 189, 219)); + eb.Title = $":game_die: Dice Roll - Type {diceType} :game_die:"; + for (var i = 0; i < times; i++) + { + eb.AddInlineField($"Dice {i+1}", rnd.Next(1, max)); + } + await ReplyAsync("", false, eb.Build()); + } + } +} \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/Geekbot.net/Modules/Roll.cs b/Geekbot.net/Modules/Roll.cs index b953859..1c8755d 100644 --- a/Geekbot.net/Modules/Roll.cs +++ b/Geekbot.net/Modules/Roll.cs @@ -1,7 +1,6 @@ using System; using System.Threading.Tasks; using Discord.Commands; -using Geekbot.net.Lib; using StackExchange.Redis; namespace Geekbot.net.Modules @@ -38,12 +37,5 @@ namespace Geekbot.net.Modules await ReplyAsync(Context.Message.Author.Mention + ", you rolled " + number); } } - - [Command("dice", RunMode = RunMode.Async), Summary("Roll a dice")] - public async Task DiceCommand([Summary("The highest number on the dice")] int max = 6) - { - var number = rnd.Next(1, max); - await ReplyAsync(Context.Message.Author.Mention + ", you rolled " + number); - } } } \ No newline at end of file From 35064cf90bbeaf80f7b37ccf14644a54206617f6 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Runebaas Date: Fri, 15 Sep 2017 00:31:13 +0200 Subject: [PATCH 2/2] Adding Fortunes --- Geekbot.net/Lib/Fortunes.cs | 48 + Geekbot.net/Modules/Fortune.cs | 22 + Geekbot.net/Program.cs | 13 +- Geekbot.net/fortunes | 9760 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ derp.ico | Bin 370070 -> 0 bytes 5 files changed, 9838 insertions(+), 5 deletions(-) create mode 100644 Geekbot.net/Lib/Fortunes.cs create mode 100644 Geekbot.net/Modules/Fortune.cs create mode 100644 Geekbot.net/fortunes delete mode 100644 derp.ico diff --git a/Geekbot.net/Lib/Fortunes.cs b/Geekbot.net/Lib/Fortunes.cs new file mode 100644 index 0000000..15cc710 --- /dev/null +++ b/Geekbot.net/Lib/Fortunes.cs @@ -0,0 +1,48 @@ +using System; +using System.Collections.Generic; +using System.IO; +using System.Text; +using System.Text.RegularExpressions; + +namespace Geekbot.net.Lib +{ + class Fortunes : IFortunes + { + private string[] fortuneArray; + private int totalFortunes; + private Random rnd; + + public Fortunes() + { + var path = Path.GetFullPath("./fortunes"); + if (File.Exists(path)) + { + var rawFortunes= File.ReadAllText(path); + fortuneArray = rawFortunes.Split("%"); + totalFortunes = fortuneArray.Length; + rnd = new Random(); + } + else + { + Console.WriteLine("Fortunes File not found"); + Console.WriteLine($"Path should be {path}"); + } + } + + public string GetRandomFortune() + { + return fortuneArray[rnd.Next(0, totalFortunes)]; + } + + public string GetFortune(int id) + { + return fortuneArray[id]; + } + } + + public interface IFortunes + { + string GetRandomFortune(); + string GetFortune(int id); + } +} diff --git a/Geekbot.net/Modules/Fortune.cs b/Geekbot.net/Modules/Fortune.cs new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c898750 --- /dev/null +++ b/Geekbot.net/Modules/Fortune.cs @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ +using System; +using System.Threading.Tasks; +using Discord.Commands; +using Geekbot.net.Lib; + +namespace Geekbot.net.Modules +{ + public class Fortune : ModuleBase + { + private readonly IFortunes fortunes; + public Fortune(IFortunes fortunes) + { + this.fortunes = fortunes; + } + + [Command("fortune", RunMode = RunMode.Async), Summary("Get a random fortune")] + public async Task GetAFortune() + { + await ReplyAsync(fortunes.GetRandomFortune()); + } + } +} diff --git a/Geekbot.net/Program.cs b/Geekbot.net/Program.cs index 7b000a3..63cebad 100755 --- a/Geekbot.net/Program.cs +++ b/Geekbot.net/Program.cs @@ -32,13 +32,14 @@ namespace Geekbot.net Console.WriteLine(@"| |_| | |___| |___| . \| |_) | |_| || |"); Console.WriteLine(@" \____|_____|_____|_|\_\____/ \___/ |_|"); Console.WriteLine("========================================="); - Console.WriteLine("Starting..."); + Console.WriteLine("* Starting..."); new Program().MainAsync().GetAwaiter().GetResult(); } public async Task MainAsync() { + Console.WriteLine("* Initing Stuff"); client = new DiscordSocketClient(); commands = new CommandService(); @@ -67,11 +68,13 @@ namespace Geekbot.net } services = new ServiceCollection(); + var fortunes = new Fortunes(); var RandomClient = new Random(); + services.AddSingleton(fortunes); services.AddSingleton(RandomClient); services.AddSingleton(redis); - Console.WriteLine("Connecting to Discord..."); + Console.WriteLine("* Connecting to Discord"); await Login(); @@ -88,9 +91,9 @@ namespace Geekbot.net if (isConneted) { await client.SetGameAsync("Ping Pong"); - Console.WriteLine($"Now Connected to {client.Guilds.Count} Servers"); + Console.WriteLine($"* Now Connected to {client.Guilds.Count} Servers"); - Console.WriteLine("Registering Stuff"); + Console.WriteLine("* Registering Stuff"); client.MessageReceived += HandleCommand; client.MessageReceived += HandleMessageReceived; @@ -98,7 +101,7 @@ namespace Geekbot.net await commands.AddModulesAsync(Assembly.GetEntryAssembly()); servicesProvider = services.BuildServiceProvider(); - Console.WriteLine("Done and ready for use...\n"); + Console.WriteLine("* Done and ready for use\n"); } } catch (AggregateException) diff --git a/Geekbot.net/fortunes b/Geekbot.net/fortunes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..49a6171 --- /dev/null +++ b/Geekbot.net/fortunes @@ -0,0 +1,9760 @@ +% +"... the educated person is not the person who can answer the questions, but +the person who can question the answers." + ― Theodore Schick Jr., in The_Skeptical_Inquirer, March/April, 1997 +% +"A little fire, Scarecrow?" +% +"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of +being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of +incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague +assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents +and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of +dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of +annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was +unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place." + ― IEEE Grid newsmagazine +% +"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing." +% +"Anchovies? You've got the wrong man! I spell my name DANGER! (click)" +% +"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence." + ― Time Bandits +% +"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds +himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous +resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their +ignorance the hard way." + ― Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" +% +"But I don't like Spam!" +% +"But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad place +to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. Why do +people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a kludge, +after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, poor +quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I explained yet +about the bytes?" +% +"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle." + ― Alice Roosevelt Longworth +% +"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be; and +if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" + ― Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" +% +"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple +and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and +because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be +more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our +entire intellectual heritage ― good teaching ― than a bill forcing +honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment +to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any +general understanding of science as an enterprise? + ― Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer", Vol. 12, page 186 +% +"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" ― it implies all sorts of +marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", +quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can +claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. + ― Randy Davis +% +"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow." +% +"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a +conventional thing to happen to him." + ― John Barrymore's dying words +% +"Do not stop to ask what is it; + Let us go and make our visit." + ― T. S. Eliot, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" +% +"Do you have blacks, too?" + ― George W. Bush, to Brazilian president Fernando Cardoso; + Washington, D.C., November 8, 2001 +% +"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash." + ― Bo Diddley +% +"Don't say yes until I finish talking." + ― Darryl F. Zanuck +% +"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing." +% +"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." + ― Jeff Berner +% +"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." + ― Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" +% +"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it." +% +"Grub first, then ethics." + ― Bertolt Brecht +% +"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech." + ― Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush + wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be + no loss of wetlands +% +"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes..." +% +"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..." +% +"His mind is like a steel trap ― full of mice." + ― Foghorn Leghorn +% +"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." + ― William Gilbert +% +"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!" + ― Paul McCracken +% +"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." + ― English Professor +% +"I didn't accept it. I received it." + ― Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, + explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by + two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private + interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan. +% +"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating." + ― Boss Tweed +% +"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." + ― Ashleigh Brilliant +% +"I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked +at in the right way, did not become still more complicated." + ― Paul Anderson +% +"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." + ― Bill Hoest +% +"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." + ― Ashleigh Brilliant +% +"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially +members of the House and members of the Senate." + ― former Vice-President Dan Quayle +% +"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes." + ― President Richard Nixon +% +"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous." +% +"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?" +% +"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!" + ― "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) +% +"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." + ― J. Paul Getty +% +"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is +make the rubble bounce." + ― Winston Churchill +% +"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." + ― Winston Churchill, of Montgomery +% +"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. +They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their +heads in a nodding position." + ― John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, + responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission + inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were + sleeping on the job. +% +"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is +lightly greased." + ― Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" +% +"It was hell," recalls former child. + ― caption to a B. Kliban cartoon +% +"It's bad luck to be superstitious." + ― Andrew W. Mathis +% +"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either." + ― Kevin White, mayor of Boston +% +"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune + to bullets" + ― The Brigader, "Dr. Who" +% +"Laughter is the closest distance between two people." + ― Victor Borge +% +"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into +the smallest amount of thoughts." + ― Winston Churchill +% +"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." + ― Lily Tomlin +% +"Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!" +% +"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you +out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles." +% +"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong." +% +"Of COURSE it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?" +% +"One planet is all you get." +% +"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to." + ― Gypsy Rose Lee +% +"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have +taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an +excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature." + ― Samuel Johnson +% +"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly." +% +"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something +else anyway." + ― Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane +% +"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even +one which cannot be justified on any other grounds." + ― J. Finnegan, USC. +% +"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all." +% +"The C Programming Language: A language which combines the flexibility of +assembly language with the power of assembly language." +% +"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as +we could with both of them." + ― Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" +% +The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. +% +"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell +into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him +out again, it would be a calamity." + ― Benjamin Disraeli +% +The brain is a beautifully engineered get-out-of-the-way machine that +constantly scans the environment for things out of whose way it should +right now get. That's what brains did for several hundred million years ― +and then, just a few million years ago, the mammalian brain learned a new +trick: to predict the timing and location of dangers before they actually +happened. + +Our ability to duck that which is not yet coming is one of the brain's most +stunning innovations, and we wouldn't have dental floss or 401(k) plans +without it. But this innovation is in the early stages of development. The +application that allows us to respond to visible baseballs is ancient and +reliable, but the add-on utility that allows us to respond to threats that +loom in an unseen future is still in beta testing. + ― Daniel Gilbert, professor of psychology at Harvard University, + in an op-ed piece in the Los Angeles Times; 6 July, 2006 +% +"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer." + ― Henry Kissinger +% +"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and +tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exaulted activity will +have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... neither its pipes nor +its theories will hold water." +% +"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!" +% +"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who +make them unsafe." + ― the late Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and ex- mayor of + Philadelphia +% +The voters have spoken, the bastards... +% +"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity +that would be clearly understood." + ― Alexander Haig +% +The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start +with a large fortune. +% +"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away +from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone +loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor." +% +"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the +other is to read Pope." + ― Oscar Wilde +% +"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." + ― C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia +% +"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits." + ― Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer + questions about the House Bank scandal. +% +This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, +regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... +% +"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." + ― Woody Allen +% +To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it? +% +"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name." + ― Gore Vidal +% +"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the opposite." + ― John Kenneth Galbraith +% +"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company." +% +"We don't have to protect the environment ― the Second Coming is at hand." + ― James Watt +% +"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his +hands for masturbation." + ― Lily Tomlin +% +"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later." +% +"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what CAN +you believe?!" + ― Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] +% +"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?" + ― Bertold Brecht +% +"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical." + ― Jon Carroll +% +"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." + ― Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war +% +"Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked. "Begin at the +beginning," the King said, gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: +then stop." + ― Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll +% +"Why be a man, when you can be a success?" + ― Bertold Brecht +% +"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?" + ― Lily Tomlin +% +"Why was I born with such contemporaries?" + ― Oscar Wilde +% +"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" + +"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. + ― Lewis Carrol +% +"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have goaded +me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in their endless +search for "one more feature". Their irritating unwillingness to learn how +to do things my way has usually led to my doing things their way; most of +the time, they have been right. + ― S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" +% +"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left the +White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware." + ― Woody Allen, "Sleeper" +% +"Yes, well, that's just the sort of blinkered, Philistine pig-ignorance I've +come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome +spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker's cuss for the +struggling artist, you excrement! You whining, hypocritical toadies with your +Tony Jacklin golf clubs, your colour TVs and your bleedin' Masonic handshakes! +You wouldn't let me join, would you, you blackballing bastards?! WELL I +WOULDN'T BECOME A FREEMASON NOW IF YOU GOT DOWN ON YOUR LOUSY STINKING KNEES +AND BEGGED ME!" +% +"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't." + ― Dagwood Bumstead +% +"You'll never be the man your mother was!" +% +$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at +which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. + ― Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" +% +'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability. + ― George Bernard Shaw +% +'Tis not too late to seek a newer world. + ― Alfred, Lord Tennyson +% +[Humanity] is the measure of all things. + ― Protagoras +% +... And malt does more than Milton can/To justify God's ways to man + ― A. E. Housman +% +An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders +a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The +bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers. +% +Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months +might as well have been written by someone else. + ― Eagleson's Law +% +Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. +% +... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human +intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we +can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now +seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their +world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of +ancient nonsense ― the debate about angels on pinheads ― makes sense once +you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen +would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number. + ― S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" +% +... Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of +the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility +of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the +responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals +or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out +claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to +provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with +the accepted body of scientific evidence. ... + ― Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, pg. 215 +% +... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, +and you would not have been informed. +% +... The book is worth attention for only two reasons: (1) it attacks +attempts to expose sham paranormal studies; and (2) it is very well and +plausibly written and so rather harder to dismiss or refute by simple +jeering. + ― Harry Eagar, reviewing "Beyond the Quantum" by Michael Talbot, + The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 200-201 +% +The first principle is that you must not fool yourself―and you are the +easiest person to fool. So you have to be very careful about that. After +you've not fooled yourself, it's easy not to fool other scientists. You +just have to be honest in a conventional way after that. + ― R. P. Feynman, "Cargo Cult Science" +% +... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. + ― J. B. White +% +... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, +this would be a better world. + ― Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" +% +... the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil out +of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. + ― Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19 +% +... they [the Indians] are not running but are coming on. + ― note sent from Lt. Col Custer to other officers + of the 7th Regiment at the Little Bighorn +% +...I would go so far as to suggest that, were it not for our ego and +concern to be different, the African apes would be included in our family, +the Hominidae. + ― Richard Leakey +% +... It is sad to find him belaboring the science community for its united +opposition to ignorant creationists who want teachers and textbooks to give +equal time to crank arguments that have advanced not a step beyond the +flyblown rhetoric of Bishop Wilberforce and William Jennings Bryan. + ― Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life", + The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 128-131 +% +...computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since +civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price +gain in 30 years. + ― Fred Brooks, Jr. +% +...difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects +perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity +attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the +introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; +yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. + ― Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia" +% +...it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the +existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great +systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative +hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability. + ― Sidney Hook +% +...skill such as yours is evidence of a misspent youth. + ― Herbert Spencer +% +...the increased productivity fostered by a friendly environment and quality +tools is essential to meet ever increasing demands for software. + ― M. D. McIlroy, E. N. Pinson and B. A. Tague +% +...there can be no public or private virtue unless the foundation of action is +the practice of truth. + ― George Jacob Holyoake +% +...this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six +million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch." + ― The Firesign Theater +% +...though his invention worked superbly ― his theory was a crock of sewage +from beginning to end. + ― Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War" +% +...when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer has +been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. + ― Fred Brooks, Jr. +% +/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. +% +10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. +% +36 percent of the American public believes that boiling radioactive milk +makes it safe to drink. + ― results of a survey by Jon Miller at Northern Illinois University +% +43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr +fortune: Segmentation fault ― core dumped +% +80 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot, including this one. +% +99% of all guys are within one standard deviation of your mom. +% +A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing. +% +A bore is a man you deprives you of solitude without providing you with +company. + ― Gian Vincenzo Gravina +% +A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk ― who will be passionately +wrong with a high sense of consistency. + ― J. K. Galbraith +% +A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is +having fun. +% +A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no +responsibility at the other. +% +A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman +out of a divorce. + ― Don Quinn +% +A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money. + ― Everett Dirksen +% +A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have +enlightened him with ours. +% +A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as +afterward. +% +A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the +poor to protect them from each other. +% +A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. +% +A child's education should begin at least 100 years before he is born. + ― Oliver Wendell Holmes +% +A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. + ― Herbert Prochnow +% +A clash of doctrine is not a disaster ― it is an opportunity. +% +A closed mouth gathers no foot. +% +A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. +% +A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, +but together can decide that nothing can be done. + ― Fred Allen +% +A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for +the first time. + ― Alfred E. Wiggam +% +A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never +learned to walk. + ― Franklin D. Roosevelt +% +A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. +% +A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. + ― Ben Franklin +% +A critic is a legless man who teaches running. + ― Channing Pollock +% +A day without sunshine is like night. +% +A decision occurs when one abandons the obvious for the possible. + ― P. Taylor +% +A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. +% +A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you +will look forward to the trip. + ― Caskie Stinnett +% +A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. + ― Robert Frost +% +A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano ... +% +A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. + ― Ogden Nash +% +A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox +1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to +help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, +and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied "I +see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back +of the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the +head with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. +% +A fanatic is a person who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. + ― Winston Churchill +% +A fool must now and then be right by chance. +% +A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into +superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. + ― G. B. Shaw +% +A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. + ― Samuel Johnson +% +A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. + ― D. Gries +% +A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he knows +something. + ― Wilson Mizner +% +A good memory does not equal pale ink. +% +A good workman is known by his tools. +% +A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely +rearranging their prejudices. + ― William James +% +A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold. +% +A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his weight +in other people's patience. + ― John Updike +% +A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity. +% +A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. +% +A king's castle is his home. +% +A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. +% +A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is +not worth knowing. +% +A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program +in than some that do. + ― Dennis M. Ritchie +% +A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work +by being declared to work. + ― Anatol Holt +% +A learning experience is one of those things that says, "You know that +thing you just did? Don't do that." + ― attributed to Douglas Adams +% +A little caution outflanks a large cavalry. + ― Bismarck +% +A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems +have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, +those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are +the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, +APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them +with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. + ― Fred Brooks, Jr. +% +A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I +believe everything positively stinks. + ― Lew Col +% +A man forgives only when he is in the wrong. +% +A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. + ― John Barrymore +% +A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. +% +A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" + +"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a +sense of obligation." + ― Stephen Crane +% +A man shall never be enriched by envy. + ― Thomas Draxe +% +A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds. +% +A man who turns green has eschewed protein. +% +A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. +% +A manager would rather live with a problem that he cannot solve than +accept a solution that he does not understand. + ― G. Woolsey +% +A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. +% +A mathematician named Hall +Has a hexahedronical ball, + And the cube of its weight + Times his pecker's, plus eight +Is his phone number ― give him a call. +% +A model is an artifice for helping you convince yourself that you +understand more about a system than you do. +% +A moose once bit my sister. +% +A morsel of genuine history is a thing so rare as to be always valuable. + ― Thomas Jefferson +% +A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. +% +A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. +% +A penny saved is ridiculous. +% +A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. +% +A person who knows only one side of a question knows little of that. +% +A person with one watch knows what time it is; a person with two watches is +never sure. Proverb +% +A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. + ― George Wald +% +A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. +% +A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. +% +A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that +your wife will give you for free. +% +A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party; there is no battle +unless there be two. + ― Seneca +% +A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices +that the system works. +% +A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and +the real reason. +% +A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen +objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer +scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added +concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three +dimensional objects ... +% +A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. + ― Ramsey Clark +% +A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following +a big schmuck dressed like a kid. + - Jack Benny +% +A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. + ― Samuel Johnson +% +A sine curve goes off into infinity or at least to the end of the blackboard. +% +A smile is the shortest distance between two people. + ― Victor Borge +% +A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. + ― O'Henry +% +A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an +exam. +% +A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by +its author. + ― S. C. Johnson +% +A thing is worth precisely what it can do for you, not what you choose to +pay for it. + ― John Ruskin +% +A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, +and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. +% +A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest +in students. + ― John Ciardi +% +A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature +replaces it with. + ― Tenessee Williams +% +A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. +% +A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. +% +A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without +getting nervous. +% +A well-known friend is a treasure. +% +A witty saying proves nothing. + ― Voltaire +% +A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. +% +A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. +% +Ada, n.: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in +computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an Ada +awareness." +% +Abandon hope, all ye who press "ENTER" here. +% +Ability is useless unless it is used. + ― Robert Half +% +About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. +% +About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. +% +About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. + ― Herbert Hoover +% +Above all things, reverence yourself. +% +Abstention makes the heart grow fonder. +% +Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own +opinion. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of +body is better. +% +According to my best recollection, I don't remember. + ― Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo +% +According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally +worthless. +% +According to my scuba instructor, if a shark attacks, you're supposed to +poke it in the eye with your finger. After that, I suppose you should hit +it in the face with a cream pie, or maybe hose it down with a seltzer bottle. + ― Jerry L. Embry +% +Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats. +% +Accuracy: The vice of being right. +% +Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not +well enough to lend to. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. +% +Activity makes more men's fortunes than cautiousness. + ― Marquis de Vauvenargues +% +Actors will happen in the best-regulated families. +% +Ada is the work of an architect, not a computer scientist. + ― Jean Ichbiah, inventor of Ada, weenie +% +Adapt. Enjoy. Survive. +% +Adde parvum parvo magnus acervus erit. +[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] + ― Ovid +% +Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery. +% +Adore, v.: To venerate expectantly. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Adult: One old enough to know better. +% +Adversity makes men, prosperity monsters. + ― French Proverb +% +Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper. + ― Thomas Jefferson +% +Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to +get money from it. + ― Stephen Leacock +% +After Goliath's defeat, giants ceased to command respect. + ― Freeman Dyson +% +After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. +% +After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done. +% +After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not +for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have +simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. + ― P. J. O'Rourke +% +After any machine or unit has been assembled, extra components will be +found on the bench. + ― "Industry at Work," Oilways, n2., 1972, pp. 16-17. Humble Oil + & Refining Company., Houston, TX +% +After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, +it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. +% +After winning the pennant one year, Casey Stengel commented, "I couldn'ta +done it without my players." +% +Air is water with holes in it. +% +Alas, I am dying beyond my means. + ― Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed +% +Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire +telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New +York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And +radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive +them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." +% +Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a +dial tone. +% +Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. +% +Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of +them keeps paying for it. + ― Peggy Joyce +% +All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. +% +All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance. +% +All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, +ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. + ― Kingfish +% +All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm +place to shift. +% +All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time. +% +All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy in its own way. + ― Tolstoy +% +All in all it's just another brick in the wall. +% +All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. + ― Jane Wagner +% +All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts +those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds +of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end +goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, +and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, +the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found +the last bug." + ― Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month +% +All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. +% +All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of +every organism to live beyond its income. + ― Samuel Butler +% +All science is either physics or stamp collecting. + ― E. Rutherford +% +All that glitters has a high refractive index. +% +All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. + ― Sean O'Casey +% +All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door. +% +All through human history, tyrannies have tried to enforce obedience by +prohibiting disrespect for the symbols of their power. The swastika is +only one example of many in recent history. + ― American Bar Association task force on flag burning +% +All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. +% +All wise men share one trait in common: the ability to listen. +% +Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. +% +Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have +their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot +separately plunder a third. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Although every American has a sense of humor―it is his birthright and +encoded somewhere in the Constitution―few Americans have never been able to +cope with wit or irony, and even the simplest jokes often cause unease, +especially today when every phrase must be examined for covert sexism, +racism, ageism. + ― Gore Vidal, "The Essential Mencken," The Nation, + August 26/September 2, 1991. +% +Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. +% +Always make the audience suffer as much as possible. + ― Alfred Hitchcock +% +Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a +left. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. + ― Charlie McCarthy +% +America had often been discovered before Columbus; it had just been hushed up. + ― Oscar Wilde +% +America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right man. +% +America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood? + ― Allen Ginsberg +% +American Non Sequitur Society: We don't make sense. We like pizza. +% +Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. +% +Among the chosen, you are the lucky one. +% +Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. +% +An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but +is always polite to traffic cops. +% +An Army travels on its stomach. +% +An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. + ― A. P. Herbert +% +An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible. + ― Alfred A. Knopf +% +An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. +% +An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. +% +An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. +% +An idle mind is worth two in the bush. +% +An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. + ― Albert Camus +% +An NT server can be run by an idiot, and usually is. + - Tom Holub + (Posted to comp.infosystems.www.servers.unix on 03 Sep 1997) +% +An object never serves the same function as its image―or its name. + ― Rene Magritte +% +An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. + ― Benjamin Franklin +% +Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no +government at all. +% +Anarchy: It's not the law, it's just a good idea. +% +And I alone am returned to wag the tail. +% +And now for something completely different. +% +And now that the legislators and the do-gooders have so futilely inflicted +so many systems upon society, may they end up where they should have begun: +may they reject all systems, and try liberty... + ― Frederic Bastiat +% +And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. +% +And the Lord God said unto Moses ― and correctly, I believe ... + ― Field Marshal Montgomery, opening a chapel service +% +And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, +turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed, +the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no +clothes! He is naked!" + ― "The Emperor's New Clothes" +% +And there's hamburger all over the highway in Mystic, Connecticut. +% +And they told us, what they wanted... +Was a sound that could kill some-one, from a distance. + ― Kate Bush +% +And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal +rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, +which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced +in design as one will find anywhere in the world. + ― Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" +% +And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that +cometh out of man, in their sight...Then he [the Lord!] said unto me, Lo, I +have given thee cow's dung for man's dung, and thou shalt prepare thy bread +therewith. [Ezek. 4:12-15 (KJV)] +% +Anger is a prelude to courage. + ― Eric Hoffer +% +Angular momentum makes the world go round. +% +Ankh if you love Isis. +% +Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently +slippery. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. +% +Another one bites the dust. +% +Anthony's Law of Force: Do not force it; get a larger hammer. +% +Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the + least accessible corner of the workshop. +Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike + your toes. +% +Antimatter doesn't matter as a matter of fact. + ― Piggins +% +Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur +ad necem. (In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on +windswept crags.) +% +Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. +% +Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. + ― Charles McCabe +% +Any excuse will serve a tyrant. + ― Aesop +% +Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it. +% +Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to +sell it. +% +Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete. +% +Any job worth quitting is worth sticking around long enough until they +fire you. + ― Tim Wirth +% +Any medium powerful enough to extend man's reach is powerful enough to topple +his world. To get the medium's magic to work for one's aims rather than +against them is to attain literacy. + ― Alan Kay, "Computer Software", Scientific American, September 1984 +% +Any shrine is better than self-worship. +% +Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a +larger object. +% +Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object. +% +Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of magic. + ― Arthur C. Clarke +% +Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses. +% +Any sufficiently advanced stupidity is indistinguishable from malice. + ― Paul Chvostek by way of Arthur C. Clarke (via John Ripley) +% +Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. + ― Andy Finkel, computer guy +% +Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. + ― Arthur C. Clarke +% +Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. + ― Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. +% +Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. +% +Anyone can hate. It costs to love. + ― John Williamson +% +Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. + ― Publilius Syrus +% +Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a +tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes +in the house. + ― Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" +% +Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, +recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one +particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. + ― Eleanor Roosevelt +% +Anyone who wants to be paid for writing software is a fascist asshole. + ― Richard M. Stallman, founder, Free Software Foundation +% +Anything anybody can say about America is true. + ― Emmett Grogan +% +Anything free is worth what you pay for it. +% +Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. +% +Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the +price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" +means the price went way up. +% +Anything worth doing is worth overdoing +% +Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. +% +Arbolist . . . Look up the word. I don't know, maybe I made it up. Anyway, +it's an arbo-tree-ist, somebody who knows about trees. + ― George W. Bush, quoted in USA Today; August 21, 2001 +% +Are we not men? +% +Are you a turtle? +% +Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. + ― Mickey Mouse +% +Armadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle +% +army, n.: A body of men assembled to rectify the mistakes of the diplomats. + ― Josephus Daniels +% +Army Axiom: An order that can be misunderstood will be misunderstood. +% +Arnold's Laws of Documentation: + (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. + (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. + (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. +% +Art is parasitic on life, just as criticism is parasitic on art. + ― Harry S Truman (one of his more ridiculous comments) +% +As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free variable." +% +As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." +% +As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. + ― Weisert +% +As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote. +% +As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? +% +As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. +When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. + ― Oscar Wilde +% +As regards the individual nature, woman is defective and misbegotten, for the +active power of the male seed tends to the production of a perfect likeness in +the masculine sex; while the production of a woman comes from defect in the +active power. + ― Thomas Aquinas, prominent historical misogynist +% +As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't +as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be +discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large +part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in +my own programs. + ― Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 +% +As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" ― probably because it's +so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. + ― Woody Allen +% +As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, +bearing hot new versions of their pieces ― faster, smaller, more complete, +or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new +version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new +component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and +efficient test cases will usually be available. + ― Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" +% +As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there +is always a future in Computer Maintenance. + ― National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" +% +As to Jesus of Nazareth...I think the system of Morals and his Religion, +as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; +but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, +with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his +divinity. + ― Benjamin Franklin +% +As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple +memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time +to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, +E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. + ― Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" +% +As you read the scroll it vanishes, +and you hear maniacal laughter in the distance. +% +Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, If God won't have you, the devil must. +% +Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the bathtub, +it tolls for thee. +% +Ask your boss to reconsider ― it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" +for an answer. +% +Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained control of the +country, it would probably fly around in circles. + ― Pat Paulsen +% +At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial +challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. + ― The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985 +% +At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los Angeles +fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head under the +exhaust of a bus until he revived. +% +At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on +the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is +quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather +than blinkers it. + ― G. L. Glegg, The Design of Design +% +At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly +contradictory attitudes ― an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre +or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny +of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep +nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the +world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective +enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the +field on track. + ― Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection," Parade, + February 1, 1987 +% +At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will +find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on +the computer. +% +Athens built the Acropolis. Corinth was a commercial city, interested in +purely materialistic things. Today we admire Athens, visit it, preserve the +old temples, yet we hardly ever set foot in Corinth. + ― Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry +% +Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. + ― Winston Churchill +% +Auribus teneo lupum. (I hold a wolf by the ears.) +% +Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. +% +Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. +% +Average managers are concerned with methods, opinions, precedents. +Good managers are concerned with solving problems. +% +Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. + ― National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" +% +Avoid letting temper block progress; keep cool. + ― William Feather +% +Back off, man. I'm a scientist. +% +Badges? We don't need no stinking badges. +% +Bagdikian's Observation: + Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American + newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" + on a ukelele. +% +Bad sneakers and a piña colada, my friend +Stompin' down the avenue by Radio City +With a transistor and a large sum of money to spend. + ― Steely Dan +% +Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: + A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides + by governors. +% +Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people +into two types, and those who don't. +% +Basic, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in + that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. +% +Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely get +your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face. + ― National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" +% +Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. +% +Be different: conform. +% +Be regular and orderly in your life so that you may be violent and original +in your work. + ― Gustave Flaubert +% +Be seeing you. +% +Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. +% +Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone. +% +Bees are not as busy as we think they are; they just cannot buzz any slower. + ― Abe Martin +% +Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. + ― Louis Brandeis +% +Behold the warranty: The bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away. +% +Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and +receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is +already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking +and richer male friend. +% +Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on gin. + ― Ralph Nader +% +Berkeley's First Law of Mistakes: The moment you have worked out an answer, +start checking it―it probably isn't right. +% +Corollary 1 to Berkeley's First Law of Mistakes: Always let an answer cool +off for awhile―it should not be used while hot. +% +Corollary 2 to Berkeley's First Law of Mistakes: Check the answer you have +worked out once more―before you tell it to anybody. +% +Berkeley's Second Law of Mistakes: If there is an opportunity to make a +mistake, sooner or later, the mistake will be made. +% +Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. +% +Between the choice of two evils, I always pick the one I've never tried before. + ― Mae West +% +Between the legs of the women walking by, the dadaists imagined a monkey +wrench and the surrealists a crystal cup. That's lost. + ― Ivan Chtcheglov +% +Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. + ― Donald Knuth +% +Beware of Geeks bearing grifts. +% +Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. + ― Leonard Brandwein +% +Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. +% +Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose. +% +Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. +% +Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. +% +Beware of low-flying butterflies. +% +Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but +nothing of interest is easy. +% +Beware the new TTY code! +% +Biggest security gap - an open mouth. +% +Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, +and you'll be Gary, Indiana. - Jessie in the movie "Greaser's Palace" +% +Biography is the fallacy of intention. + ― Peter Taylor +% +Biology ... it grows on you. +% +Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic +% +Black holes are where God is dividing by zero. +% +Blah. +% +Bleeding into a new computer is always a good thing; it's an ancient geek +voodoo magic to ensure its long life and reliability. + ― from Mike Taht's blog, http://the-edge.blogspot.com/ +% +Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. +% +Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels. +% +Blessed is the man who is too busy to worry in the daytime and too sleepy to +worry at night. + ― Leo Aikman +% +Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. +% +Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in +plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it +that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested +for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on +them. +% +Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. +% +Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: + Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so + vividly manifests their lack of progress. +% +Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. +% +Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them +seemed to come from Texas. + ― Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" +% +Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look. +% +Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Boren's Laws: + (1) When in charge, ponder. + (2) When in trouble, delegate. + (3) When in doubt, mumble. +% +Boss, n.: + According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages +the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, +in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an +ornamental stud." +% +Boston, n.: + Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for + finishing second in the Irish jig competition. +% +Boy, n.: + A noise with dirt on it. +% +Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a +committee. that will do them in. +% +Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a +committee. That will do them in. +% +Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult +problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How +would the Lone Ranger have handled this?" +% +Brain fried ― core dumped +% +Brain, n.: The apparatus with which we think that we think. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: + To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of +error in an opponent. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Bride, n.: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. +% +Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may +revitalize the corner saloon. +% +Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out. +% +Brook's Law: + Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. +% +Brooke's Law: + Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool + discovers something which either abolishes the system or + expands it beyond recognition. +% +Bubble Memory, n.: + A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's + intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". +% +Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. +% +Bug: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls. +% +Bumper Sticker: Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. +% +Bumper sticker on nuclear war: if you have seen one, you have seen them all. +% +Bunk Carter's Law: At any given moment there are more important people in +the world than important jobs to contain them. +% +Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies. + ― Balzac +% +Bureaucrat, n.: A politician who has tenure. +% +Bureaucrats cut read tape ― length-wise. +% +Burnt Sienna: That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. + ― Ken Weaver +% +Business will be either better or worse. + ― Calvin Coolidge +% +But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the +system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, +analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. + ― Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" +% +By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely +overwhelm me. + ― Ashleigh Brilliant +% +By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task +completely overwhelm you. +% +By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other +designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun. + ― P. J. Plauger, from his April Fool's column in the April 1988 + issue of "Computer Language" +% +By one count there are some 700 scientists with respectable academic +credentials (out of a total of 480,000 U.S. earth and life scientists) who +give credence to creation-science, the general theory that complex life +forms did not evolve but appeared "abruptly." + ― Newsweek, June 29, 1987, pg. 23 +% +C, n.: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like +assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. +It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't. + ― Ray Simard +% +C++ : Where friends have access to your private members. + ― Gavin Russell Baker +% +CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. + ― Randall Garrett +% +Cabbage, n.: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as +a man's head. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise +as a man's head. +% +Caeca invidia est. (Envy is blind.) + ― Livy +% +Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. +% +California is a fine place to live ― if you happen to be an orange. + ― Fred Allen +% +California is the ghost of Christmas future for the rest of America. + ― anonymous post to an Internet forum +% +California is the land of perpetual pubescence, where cultural lag is +mistaken for renaissance. + ― Ashley Montagu +% +Call on God, but row away from the rocks. + ― Indian proverb +% +Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce? +% +Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun. +% +Cannot fork ― try again. +% +Cannot fortune open database. +% +Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, +and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool Mom. +% +Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than +expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to +complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their +planning to reduce the time it takes. +% +Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: + The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a +dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then +putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. + ― Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world. +% +Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk +with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point +with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe +years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their +habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing +this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Change is what people fear most. + ― Dostoevski +% +Change your thoughts and you change your world. +% +Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office. +% +Character is the ligament holding together all other qualities. + ― Arnold Glasow +% +Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. +% +Chicken Little was right. +% +Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort +to teach them good manners. +% +Children aren't happy without something to ignore, +And that's what parents were created for. + ― Ogden Nash +% +Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, +if ever, do they forgive them. + ― Oscar Wilde +% +Children have more need of models than of critics. +% +Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for +word what you shouldn't have said. +% +Chism's Law of Completion: + The amount of time required to complete a government project is + precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. +% +Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: + When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. +% +Civilisation is the art of living in towns of such size that everyone does +not know everyone else. + ― Julian Jaynes +% +Civilization Law #1: Civilization advances by extending the number of +important operations one can do without thinking about them. +% +Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor. + ― Toynbee +% +Civilization is the progress toward a society of privacy. + ― Howard Roark, in Ayn Rand's _The Fountainhead_ +% +[Classical music] would be a lot more popular if they gave the pieces titles +like "Kill the Wabbit." + ― Mark Fetherolf. +% +Classified material requires proper storage. +% +Cleanliness is next to impossible. +% +Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum ― +"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Cogito ergo doleo. (I think, therefore I am depressed.) +% +Cogito ergo sum. +% +Cohen's Law: Everyone knows that the name of the game is what label you +succeed in imposing on the facts. +% +Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption +that the other fellow can spell. +% +College isn't the place to go for ideas. + ― Hellen Keller +% +Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. +% +Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million +typewriters, and Usenet is nothing like Shakespeare. + ― Blair Houghton +% +Commitment, n.: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and +eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. +% +Common sense in an uncommon degree is what the world calls wisdom. + ― Samuel Taylor Coleridge +% +Complacency is the enemy of progress. + ― Dave Stutman +% +Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. +% +Computer Science: the boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities +(The Devil's DP Dictionary) +% +Computer literacy is a contact with the activity of computing deep enough to +make the computational equivalent of reading and writing fluent and enjoyable. +As in all the arts, a romance with the material must be well under way. If +we value the lifelong learning of arts and letters as a springboard for +personal and societal growth, should any less effort be spent to make computing +a part of our lives? + ― Alan Kay, "Computer Software", Scientific American, September 1984 +% +Conceit causes more conversation than wit. + ― LaRouchefoucauld +% +Concept, n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than +$25,000. +% +Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one +mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. + ― Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" +% +Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is +good for dandruff. + ― Peter de Vries +% +Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. +% +Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas! + ― Ben Jonson +% +Confusticate and bebother these dwarves! +% +Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. +% +Conservative, n.: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. + ― Leo C. Rosten +% +Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then +give it back to them. +% +Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. + ― Brian W. Kernighan +% +Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his +breath is called the listener. +% +Conway's Law: Any piece of software reflects the organizational structure +that produced it. +% +Coronation, n.: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and +visible signs of his divine right to be blown sky-high with a dynamite bomb. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit +without individual responsibility. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Corripe Cervisiam! +% +Corrupt, adj.: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. +% +Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job +is to enforce the law and fight crime. + ― P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan +% +Courage is grace under pressure. +% +Coward, n.: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with +nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. + ― Wernher von Braun +% +Creativity cannot be diminished by the medium of expression. + ― Mitch Allen +% +Creationists make it sound as though a "theory" is something you dreamt up +after being drunk all night. + ― Isaac Asimov +% +Creditors have better memories than debtors. + ― Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanack (1758) +% +Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. + ― A. E. Newman +% +Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital +to form a corporation. + ― Howard Scott +% +Critic, n.: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries +to please him. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Cudgel thy brains no more about it, for your dull ass will not mend his +pace with beating. + ― Hamlet, Act 5, Scene 1 +% +Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why. +% +Cynic, n.: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not +as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking +out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Cynic, n.: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. +% +Daring ideas are like chessmen moved forward, +they may be beaten, but they may start a winning game. + ― J. W. von Goethe +% +Dawn, n.: The time when men of reason go to bed. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +De Borglie rules the wave, but Heisenberg waived the rules. + ― Piggins +% +Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also easy to +handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. +% +Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. +% +Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. +% +Death is Nature's way of saying, "slow down". +% +Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. + ― R. Geis +% +Death: to stop sinning suddenly. +% +Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance, and bragged +about forever. + ― button at the Boston Computer Museum +% +Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. +Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are―by +definition―not smart enough to debug it. + ― Brian Kernighan +% +Decisionmaker, n.: The person in your office who was unable to form a task +force before the music stopped. + +% +Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really +overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language +may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging +panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing +contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). + ― Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Association +% +Decisions terminate panic. +% +Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it +is buttered on. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder +aloud what the country could do under first-class management. + ― Senator Soaper +% +Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the +incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. + ― G. B. Shaw +% +Democracy is four wolves and a lamb, voting on what to have for lunch. +% +Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people +are right more than half of the time. + ― E. B. White +% +Denniston's Law: Virtue is its own punishment. +% +Deprive a mirror of its silver, and even the Czar won't see his face. +% +Der Unterschied zwischen Genie und Wahnsinn liegt nur im Erfolg. +[The only difference between genius and insanity is the success.] +% +Did I forget to mention, forget to mention Memphis? +Home of Elvis and the ancient Greeks. +Do I smell? I smell home cooking. +It's only the river, it's only the river. + ― Talking Heads (Cities) +% +Did you know gullible is not in the dictionary? +% +Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. +% +Digital computers are themselves more complex than most things people build: +They have very large numbers of states. This makes conceiving, describing, +and testing them hard. Software systems have orders-of-magnitude more states +than computers do. + ― Fred Brooks, Jr. +% +Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. +Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. +% +Diplomacy is the art of extricating oneself from a situation that tact +would have prevented in the first place. +% +Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. +% +Disc space ― the final frontier! +% +Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. +% +Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no +one else has thought. + ― Albert Szent-Gyorgi +% +Distress, n.: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Do not allow this language (Ada) in its present state to be used in +applications where reliability is critical, i.e., nuclear power stations, +cruise missiles, early warning systems, anti-ballistic missle defense +systems. The next rocket to go astray as a result of a programming language +error may not be an exploratory space rocket on a harmless trip to Venus: +It may be a nuclear warhead exploding over one of our cities. An unreliable +programming language generating unreliable programs constitutes a far +greater risk to our environment and to our society than unsafe cars, toxic +pesticides, or accidents at nuclear power stations. + ― C. A. R. Hoare +% +Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them. +% +Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. +% +Do not compromise yourself; you are all you have got. + ― Janis Joplin +% +Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. +% +Do not try to solve all life's problems at once ― learn to dread each +day as it comes. + ― Donald Kaul +% +Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging. +Don't have aesthetic convulsions when using them, either. +% +Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take +the time to take the dirt out of them? +% +Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and +when it is bad, it is better than nothing. + ― Dick Brandon +% +Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must +be good because the programmers hate it so much. +% +Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. +% +Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. +% +Don't comment bad code: rewrite it. +% +Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. +% +Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers. +% +Don't diddle code to make it faster, find a better algorithm. +% +Dobbin's Law: When in doubt, use a bigger hammer. +% +Don't get suckered in by the comments ― they can be terribly misleading. +Debug only code. + ― Dave Storer +% +Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. +% +Don't learn the tricks of the trade, learn the trade. +% +Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. + ― Bo Diddley +% +Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. +% +Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy +it today you can do it again tomorrow. +% +Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. + ― James J. Ling +% +Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free +with my breakfast cereal. + ― Zaphod Beeblebrox +% +Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already +tomorrow in Australia. + ― Charles Schultz +% +Don't worry about things that you have no control over, because you have no +control over them. Don't worry about things that you have control over, +because you have control over them. + ― Mickey Rivers +% +Don't worry about what other people are thinking about you. They're too +busy worrying about what you are thinking about them. +% +Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. + ― Voltaire +% +Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. + ― Paul Tillich, German theologian and historian +% +Doubts and jealousies often beget the facts they fear. + ― Thomas Jefferson +% +Down with categorical imperative! +% +Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. +% +Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize +yourself as part of the problem. +% +Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. +% +Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and +it holds the universe together ... + ― Carl Zwanzig +% +Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders +has been discontinued. +% +Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate +and captain of your soul. +% +Dum excusare credis, accusas. (When you believe you are excusing yourself, +you are accusing yourself.) + ― St. Jerome +% +Dunne's Law: The territory behind rhetoric is too often mined with +equivocation. +% +During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has +been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, +pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity; +in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution. + ― James Madison +% +Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to +have nothing whatever to do with it. + ― W. Somerset Maughm +% +E Pluribus Unix +% +Each honest calling, each walk of life, has its own elite, its own aristocracy +based on excellence of performance. + ― James Bryant Conant +% +Each team building another component has been using the most recent tested +version of the integrated system as a test bed for debugging its piece. Their +work will be set back by having that test bed change under them. Of course it +must. But the changes need to be quantized. Then each user has periods of +productive stability, interrupted by bursts of test-bed change. This seems +to be much less disruptive than a constant rippling and trembling. + ― Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" +% +Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. + ― John Kenneth Galbraith +% +Economics, n.: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. +Galbraith ... + ― Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" +% +Economy makes men independent. +% +Education has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish +what is worth reading. + ― G. M. Trevelyan +% +Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor. +% +Een schip op het strand is een baken in zee. +[A ship on the beach is a lighthouse to the sea.] + ― Dutch Proverb +% +Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak. + ― Bullwinkle Moose +% +Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. + ― Adlai Stevenson +% +Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain +of being a damned fool. + ― Bellamy Brooks +% +Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity. + ― Frank Leahy +% +Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Ehrman's Commentary: + 1. Things will get worse before they get better. + 2. Who said things would get better? +% +Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. + ― Ronald Reagan, famous movie star +% +Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because +God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software +engineer. + ― Fred Brooks, Jr. +% +Either do not attempt at all, or go through with it. + ― Ovid +% +Either that wallpaper goes, or I do. + ― Oscar Wilde's last words +% +Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. +% +Elevators smell different to midgets +% +Eloquence is vehement simplicity. + ― Cecil +% +Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall +make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. +% +Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. +Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. + ― Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary +% +Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May. +% +Entropy isn't what it used to be. +% +Envy always implies conscious inferiority wherever it resides. + ― Pliny +% +Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which +otherwise require harder thinking. + ― Jerome Lettvin +% +Equal bytes for women. +% +Eschew obfuscatory digressiveness. + ― Barry Dancis (1983) +% +Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. + ― Woody Allen +% +Ettore's observation: the other line moves faster. +% +Etymology, n.: Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that +were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed +from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" +("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." + ― Mike Kellen +% +Even a cabbage may look at a king. +% +Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. +% +Even if you can deceive people about a product through misleading statements, +sooner or later the product will speak for itself. + ― Hajime Karatsu +% +Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to +speak it to? + ― Clarence Darrow +% +Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion. +% +Even the future comes one day at a time. + ― W. Woodhouse +% +Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark. +% +Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United +States we really shouldn't complain ― it's still only 2 cents a day. +% +Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you +just how busy they are. +% +Ever wander around the web, look at discussions, totally agree with one of +the points of view, and then notice it was posted under one of your web +aliases 5 years ago? + ― Larry Weber +% +Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman +and stop her. +% +Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): +Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in +front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an +odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even +and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of +legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, +there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse +of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same +color"], that does not exist. +% +Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper .... everyone was +eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is +bend a disk. + ― an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, + commenting on the benefits of using computers in support of their + movement +% +Every absurdity has a champion to defend it. +% +Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. +% +Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired +signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not +fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not +spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the +genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way +of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is +humanity hanging on a cross of iron. + ― Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 +% +Every institution I've ever been associated with has tried to screw me. + ― Stephen Wolfram +% +Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. + ― Don Vonada +% +Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. + ― Miguel de Cervantes +% +Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one +instruction ― from which, by induction, one can deduce that every +program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. +% +Every program has two purposes ― one for which it was written and another +for which it wasn't. +% +Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. +% +Every purchase has its price. +% +Every silver lining has a cloud around it. +% +Every solution breeds new problems. +% +Every successful person has had failures, but repeated failure is no +guarantee of eventual success. +% +Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. + ― Beckett +% +Everything is better with no people. + ― Bob "Biff" Rendar +% +Dykstra's Law: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. +% +Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, +no one we know belongs. +% +Everything to excess! Moderation is for monks. + ― Lazarus Long +% +Everything you know is wrong. + ― The Firesign Theater +% +Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less +obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no +solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There +are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight +lines. + ― R. Buckminster Fuller +% +Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. +% +Evolution is a bankrupt speculative philosophy, not a scientific fact. +Only a spiritually bankrupt society could ever believe it. ... Only +atheists could accept this Satanic theory. + ― Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, "The Pre-Adamic Creation and Evolution" +% +Evolution does not require the nonexistence of God, it merely allows for +it. That alone is enough to evoke condemnation from those who fear the +nonexistence of God more than they fear God Himself. + ― Keith Doyle, in talk.origins +% +Evolution is both fact and theory. Creationism is neither. + ― Anonymous +% +Exactitude in small matters is the essence of discipline. +% +Example is the school of mankind, and they will learn at no other. +% +Excellent day to have a rotten day. +% +Excellent time to become a missing person. +% +Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from +acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. + ― W. Somerset Maugham +% +Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. +% +Excuse me while I change into something more formidable. +% +Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. +% +Expense Accounts, n.: Corporate food stamps. +% +Experience is a dear teacher, but fools will learn at no other. + ― Poor Richard's Almanac +% +Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. + ― Olivier +% +Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when +you make it again. + ― Franklin P. Jones +% +Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and +the instructions afterward. +% +Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. +% +Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. +% +Extreme good-naturedness borders on weakness of character. Avoid it. +% +Extremes of fortune are fatal to folks of small dimensions. + ― Arnold Glasow +% +FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when +the little hand is on the .... +% +Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. +% +Facts are simple and facts are straight / Facts are lazy and facts are late. +Facts all come with points of view / Facts don't do what I want them to. +Facts just twist the truth around / Facts are living turned inside out. +Facts are getting the best of them / Facts are nothing on the face of things. +Facts don't stain the furniture / Facts go out and slam the door. +Facts are written all over your face / Facts continue to change their shape. + ― Talking Heads +% +Failing to get them to do it your way might mean they're stupid, but it also +means you failed to get them to do it your way. + ― Cal Keegan +% +Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. +% +Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product. + ― Ferenc Mantfeld +% +Faire de la bonne cuisine demande un certain temps. Si on vous fait attendre, +c'est pour mieux vous servir, et vous plaire. +[Good cooking takes time. If you are made to wait, it is to serve you better, +and to please you.] + ― Menu of Restaurant Antoine, New Orleans + [Also, what we're going to be telling our customers] +% +Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. +% +Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint. + ― Dave Sim, author of "Cerberus the Aardvark" +% +Familiarity breeds attempt +% +Familiarity breeds children. +% +Familiarity breeds contempt. +% +Families, when a child is born/Want it to be intelligent. +I, through intelligence,/Having wrecked my whole life, +Only hope the baby will prove/Ignorant and stupid. +Then he will crown a tranquil life/By becoming a Cabinet Minister + ― Su Tung-p'o +% +Fanaticism consists of redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your +aim. + ― Santayana +% +Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; +united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels. + ― Goya +% +Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though +checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither +enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows +not victory or defeat. + ― Theodore Roosevelt +% +Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. + +% +Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it +every six months. + ― Oscar Wilde +% +Felson's Law: To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from +many is research. +% +Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. +% +Field theories, unite! +% +Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. +% +Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. +% +Finagle's Second Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it +only makes it worse. +% +Finding the occasional straw of truth awash in a great ocean of confusion and +bamboozle requires intelligence, vigilance, dedication and courage. But if we +don't practice these tough habits of thought, we cannot hope to solve the truly +serious problems that face us ― and we risk becoming a nation of suckers, up +for grabs by the next charlatan who comes along. + ― Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection," Parade, + February 1, 1987 +% +Fine, Java MIGHT be a good example of what a programming language should be +like. But Java applications are good examples of what applications +SHOULDN'T be like. + ― pixadel +% +Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. +% +Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. +% +Finster's Law: a closed mouth gathers no feet. +% +First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places +the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority +who imposed the deadline). +% +First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary. +% +First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely +repeat each other. +% +Flee at once: All is discovered. +% +Flon's Law: + There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is + the least bit difficult to write bad programs. +% +Flugg's Law: + When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the + world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. +% +Follow the river and you will eventually find the sea. +% +Football combines the two worst features of American life: violence and +committee meetings. + ― George Will +% +For a really sweet time, call C6H12O6. +% +For a while there I was worried that my tin foil beanie was blocking the +TopFive.com website. Luckily it turned out to be a router problem. + ― Attributed to "wubwub", quoted on www.ruminate.com (2004) +% +For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be +always old-fashioned. +% +For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. +% +For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. + ― R. Clopton +% +For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say +"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. + ― Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to + the U.S. +% +For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. +% +For the politicians this was never about how efficient they could make +things happen or how to solve a problem, it is about the *appearance* of +efficiency, or problem solving. My observation is that most politicians +think more like sales people than technicians, and are about as clueful. +Which means, unless the politicians change the way they think, discussion +about how to use *them* to go about really solving these problems would be +like asking a booth babe to write a kernel module. + ― Rich Costine +% +For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. + ― Abraham Lincoln +% +Forgetfulness, n.: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for +their destitution of conscience. +% +Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about +interferences ― if you have none, someone will make one for you. +% +Fourth Law of Thermodymanics: +If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damn near zero. + ― David Ellis +% +Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. +% +Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. +% +Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them. +% +Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the +roof and gets stuck. +% +Frobnicate, v.: + To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. +Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a +frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK +sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless +manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse +search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is +turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it +he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the +screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because +turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. +% +From the ice-age to the dole-age +there is but one concern +and I have just discovered: +some girls are bigger than others +some girls are bigger than others +some girls are bigger than +other girls' mothers + ― The Smiths +% +From too much love of living/From hope and fear set free, +We thank with brief thanksgiving/Whatever gods may be, +That no life lives forever/That dead men rise up never, +That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. + ― Swinburne +% +Froud's Law: A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the +fuse by blowing first. +% +Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will +fall over. +% +Furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank +even when you are the only person in line. + ― Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. + ― H. H. Williams +% +Gadji beri bimba clandridi/Lauli lonni cadori gadjam +A bim beri glassala glandride/E glassala tuffm I Zimbra. + ― Talking Heads (I Zimbra) +% +G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One +of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his +secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says +`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' +And that's your chance, my boy." +% +Garbage In ― Gospel Out. +% +Garter, n.: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her +stockings and desolating the country. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Genderplex, n.: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to +determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises). + ― Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Gene Police: YOU! Out of the pool! +% +Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. +% +Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why +you should. +% +Genius is the talent of a man who is dead. +% +Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. + ― Elbert Hubbard +% +Genius: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright". +% +Genuinely skillful use of obscenities is uniformly absent on the Internet. + ― Karl Kleinpaste +% +Geology shows that fossils are of different ages. Paleontology shows a +fossil sequence, the list of species represented changes through time. +Taxonomy shows biological relationships among species. Evolution is the +explanation that threads it all together. Creationism is the practice of +squeeezing one's eyes shut and wailing, "Does not!" + ― Dr.Pepper@f241.n103.z1.fidonet.org +% +George Orwell was an optimist. +% +Get forgiveness now ― tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. +% +Get hold of portable property. + ― Charles Dickens, "Great Expectations" +% +Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. +Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. + ― Calvin Keegan +% +Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs +pounding. + ― Abraham Kaplan +% +Give big space to the festive dog that shall sport in the roadway. +% +Give me a plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh Dome, and a place +to stand, and I will drain the world. +% +Give up. +% +Giving advice is not as risky as people say; few ever take it anyway. +% +Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase +until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on +getting some useful work done. +% +Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may +be in owning a piece thereof. + ― National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" +% +Go soothingly in the grease mud, as there lurks the skid demon. +% +Go west young, man. +% +God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days +and then pulled an all-nighter. +% +God does not play dice with the universe. +% +God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends. +% +God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... The +trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do not mean +to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman ... not enough +to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking and drinking +beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is not fit to live! +A family may live on good bread and water in the morning, water and bread +at midday, and good bread and water at night! + ― Rev. Henry Ward Beecher +% +God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. + ― Voltaire +% +God is a polytheist. +% +God is a verb, not a noun. +% +God is an atheist. +% +God is playing a comic to an audience that's afraid to laugh. +% +God is real, unless declared integer. +% +God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant +and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things. + ― Pablo Picasso +% +God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. + ― Alfred Jarry +% +God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. +% +God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. + ― Kronecker +% +God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. +% +God requireth not a uniformity of religion. + ― Roger Williams +% +God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, +and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and +Saturday. + ― William Bragg +% +Godwin's Law: As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a +comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one. +% +Going the speed of light is bad for your age. +% +Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school +make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. +% +Goldenstern's Rules: + 1. Always hire a rich attorney + 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. +% +Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. + ― La Rouchefoucauld +% +Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad +example. + ― La Rouchefoucauld +% +Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. +% +Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. + ― George Saunders' dying words +% +Got Mole problems? Call Avogadro, 6.02 E23. +% +Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers +to complain about unstructured programmers. + ― Ray Simard +% +Government expands to absorb all revenue and then some. +% +Government is an association of men who do violence to the rest of us. + ― Tolstoy +% +Government sucks. + ― Ben Olson +% +Grabel's Law: + 2 is not equal to 3 ― not even for large values of 2. +% +Graduate life ― it's not just a job, it's an indenture. +% +Grain grows best in shit. + ― Ursula K. LeGuin +% +Grandpa Charnock's Law: + You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. +% +Granholm's Definition of the Kludge: An ill-assorted collection of poorly +matching parts forming a distressing whole. + ― Jackson W. Granholm, "How to Design a Kludge," + Datamation, Feb. 1962 +% +Gray's Law of Programming: + `N+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same + time as `N' tasks. + +Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: + `N+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `N' trivial tasks. +% +Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small +people talk about wine. + ― Fran Lebowitz +% +Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. +% +Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. +% +Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above +average drivers. +% +Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir +a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. + ― Andrew Hacker, The End of the American Era (1970) +% +Haggis is a kind of stuffed black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered +by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced +heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal's inner organs are +mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal +stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ... +% +Half of one, six dozen of the other. +% +Half the things that people do not succeed in are through fear of making +the attempt. +% +Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and +commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately +explained by stupidity. +% +Hanson's Treatment of Time: + There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days + before Saturday. +% +Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. +% +Happiness comes and goes and is short on staying power. + ― Frank Tyger +% +Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. + ― Ogden Nash +% +Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. + ― Oscar Levant +% +Happiness, n.: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of +another. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery +of another. +% +Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. +% +Harris' Lament: All the good ones are taken. +% +Harris's Lament: + All the good ones are taken. +% +Harrisberger's Second Law of the Lab: No matter what result it anticipated, +there is always someone willing to fake it. +% +Harrisberger's Third Law of the Lab: Experiments should be reproducive. +They should all fail in the same way. +% +Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional +to the amount of equipment ruined. +% +Harrison's Postulate: + For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. +% +Hartley's First Law: + You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float + on his back, you've got something. +% +Hartley's Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. +% +Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, +temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as +it damn well pleases. +% +Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are +typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter +keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use +of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is +not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. +% +Hatred, n.: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you, +"There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time for play? +% +Have you locked your file cabinet? +% +Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a +crack in your sidewalk? +% +He had that rare weird electricity about him ― that extremely wild and +heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope +of ever behaving "normally." + ― Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" +% +He hadn't a single redeeming vice. + ― Oscar Wilde +% +He hated to mend, so young Ned +Called in a cute neighbor instead. + Her husband said, "Vi, + When you stitched up his torn fly, +Did you have to bite off the thread?" +% +He is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in most words. +% +He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. +% +He launched a massive attack on everything this country held inviolate, on +most of what it held self-evident. He showed how our politics was dominated +by time-servers and demagogues, our religion by bigots, our culture by +puritans. He showed how the average citizen, both in himself and in the +way he let himself be pulled around by the nose, was a boob. + ― Louis Kronenberger, "H.L. Mencken," in Malcolm Cowley, ed., + After the Genteel Tradition, 1964. + +% +He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. +% +He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. + ― John Mason Brown, drama critic +% +He that labors and thrives spins gold. + ― George Herbert +% +He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. +% +He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. +% +He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. +% +He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. +% +He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor ― Hell, they +HAD to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's +qualified for! + ― Michael Cain +% +He who Laughs, Lasts. +% +He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry +attacks democracy itself. + ― William S. Paley, chairman of CBS +% +He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. +% +He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. +% +He who hates vices hates mankind. +% +He who hesitates is sometimes saved. +% +He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when going on +cruise. +% +He who laughs, lasts. +% +He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. +% +He who shits on the road will meet flies on his return. + ― South African Saying +% +He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands. +% +He who spends a storm beneath a tree takes life with a grain of TNT. +% +He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. + ― M. C. Escher +% +He'll sit here and he'll say, "Do this! Do that!" And nothing will happen. + ― Harry S. Truman, on presidential power +% +He's dead, Jim. +% +He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be +there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. +% +Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. +% +Heaven, n.: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of +their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you +expound your own. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. +% +Hedonist for hire: no job too easy. +% +Heisenberg may have slept here. +% +Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. + ― Milton Friedman +% +Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. +Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the +organization. +% +Hello. My name is Batman. You killed my father. Prepare to die. +% +Help a swallow land at Capistrano. +% +Help stamp out, remove and abolish redundancy. +% +Her life was saved by rock and roll. + ― Lou Reed +% +Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it. +% +Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow +up. + ― Peter Drucker +% +Here at Controls, we have one chief for every Indian. +% +Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, +then they'd be algorithms. +% +Hey what? Where? When? (Are you confused as I am?) +% +Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person +reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, +nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. +% +Hidden talent counts for nothing. + ― Nero +% +Hindsight is an exact science. +% +Hippogriff, n.: + An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. +The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. +The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which +is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full +of surprises. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Hire the morally handicapped. +% +His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. +% +History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other. +% +History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion ― +i.e., none to speak of. + ― Lazarus Long +% +History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. +% +History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-ridden people +maintaining a free civil government. This marks the lowest grade of +ignorance, of which their political as well as religious leaders will +always avail themselves for their own purpose. + ― Thomas Jefferson, to Baron von Humboldt, 1813 +% +History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, +periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them +asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at +intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the +imago state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step +gained. + ― Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species" +% +Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person ― they +will find an easier way to do it. +% +Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a +small problem struggling to get out. +% +Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take +Hofstadter's Law into account. +% +Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at +your side. + ― Han Solo +% +Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. + ― Rex Reed +% +Holy Smoke, Batman, it's the Joker! +% +Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. + ― F. M. Hubbard +% +Honi soit la vache qui rit. +% +Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative +bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable +gentleman is a scurvy cur." + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special +case. +% +Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. + ― W. C. Fields +% +How about a little fire, scarecrow? +% +How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? +% +How can you be two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? + ― Firesign Theater +% +How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? +% +How does a project get to be a year late? ... One day at a time. + ― Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month +% +Q. How long does it take a DEC field service engineer to change a lightbulb? +A. It depends on how many bad ones he brought with him. +% +Q. How many Bavarian Illuminati does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A. Three: one to screw it in, and one to confuse the issue. +% +Q. How many NASA managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A. "That's a known problem... don't worry about it." +% +Q. How many QA engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A. Three: one to screw it in and two to say "I told you so" when it doesn't + work. +% +Q. How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? +A. Two. One to change the bulb and one to mix the drinks. +% +Q. How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? +A. None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way. +% +Q. How many hardware guys does it take to change a light bulb? +A. "Well the diagnostics say it's fine buddy, so it's a software problem." +% +Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? +A. None. It's a hardware problem. +% +Q. How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb? +A. You don't know, man. You don't KNOW. Cause you weren't THERE. + ― http://bash.org/?255991 +% +Q. How was Thomas J. Watson buried? +A. 9 edge down. +% +Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work. +% +However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional +manner ... sulking and nausea. + ― Tom K. Ryan +% +Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. +% +Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. +Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating +table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral catheter into a +vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and walked +upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory x-ray film. +In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. +% +Humanity has the stars in its future, and that future is too important to be +lost under the burden of juvenile folly and ignorant superstition. + ― Isaac Asimov +% +Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly +proportional to ..... to ........ uh .............. +% +I always distrust people who know so much about what God wants them to do to +their fellows. + ― Susan B. Anthony +% +I HATE arbitrary limits, especially when they're small. + ― Stephen Savitzky +% +I have found Christian dogma unintelligible. Early in life, I absented myself +from Christian assemblies. + ― Benjamin Franklin +% +I have had interactions with developers who are convinced that everything in +.Net was created solely by MS for open source usage. But that could be another +result of vaccination preservatives. + ― Larry Weber +% +I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being +told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick +and tired. I'm certainly not! And I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. + ― Monty Python +% +I would defend the liberty of concenting adult creationists to practice +whatever intellectual perversions they like in the privacy of their own +homes; but it is also necessary to protect the young and innocent. + ― Arthur C. Clarke +% +I would not dare to so dishonor my Creator God by attaching His name to +that book [the Bible]. + ― Thomas Paine, The Age of Reason, Part 1, Section 5 +% +I'm also not very analytical. You know, I don't spend a lot of time thinking +about myself, about why I do things. + ― George W. Bush, aboard Air Force One; June 4, 2003 +% +I'm an evolutionist because I judge the evidence for the unity of life by +common descent over billions of years to be overwhelming, not so that I can +cheat on my wife or kick the cat with impunity. I live in no hope of heaven +or fear of hell, but like most of my fellow Americans of all religious +persuasions, I try to live a decent life. Folks like Tom DeLay just can't +get it through their heads that a person can choose to live ethically +because civilized life requires doing unto others as you would have them do +unto you. + ― Chet Raymo, science columnist for The Boston Globe, in a + 5 Sep, 1999, article on the anti-evolution decision by Kansas + School Board +% +I am a member of a party of one, and I live in an age of fear. Nothing +lately has unsettled my party and raised my fears so much as your +editorial, on Thanksgiving Day, suggesting that employees should be +required to state their beliefs in order to hold their jobs. The idea is +inconsistent with our constitutional theory and has been stubbornly opposed +by watchful men since the early days of the Republic. + ― E.B. White, in a letter to the New York Herald Tribune + (November 29, 1947) +% +I am always with myself, and it is I who am my tormenter. + ― Leo Tolstoy +% +I am astounded ... at the wonderful power you have developed ― and terrified +at the thought that so much hideous and bad music may be put on record +forever. + ― Arthur Sullivan, on seeing a demonstration of Edison's new + talking machine in 1888 +% +I am not now, and never have been, a girl friend of Henry Kissinger. + ― Gloria Steinem +% +I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the +great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. + ― Winston Churchill +% +I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. +% +I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of +pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you +that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic +globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I can't +help it. I was born sneering. + ― Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan +% +I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. + ― G. K. Chesterton +% +I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. + ― Will Rogers +% +I'll bet the human brain is a kludge. + ― Marvin Minsky +% +I can call spirits from the vasty deep. +Why so can I, or so can any man; but will they come when you do call for them? + ― Shakespeare, King Henry IV, Part I +% +I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. + ― Joe Walsh +% +I cannot affirm God if I fail to affirm man. Therefore, I affirm both. +Without a belief in human unity I am hungry and incomplete. Human unity +is the fulfillment of diversity. It is the harmony of opposites. It is +a many-stranded texture, with color and depth. + ― Norman Cousins +% +I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. + ― Lillian Hellman +% +I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than +you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, +you will understand why I dismiss yours. + ― Steven Roberts +% +I could prove God statistically. + ― George Gallup +% +I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat veggies. +% +I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman +Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, +nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own church. + ― Thomas Paine +% +I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign itself +to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon... + ― Lyndon B. Johnson +% +I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. + ― Isaac Asimov +% +I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us +with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. + ― Galileo Galilei +% +I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature. + ― Thomas Jefferson +% +I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should. + ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe +% +I do not mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language +I don't understand. + ― Sir Edware Appleton +% +I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians +don't believe in astrology. + ― James R. F. Quirk +% +I don't care if I'm a lemming. I'm not going. +% +I don't care if it works on your machine! We are not shipping your machine! + ― Vidiu Platon +% +I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. + ― Ashleigh Brilliant +% +I don't like spreading rumors, but what else can you do with them? +% +I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business +on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment +he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual +becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. + ― George Bernard Shaw +% +I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be +questioned about their motives. + ― Leray Scifres +% +I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. + ― Ashleigh Brilliant +% +I fart in your general direction, tiny-brained wiper of other people's bottoms. +% +I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. + ― Mae West +% +I get the feeling that as soon as something appears in the paper, it ceases to +be true. + ― T-Bone Burnett +% +I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. +I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read +the news themselves. + ― George W. Bush, Washington, D.C.; September 21, 2003 +% +I go to seek a great perhaps. + ― Francois Rabelais +% +I had a great idea this morning but I did not like it. + ― Anon +% +I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it. + ― Samuel Goldwyn +% +I hate quotations. + ― Ralph Waldo Emerson +% +I have a simple philosophy: + Fill what's empty. + Empty what's full. + Scratch where it itches. + ― A. R. Longworth +% +I have discovered the heart of bushido: to die! + ― Yamamoto Tsunetomo +% +I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. + ― Clarence Darrow +% +I haven't lost my mind ― it's backed up on tape somewhere. +% +I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. +% +I judge a religion as being good or bad based on whether its adherents +become better people as a result of practicing it. + ― Joe Mullally, computer salesman +% +I just thought of something funny...your mother. + ― Cheech Marin +% +I like a man who grins when he fights. + ― Winston Churchill +% +I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. + ― Art Leo +% +I like the future, I'm in it. +% +I maintain there is much more wonder in science than in pseudoscience. And +in addition, to whatever measure this term has any meaning, science has the +additional virtue, and it is not an inconsiderable one, of being true. + ― Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, + Vol. 12, Fall 87 +% +I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts. +% +I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do +was to go away. +% +I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. +% +I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. + ― William F. Buckley +% +I program, therefore I am. +% +I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of tennis +socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If they think +you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go crude. I'm a +very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible. These days, +though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire to +crudeness. + ― Johnny Mnemonic, by William Gibson +% +I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of +oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate +commerce. + ― J. Edgar Hoover +% +I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of +oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate +commerce. + ― J. Edgar Hoover +% +I sat through it. Why shouldn't you? + ― David Letterman, it a spot promoting one of his shows +% +I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. +% +I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips, +Straining upon the start. The game's afoot. + ― King Henry V, "Henry V", Act III, Scene 1 +% +I simply try to aid in letting the light of historical truth into that decaying +mass of outworn thought which attaches the modern world to medieval conceptions +of Christianity, and which still lingers among us―a most serious barrier to +religion and morals, and a menace to the whole normal evolution of society. + ― Andrew D. White, author, first president of Cornell University, 1896 +% +I support everyone's right to be an idiot. I may need it someday. +% +I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass. + ― Senator Barry Goldwater, when asked what he thought of + Jerry Falwell's suggestion that all good Christians should be + against Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court +% +I think Microsoft named .NET so it wouldn't show up in a Unix directory listing. + ― Oktal +% +I think people are reacting to what they perceive to be your simplistic and +fetishistic understanding of the economy, which is becoming more and more +pronouncedly so in its outward manifestations as you react to your +misunderstanding of people's reactions to your reaction to what you perceived +as Sam's simplistic and fetishistic understanding of the economy. + ― Gordan Todorovac +% +I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. + ― Oscar Wilde +% +I think time is crucial to anything. For example, if you lock an infinite +number of monkeys in a room with those typewriters, but you limit the +amount of time they have to write, the best you'll get out of them is the +pilot to The Dukes of Hazzard. + ―Doug Sykes +% +I think trash is the most important manifestation of culture we have in my +lifetime. + ― Johnny Legend +% +I think we're all Bozos on this bus. +% +I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed. + ― Marvin +% +I tried being reasonable once. I didn't like it. +% +I use not only all the brains I have but all that I can borrow. + ― Woodrow Wilson +% +I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. + ― Graffiti +% +I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. +% +I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. +% +I was brought up in the other service; but I knew from the first that the +Devil was my natural master and captain and friend. I saw that he was in +the right, and that the world cringed to his conqueror only from fear. + ― Shaw, "The Devil's Disciple" +% +I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all +these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these +kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and +I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been +avoiding the beach. + ― Lucinda Childs (Philip Glass: Einstein On The Beach) +% +I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained +it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass +stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. +I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be +absent ― not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had +developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. +Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's +temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I +chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to +the point where it would not run at all. + ― George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black + Holes and the Fate of Stars" +% +I will never use biometrics. I'm afraid they'll make me change my password. + ― Drew Sudell +% +Few companies really work like the Borg. Most work a lot more like the Holy +Roman Empire. News often takes weeks to travel from castle to castle by +minstrel. + ― Drew Sudell +% +[The Ramones'] "I Wanna Be Sedated" should be played loud, poorly, and in +some dingy club where you'd get grounded if your folks found out you were +there, not quietly while strolling down the freezer aisle. + ― Drew Sudell +% +I will contend that conceptual integrity is *the* most important consideration +in system design. + ― Frederick Brooks, Jr., _The Mythical Man Month_ +% +I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's +a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work. + ― Gallagher +% +I wish they all could be California girls. +% +I wish you humans would leave me alone. +% +I would defend the liberty of consenting adult creationists to practice +whatever intellectual perversions they like in the privacy of their own +homes; but it is also necessary to protect the young and innocent. + ― Arthur C. Clarke +% +I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have +gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the +missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme. + ― Oliver North +% +I wouldn't mind dying ― it's that business of having to stay dead that +scares the shit out of me. + ― R. Geis +% +I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. +% +I'll tell you what kind of guy I was. If you ordered a boxcar full of +sons-of-bitches and opened the door and only found me inside, you could +consider the order filled. + ― Robert Mitchum +% +I'm a misanthrope. What's your fucking problem? +% +I'm growing older, but not up. + ― Jimmy Buffett +% +I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? + ― Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate +% +I'm mad, and that's a fact./I found out animals don't help. +Animals think they're pretty smart./Shit on the ground, see in the dark. + ― Talking Heads (Fear of Music) +% +I'm not breaking the rules. I'm just testing their elasticity. +% +I'm not expendable, I'm not stupid, and I'm not going. +% +I've got a bad feeling about this. +% +I've had fun before. This isn't it. +% +I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more +of them who were paralyzed in the head. + ― George Wallace +% +Idiot Box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the +stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. + ― Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human +affairs has always been dominant and controlling. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. + ― Roy Santoro +% +If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. + ― Yiddish saying +% +If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? +% +If I had a hammer, I'd use it on Peter, Paul and Mary. + ― Howard Rosenberg +% +If I had any humility I would be perfect. + ― Ted Turner +% +If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves +upon execution. + ― Robert Sewell +% +If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They +would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it. + ― Thomas Carlyle +% +If Murphy's Law were true, every time you tried to take a breath, all the +air would be on the other side of the room. +% +If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. +% +If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be N-1 +passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. + ― T. Cheatham +% +If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake +him up. +% +If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, +and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can +convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. + ― Sir Peter Medawar, The Art of the Soluble +% +If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular +error. + ― John Kenneth Galbraith +% +If all the philosophers in the world were laid end to end, they wouldn't +reach a conclusion. +% +If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end +across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. +% +If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. + ― Paul Beatty +% +If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a +conclusion. + ― William Baumol +% +If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented +it isn't worth the effort. +% +If anything can go wrong, it will. +% +If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool. +% +If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. +% +If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. +% +If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is +identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a +collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then +I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as +plentiful as blackberries... + ― Leslie Stephen (1832-1904), literary essayist, author +% +If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four +tellers? +% +If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? +% +If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. +% +If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? +% +If I was a religious person, I would consider creationism nothing less than +blasphemy. Do its adherents imagine that God is a cosmic hoaxer who has +created that whole vast fossil record for the sole purpose of misleading +mankind? + ― Arthur C. Clarke, June 5, 1998, in the essay "Presidents, Experts, + and Asteroids" +% +If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? +% +If imprinted foil seal under cap is broken or missing when purchased, do not +use. +% +If it ain't broke, don't fix it. + ― Bert Lantz +% +If it doesn't come from you, shouldn't it come from Gerber? + ― Bristol Meyers baby formula ad +% +If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly. +% +If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. +% +If it weren't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples. +% +If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. +% +If it's working, the diagnostics say it's fine. +If it's not working, the diagnostics say it's fine. + ― A proposed addition to rules for realtime programming +% +If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. +% +If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by +the page number. +% +If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. +% +If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges. +% +If one year is seven dog years, then one day is a dog week. +% +If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit +in my name at a Swiss Bank. + ― Woody Allen +% +If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit +in my name at a Swiss bank. + ― Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" +% +If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. +% +If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without +having to accomplish anything. +% +If people were required to know the law rather than obey it, the government +would be overthrown the very next day. +% +If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of +arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the +physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker +entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. + ― Vannevar Bush +% +If someone gives you a lemon, make lemonade. + ― D. Woodhouse +% +If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. + ― Pope John Paul I +% +If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would +suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only +fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, +only two went back to women. + ― Mort Sahl +% +If something's not worth doing, it's not worth doing well. +% +If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would +presumably flunk it. + ― Stanley Garn +% +If the bulk of American SF can be said to be written by robots, about +robots, for robots, then the bulk of English fantasy seems to be written +by rabbits, about rabbits and for rabbits. + ― Michael Moorcock +% +If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. + ― Norm Schryer +% +If the experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. +% +If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are +50-50 it will. +% +If the presence of electricity can be made visible in any part of a +circuit, I see no reason why intelligence may not be transmitted +instantaneously by electricity. + ― Samuel F. B. Morse +% +If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If +the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the +bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will +exceed all expectations. + ― Reverend Chichester +% +If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. +% +If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that +will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. +% +If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? + ― Art Hoppe +% +If this country is worth saving, it's worth saving at a profit. + ― H. L. Hunt +% +If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. +% +If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? +% +If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is +doing the thinking. + ― Lyndon Baines Johnson +% +If voting could really change the system, it would be against the law. +% +If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are +headed. +% +If we do not change our direction, we might end up were we are headed. +% +If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution +inevitiable. + ― John F. Kennedy +% +If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. Quit work and play +for awhile. +% +If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem. +% +If you are willing to die, you can do anything. +% +If you build something a fool can use, only a fool will want it. +% +If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. +% +If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. +% +If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. + ― Ashleigh Brilliant +% +If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic. +% +If you cannot convince them, confuse them. + ― Harry S Truman +% +If you cannot take a bird of paradise, better take a wet hen. + ― Nikita Khrushchev +% +If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. +% +If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. +% +If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it +will always do it. + ― Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin +% +If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. +% +If you have to push so hard that you break your penis, you are doing +something wrong. + Frank McLaughlin +% +If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. +% +If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. + ― Graham Summer +% +If you make a mistake, you right it immediately to the best of your ability. +% +If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you +really make them think they'll hate you. +% +If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody +in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. +% +If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. + ― Maslow +% +If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure +can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly +develop. +% +If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, +you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get +ice, but no cup. +% +If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But +this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is +somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it. +% +If you see someone without a smile, give them yours. + ― Anonymous +% +If you substitute other kinds of intellectual property into the GNU +manifesto, it quickly becomes absurd. + ― Cal Keegan +% +If you suspect a man, don't employ him. +% +If you think before you speak, the other guy gets his joke in first. +% +If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. + ― Derek Bok, president of Harvard +% +If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car +payments. + ― Earl Wilson +% +If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest +shopping center in the world? + ― Richard M. Nixon +% +If you want to eat hippopotamus, you've got to pay the freight. + ― some IBM guy +% +If you work hard and do your homework, you can grow up and get a job doing +homework. + ― former U.S. Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer +% +If you'll excuse me a minute, I'm going to have a cup of coffee. + ― broadcast from Apollo 11's LEM, "Eagle", to Johnson Space Center, + Houston, July 20, 1969, 7:27 P.M. +% +If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for +tomorrow morning, sleep late. + ― Henny Youngman +% +If you're happy, you're successful. +% +If you're not careful, you're going to catch something. +% +If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. +% +If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. + ― Benjamin Disraeli +% +If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it +off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the +universe? +% +If you've seen one Grand Canyon, you've seen them all. + ― a member of the Monkey Wrench Gang +% +If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all. + ― Spiro Agnew +% +If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. + ― Ronald Reagan +% +If your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. +% +Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. + ― Robert Burton +% +Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out. +% +Ignore previous fortune. +% +I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later. + ― Miles Davis +% +Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot ― it's more like the +land He's trying to ignore. +% +Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. + ― Jules de Gaultier +% +Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism. +% +Imitation is the sincerest form of television. + ― Fred Allen +% +Immortality ― a fate worse than death. + ― Edgar A. Shoaff +% +Impartial, adj.: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from +espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting +opinions. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the +mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the +Boss is reading it. +% +In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one +of the risks he takes. + ― Adlai Stevenson +% +In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our +programming languages. +% +In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only, +we can't control when the five year period will begin. +% +In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetence. + ― The Peter Principle +% +In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) +are to be treated as variables. +% +In arguing that current theories of brain function cast suspicion on ESP, +psychokinesis, reincarnation, and so on, I am frequently challenged with +the most popular of all neuro-mythologies ― the notion that we ordinarily +use only 10 percent of our brains... + +This "cerebral spare tire" concept continues to nourish the clientele of +"pop psychologists" and their many recycling self-improvement schemes. As +a metaphor for the fact that few of us fully exploit our talents, who could +deny it? As a refuge for occultists seeking a neural basis of the miraculous, +it leaves much to be desired. + ― Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness: Implications for + Psi Phenomena", The Skeptical Enquirer, Vol. XII, No. 2, pg. 171 +% +In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. He +is always in alliance with the despot. + ― Thomas Jefferson, in a letter to Horatio G. Spafford, 1814 +% +In general, it is best to assume that the network is filled with malevolent +entities that will send in packets designed to have the worst possible effect. + ― the draft "Requirements for Internet Hosts" RFC +% +In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy. +% +In order to succeed in any enterprise, one must be persistent and patient. +Even if one has to run some risks, one must be brave and strong enough to +meet and overcome vexing challenges to maintain a successful business in +the long run. I cannot help saying that Americans lack this necessary +challenging spirit today. + ― Hajime Karatsu +% +In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, +intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the +cares of office. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +In software, we rarely have meaningful requirements. Even if we do, the +only measure of success that matters is whether our solution solves the +customer's shifting idea of what their problem is. + ― Jeff Atwood +% +In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to +drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at +discotheques. + ― Art Linkletter +% +In the beginning I was made. I didn't ask to me made. No one consulted me +or considered my feelings in this matter. But if it brought some passing +fancy to some lowly humans as they haphazardly pranced their way through +life's mournful jungle then so be it. + ― Marvin the Paranoid Android +% +In the face of entropy and nothingness, you kind of have to pretend it's not +there if you want to keep writing good code. + ― Karl +% +In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds. + ― L. Pasteur +% +In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in +the proper order then why can't he? +% +[In the future], people like me will be underground and hunted. + ― Chuck Murcko, 1995 (at an employer-sponsored brainstorming session) +% +In Sedona, "Namaste" means "What can I sell you?" + ― Chuck Murcko +% +In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. +You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them. + ― Robert Lucky +% +In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. + ― Egyptian Book of the Dead +% +In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. + ― Alan Perlis +% +In the market, there can be no such thing as exploitation. + ― Murray Rothbard +% +In the pitiful, multipage, connection-boxed form to which the flowchart has +today been elaborated, it has proved to be useless as a design tool ― +programmers draw flowcharts after, not before, writing the programs they +describe. + ― Fred Brooks, Jr. +% +In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true +or becomes true. + ― John Lilly +% +In the realm of scientific observation, luck is granted only to those who are +prepared. + ― Louis Pasteur +% +In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they're different. + ― Albert Einstein +% +In this world, Truth can wait; she's used to it. +% +Incest, n.: Sibling revelry. +% +Information Center, n.: A room staffed by professional computer people whose +job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. +% +Ingrate, n.: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of +indigestion. +% +Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. + ― Martin Luther King, Jr. +% +Innovation is hard to schedule. + ― Dan Fylstra +% +Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids. + ― Erma Bombeck +% +Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. +% +Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the +salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. +% +Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. +% +Integrity has no need for rules. +% +Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to +understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to +the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Intense feeling too often obscures the truth. + ― Harry S Truman +% +Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets. +% +Is it not strange that the descendants of those Pilgrim Fathers who crossed +the Atlantic to preserve their own freedom have always proved the most +intolerant of the spiritual liberty of others? + ― Robert E. Lee, in a letter to President Franklin Pierce +% +Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to +be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble? +% +Is life worth living? It depends on the liver. + ― Herbert Beerbohm Tree +% +Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of +the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as +are out wish to get in? + ― Ralph Emerson +% +Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune +tellers take economists seriously? +% +Issawi's Laws of Progress: +1. The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. +2. The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. +% +It could be worse, you could be in Cleveland. +% +It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. +It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. + ― Thomas Jefferson +% +It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is +thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have +drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +It has been said that the great scientific disciplines are examples of +giants standing on the shoulders of other giants. It has also been said +that the software industry is an example of midgets standing on the toes of +other midgets. + ― Alan Cooper +% +It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. +% +It is Fortune, not wisdom that rules man's life. +% +It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. +% +It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. + ― Willie Sutton +% +It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. +What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing +thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? + ― Alan Perlis +% +It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a +pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the +sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. + ― Voltaire +% +It is bad luck to be superstitious. + ― Andrew W. Mathis +% +It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. +% +It is clear that the individual who persecutes a man, his brother, because +he is not of the same opinion, is a monster. + ― Voltaire +% +It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly +and try another. But above all, try something. + ― Franklin D. Roosevelt +% +It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both +incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by +twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. + ― R. Serling +% +It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both +incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by +twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. + ― Rod Serling +% +It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice +versa. +% +It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. +% +It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. +% +It is easier to run down a hill than up one. +% +It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct +one. +% +It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because +if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. + ― Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" +% +It is happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust. + ― S. Johnson +% +It is important to note that probably no large operating system using current +design technology can withstand a determined and well-coordinated attack, +and that most such documented penetrations have been remarkably easy. + ― B. Hebbard, "A Penetration Analysis of the Michigan Terminal + System", Operating Systems Review, Vol. 14, No. 1, June 1980, + pp. 7-20 +% +It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. + ― "Industry at Work," Oilways, n2., 1972, pp. 16-17. Humble Oil + & Refining Company., Houston, TX +% +It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not +desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. + ― Woody Allen +% +It is inconceivable that a judicious observer from another solar system +would see in our species ― which has tended to be cruel, destructive, +wasteful, and irrational ― the crown and apex of cosmic evolution. +Viewing us as the culmination of *anything* is grotesque; viewing us as a +transitional species makes more sense ― and gives us more hope. + ― Betty McCollister, "Our Transitional Species", + Free Inquiry magazine, Vol. 8, No. 1 +% +It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem. +% +It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the +problem. +% +It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat +somebody. + ― Richard M. Nixon +% +It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river. + ― Abraham Lincoln +% +It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. + ― Gore Vidal +% +It is not true that life is one damn thing after another ― it's one +damn thing over and over. + ― Edna St. Vincent Millay +% +It is not well to be thought of as one who meekly submits to insolence and +intimidation. +% +It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? + ― Elizabeth Carpenter +% +It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a +pit. +% +It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that +virginity could be a virtue. + ― Voltaire +% +It is pitch dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue. +% +It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the +lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as +high as the eagle? +% +It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a +statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more +glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through +which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the +day, that is the highest of arts. + ― Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" +% +It is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions. + ― Robert Bly +% +It is the business of little minds to shrink. + ― Carl Sandburg +% +It is the business of the future to be dangerous. + ― Hawkwind +% +It is the common fate of the indolent to see their rights become a prey to +the active. The condition upon which God hath given liberty to man is +eternal vigilance; which condition if he break, servitude is at once the +consequence of his crime and the punishment of his guilt. + ― John Philpot Curran: Speech upon the Right of Election, 1790. + (Speeches. Dublin, 1808.) +% +It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. + ― Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. - A.D. 65) +% +It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. +% +It is wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything upon +insufficient evidence. + ― W. K. Clifford, British philosopher, circa 1876 +% +It is your destiny. + ― Darth Vader +% +It just goes to show what you can do if you're a total psychotic. + ― Woody Allen +% +It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. +% +It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a +warning to others. +% +It may soon be time for you to look for a new line of work. +% +It often works better if you plug it in. +% +It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. +% +It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you. +% +It takes a long time to understand nothing. + ― Edward Dahlberg +% +It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the +system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some +of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very sharp, +probably not someone here on campus. + ― Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, quoted + in "The Technique," Georgia Tech's newspaper, after the computer + worm hit the Internet +% +It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. +% +It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been +always thus. + ― Dean Lattimer +% +It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. +Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top. + ― Hunter S. Thompson +% +It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on +the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. +% +It works better if you plug it in. +% +It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. + ― Andrew Jackson +% +It's a fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. +% +It's a poor workman who blames his tools. +% +It's all in the mind, ya know. +% +It's better to burn out than it is to rust. +% +It's better to burn out than to fade away. +% +It's currently a problem of access to gigabits through punybaud. + ― J. C. R. Licklider +% +It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. +% +It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for +being right. +% +It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. +% +It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it +is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It +isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. + ― Oxford University Press, Edpress News +% +It's later than you think. +% +It's like deja vu all over again. + ― Yogi Berra +% +It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong +direction. +% +It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. + ― Phil White +% +It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. + ― Alexander Korda +% +It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere. +% +It's not often that you get so much class entertainment outside your bedroom +window or outside your bedroom, period. + ― Groucho Marx +% +It's not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless +world. It's our job to raise children who will make the world a little less +cruel and heartless. + ― L.R. Knost +% +It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. +% +It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it +happens. + ― Woody Allen +% +It's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop. +% +It's not what we don't know that gets us into trouble, it's what we know that +ain't so. + ― Will Rogers +% +It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. +% +It's smart to pick your friends - but not to pieces. +% +It's so humid, you could poach an egg on the sidewalk. +% +Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: No man's life, liberty, or +property are safe while the legislature is in session. +% +Jay's First Law: The classic hierarchy consists of one man at the top with +three below him, each of who has three below him, and so on with fearful +symmetry unto the seventh generation, by which stage there is a row of 729 +managers. + ― Antony Jay, Management and Machiavelli, 1967 +% +Jenkinson's Law: It won't work. +% +Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin. + ― Michael O'Donoghue +% +Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. +% +Jizz changes everything. It's science! + ― Jim Chapman +% +John Birch Society ― that pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy. + ― Edward P. Morgan +% +Johnson's First Law: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so +at the most inconvenient possible time. +% +Jones' Law: The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone +to blame it on. +% +Jones' Law of Hierarchical Limits: As an administrator, you need to give +ten pats on the head for each kick in the butt. This is the reason for +keeping the number of people reporting to you a fairly small number. +Otherwise, you will run out of hands, but still have an overcapacity in feet. +% +Jones' Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. +% +Jones's First Law: + Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of + endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an + obstruction to its progress ― in direct proportion to the + importance of their original contribution. +% +Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it. +% +Jury ― Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. +% +Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. + ― Southern California Oracle +% +Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. +% +Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows +what it is. +% +Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he +knows what it is. +% +Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. + ― B. Kliban +% +Just once I'd like to meet an alien menace that isn't immune to bullets. + ― The Brigadier, Dr. Who. +% +Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to +twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! +% +Just remember: you're not a "dummy," no matter what those computer books +claim. The real dummies are the people who―though technically +expert―couldn't design hardware and software that's usable by normal +consumers if their lives depended upon it. + ― Walter Mossberg +% +Justice is incidental to law and order. + ― J. Edgar Hoover +% +Justice, like lightning, should ever appear +To some men hope, to other men fear. + ― Jefferson Pierce +% +Justice: A decision in your favor. +% +Karl's version of Parkinson's Law: Work expands to exceed the time allotted it. +% +Katz' Law: Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities +have been exhausted. +% +Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. +% +Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: +1. The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land + under a car, just out of reach. (This force is technically termed "car + suck.") +2. Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than "Watch this!" +% +Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most +automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the +numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the driver +makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard. +"The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know what's wrong." +% +Ketterling's Law: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. +% +Kinkler's First Law: Responsibility always exceeds authority. +Kinkler's Second Law: All the easy problems have been solved. +% +Klein bottle for rent, apply within. +% +Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. + ― Henry N. Camp +% +L'extension des privileges des femmes est le principe general de tous progres +sociaux. + ― Charles Fourier, 1808 +% +Labor, n.: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Lack of skill dictates economy of style. + ― Joey Ramone +% +Lactomangulation, n.: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so +badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. + ― Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, +all will end as doves. +% +Largely because it is so tangible and exciting a program and as such will +serve to keep alive the interest and enthusiasm of the whole spectrum of +society...It is justified because...the program can give a sense of shared +adventure and achievement to the society at large. + ― Dr. Colin S. Pittendrigh, in "The History of Manned Space Flight" +% +Larkinson's Law: All laws are basically false. +% +Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. +% +Law of Communications: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged +communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly +increased area of misunderstanding. +% +Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences: + If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set. +% +Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be +evenly distributed. +% +Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. +% +Lawrence's Axiom: Anger is one letter short of danger. +% +Laws of Computer Programming +(1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete. +(2) Any given program costs more and takes longer. +(3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. +(4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. +(5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. +(6) The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. +(7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the + programmer who must maintain it. +(8) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you + will find that programmers cannot write in English. + ― SIGPLAN Notices, Vol. 2, No. 2 +% +Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how +tragic your defeats ― approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. +% +Lead, follow, or get out of the way. + ― Anon +% +Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. +% +Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. +% +Leisure can be justified. +Recreation maximizes productive stamina. +Play is not the opposite of work. +Idleness consolidates thought. + ― Thomas "Sam" Frantz +% +Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. +% +Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. +% +Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. +% +Let me play with it first and I'll tell you what it is later. + ― Miles Davis +% +Let me tell you the truth: The truth is what is. And what should be is a +fantasy, a terrible, terrible lie somebody gave the people long ago. + ― Lenny Bruce +% +Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. +% +Let the machine do the dirty work. +% +Let us, then, fellow citizens, unite with one heart and one mind. Let us +restore to social intercourse that harmony and affection without which +liberty and even life itself are but dreary things. And let us reflect +that having banished from our land that religious intolerance under which +mankind so long bled, we have yet gained little if we countenance a +political intolerance as despotic, as wicked, and capable of a bitter and +bloody persecutions. + ― Thomas Jefferson +% +Let's give discredit where discredit is due. + ― Karl Lehenbauer +% +Lewis's Law of Travel: + The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to + anyone, ever. +% +Liar, n.: A lawyer with a roving commission. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth. +% +Liberty is the mother not the daughter of order. + ― Proudhon +% +Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date. +% +Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. +% +Lies written in ink can never disguise facts written in blood. Blood debts +must be repaid in kind. The longer the delay, the greater the interest. + ― Chinese author Lu Xun, 1926 +% +Life in a free society is friendly, prosperous, pleasant, cultured, and +ever-longer. + ― Jeff Daiell, 1989, in counterpoint to Hobbes +% +Life in the state of nature is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short. + ― Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan +% +Life is a pinball machine. You bounce around for a while, and then you drain. + ― Joe Bak +% +Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. +% +Life is full of surprises when you're up th' stream of consciousness +without a paddle... + ― Zippy the Pinhead +% +Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find +there is nothing in it. +% +Life is not one thing after another, it's the same damned thing over and over. +% +Life is the application of noble and profound ideas to life. + ― Matthew Arnold +% +Life is tough, but it's tougher when you're stupid. + ― John Wayne +% +Life is wasted on the living. + ― Zaphod Beeblebrox IV +% +Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else. +% +Life's greatest gift is natural talent. + ― P. K. Thomajan +% +Life. Don't talk to me about life. + ― Marvin the Paranoid Anroid +% +Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made +sense from things she found in gift shops. + ― Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. +% +Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking +for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. + ― Alan McKay +% +Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. +% +Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. +% +listen: there's a hell of a good universe next door; + let's go. + ― ee cummings +% +Live every day like it's your last because someday you'll be right. +% +Live free or die. +% +Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip +around the Sun. +% +Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. +% +Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells awful. +% +Long computations which yield 0 (zero) are probably all for naught. +% +Long distance runners break into more pants. +% +Long life is in store for you. +% +Look under the sofa cushion; you will be surprised at what you find. +% +Look, let me explain something to you. I'm not Mr. Lebowski. You're +Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. That, or His +Dudeness … Duder … or El Duderino, if, you know, you're not into the +whole brevity thing. + ― The Dude ("The Big Lebowski") +% +Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. + ― D'Hericault +% +Los Angeles is a geometropolitan predicament rather than a city. You can no +more administer it than you could administer the solar system. + ― Jonathan Miller +% +Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. + ― Elbert Hubbard +% +Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. +% +Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver." +% +Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. +% +Lowery's Law: If it jams ― force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing +anyway. +% +Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug. +% +Luck is probability taken personally. + ― Chip Denman +% +Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity. + ― E. Letterman +% +Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes. +% +Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. +% +Machines take me by surprise with great frequency. + ― Alan Turing +% +Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. +% +Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. +% +Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. +% +Make a wish: it might come true. +% +Make input easy to proofread +% +Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find the +programmers cannot write in English. +% +Make it right before you make it faster. +% +Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood. + ― D. B. Hudson +% +Make sure all variables are initialized before use. +% +Make sure comments and code agree. +% +Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully. +% +Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users +tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It +has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is +the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. + ― System V.2 administrator's guide +% +Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. +% +Man is a Generalist. Specialization is for insects. + ― Lazarus Long +% +Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called +upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. + ― Oscar Wilde +% +Man is a rationalizing animal, not a rational animal. + ― R. A. Heinlein +% +Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the +only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. + ― Wernher von Braun +% +Man rarely reads the handwriting on the wall until he has his back to it. +% +Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. +% +Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. +% +Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick +himself up and carry on... + ― Winston Churchill +% +Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. +% +Mankind has yet to devise a rule that never requires exceptions. + ― Wayne Dyer +% +Manual, n.: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a +given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information +you need is in the others. + ― Ray Simard +% +Many an optimist has become rich by buying out a pessimist. +% +Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing. +% +Many are called, few volunteer. +% +Many are cold, but few are frozen. +% +Many are the wonders of the Universe, and none so wonderful as Mankind! + ― Sophocles +% +Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. +% +Many pages make a thick book. +% +Many receive advice, few profit from it. +% +Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, +there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he +was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how +completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... + ― Walt Kelly +% +Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: + Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a + simple yes or no answer. +% +Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. + ― Voltaire +% +Marshall's generalized iceberg theorem: 7/8ths of everything cannot be seen. +% +Martin's Law of Communication: The inevitable result of improved and +enlarged communication between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly +increased area of misunderstanding. +% +Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a +receipt. +% +Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. + ― Jules Feiffer +% +Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. + ― R. S. Barton +% +McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: If an item is advertised as "under $50", +you can bet it's not $19.95. +% +Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to +everyone you know, only more so. +% +Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. +% +Mediocrity thrives on standardization. + ― Wayne Dyer +% +Meditation is not what you think. +% +Meeting, n.: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or +department not represented in the room must solve a problem. +% +Memories of you remind me of you. + ― Karl +% +Memory should be the starting point of the present. +% +Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. +% +Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our +pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs +and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, inspires +us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us sleeplessness, +inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness and acts that are +contrary to habit... + ― Hippocrates (c. 460-c. 377 B.C.), The Sacred Disease +% +Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: + The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. +% +Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: + All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. +% +Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. +% +Meskimen's Law: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to +do it over. +% +Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of +Casablanca. +% +Miksch's Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end. +% +Mile's Law: where you stand depends on where you sit. +% +Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. + ― Groucho Marx +% +Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. + ― Groucho Marx +% +Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with +themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. + ― Susan Ertz +% +Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is +almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," +they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a +President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their +lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a +stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. +Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the +Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads +among the gold and the black. + ― Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" +% +Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. + ― Jean Cocteau +% +Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. +% +Miss Wormwood: What state do you live in? +Calvin: Denial. +Miss Wormwood: I don't suppose I can argue with that... +% +Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. +% +Mister Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. +% +Mitchell's Law of Committees: + Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are + held to discuss it. +% +Modern man is the missing link between the apes and humans. +% +Modesty is an ornament, but you go further without it. + ― German Proverb +% +Modesty is of no use to a beggar. + ― Homer +% +Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic +review and be implemented it wasn't worth doing. +% +Money is like a sixth sense, and you can't use the other five without it. +% +Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations. + ― Thomas Jefferson +% +Morality is one thing. Ratings are everything. + ― A Network 23 executive on "Max Headroom" +% +More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path +leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let +us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. + ― Woody Allen +% +Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously. +% +Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: + Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd + be out of a job. +% +Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a boot +if the instructions were printed on the heel. +% +Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a programmer. There are +three, of course: laziness, impatience, and hubris. + ― Larry Wall +% +Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. +% +Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the +population is growing. +% +Mr. Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. +% +Mrs Podgorny: Angus how are y'going to get 48,000,000 kilts into the van? +Angus: I'll have t'do it in two goes. +% +Muddy water let stand will clear. + ― Chinese Proverb +% +Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. +% +Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory. +% +My answer is, bring them on. + ― George W. Bush, on Iraqi militants attacking U.S. forces; + Washington, D.C.; July 3, 2003 +% +My grandson has learned how to hold and carry the cat. He has also learned +how to flush the toilet. I can't help but believe that in the +not-too-distant future there will be another lesson in store for him. + ― Dave Henry +% +My head is bloodied, but unbowed. + ― From the poem "Invictus" +% +My life is so fucking miserable that I don't know whether I was +born or if Morrissey just sang me into existence. + ― R.K. Milholland +% +My mother is a fish. + ― William Faulkner +% +My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. +% +My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, +and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable.... We should be +reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is +indifferent to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in +whether or not we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, +because the grand, slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our +generation, to a point from which we can explore and understand and utilize +it. To turn back now would be to deny our history, our capabilities. + ― James A. Michener +% +My past is my own. + ― The Shadow (DC Comics) +% +Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. +% +Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature, +because it is a product what we can find in our neighborhoods. + ― George W. Bush, Austin, Texas; December 20, 2000 +% +Natural selection won't matter soon, not anywhere as much as concious +selection. We will civilize and alter ourselves to suit our ideas of what +we can be. Within one more human lifespan, we will have changed ourselves +unrecognizably. + ― Greg Bear +% +Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's +character, give him power. + ― Abraham Lincoln +% +Necessity is a mother. +% +Neil Armstrong to Walter Cronkite: "Well, Walter, I believe that the Good +Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to +use up mine running up and down a street." +% +Neil Armstrong tripped. +% +Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. +% +Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. +% +Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. +% +Never drink Coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled with +the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change into +lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the +window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows. +% +Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river. +% +Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting. + ― Billy Rose +% +Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. +% +Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. +% +Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. +% +Never throw a bird at a dragon. +% +Never count your chickens until they rip your lips off. +% +New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and +his wife most often reminds him to act it. + ― Webster's Unafraid Dictionary +% +New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. + ― David Letterman +% +New boots, big steps. + ― Chinese Proverb +% +New systems generate new problems. +% +Newlan's Truism: + An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government + economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. +% +Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. +% +Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: + A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. +% +Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't +have a lucky day this year. +% +Next Wednesday you will be presented with a great opportunity. +% +Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying +as an income tax refund. + ― F. J. Raymond +% +Nihil tam munitum quod non expugnari pecunia possit. (No fort is so strong +that it cannot be taken with money.) + ― Cicero +% +Nihilism should commence with oneself. +% +No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. +% +No guts, no glory. +% +No man was ever taken to hell by a woman unless he already had a ticket in +his pocket, or at least had been fooling around with timetables. + ― Archie Goodwin +% +No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the Legislature is in +session. + ― Lysander Spooner +% +No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up. +% +No matter where you go, there you are. + ― Buckaroo Banzai +% +No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. +% +No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. + ― Eleanor Roosevelt +% +No one is fit to be trusted with power. ... No one. ... Any man who has lived +at all knows the follies and wickedness he's capable of. ... And if he does +know it, he knows also that neither he nor any man ought to be allowed to +decide a single human fate. + ― C. P. Snow, The Light and the Dark +% +No one is talking behind your back as far as you know. +% +No one who accepts the sovereignty of truth can be a foot soldier in a party +or movement. He will always find himself out of step. + ― Sidney Hook +% +No one's happiness but my own is in my power to achieve or to destroy. + ― Ayn Rand +% +No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. +% +No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. +% +No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. +% +No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but 'tis enough, +'twill serve: ask for me to-morrow, and you shall find me a grave man. + ― Mercutio, Romeo and Juliet, Act III, Scene 1 +% +No user-serviceable parts inside. Refer to qualified service personnel. +% +Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. +% +Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. + ― Tallulah Bankhead +% +Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. +% +Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with +constructive praise. +% +Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: + Negative expectations yield negative results. + Positive expectations yield negative results. +% +Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. +% +None love the bearer of bad news. + ― Sophocles +% +Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. +% +Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. +% +Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. +% +Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced ― even a proverb is no +proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. + ― John Keats +% +Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. +% +Nothing in progression can rest on its original plan. We may as well think of +rocking a grown man in the cradle of an infant. + ― Edmund Burke +% +Nothing is as repulsive as phoniness; conversely, nothing is as magnetic +as reality. + ― Howard Henrichs +% +Nothing is done until nothing is done. +% +Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult +than to understand him. + ― Fyodor Dostoevski +% +Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. + ― Andrew Young +% +Nothing is so contagious as enthusiasm: It moves stones, and it charms brutes. +% +Nothing recedes like success. + ― Walt Kelly +% +Now and then an innocent man is sent to the Legislature. +% +Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. +% +O'Riordan's Theorem: Brains x Beauty = Constant. +Purmal's Corollary: As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, +availability goes to zero. +% +O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist. +% +Objects on your screen are closer than they appear. +% +Obviously, a man's judgement cannot be better than the information on which +he has based it. Give him the truth and he may still go wrong when he has +the chance to be right, but give him no news or present him only with +distorted and incomplete data, with ignorant, sloppy or biased reporting, +with propaganda and deliberate falsehoods, and you destroy his whole +reasoning processes, and make him something less than a man. + ― Arthur Hays Sulzberger +% +Ocean, n.: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for +man ― who has no gills. +% +Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. + ― Plato +% +Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst. + ― Thomas Paine +% +Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. +% +Of course, someone who knows more about this will correct me if I'm wrong, +and someone who knows less will correct me if I'm right. + ― David Palmer (palmer@tybalt.caltech.edu) +% +Ogden's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. +% +Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again. + ― Marvin the Paranoid Android +% +Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. +% +Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. +% +Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. + ― Trotsky +% +Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. +% +Oliver's First Law of Computing: Computers are much too complex; they'll +never work. + ― Robert Oliver (circa 1982) +% +On a clear disk you can seek forever. +% +On our campus the UNIX system has proved to be not only an effective software +tool, but an agent of technical and social change within the University. + ― John Lions (U. of Toronto (?)) +% +Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were +forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. + ― W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" +% +One Page Principle: A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11- +inch paper cannot be understood. + ― Mark Ardis +% +One becomes a critic when one cannot be an artist, just as a man becomes a +stool pigeon when he cannot be a soldier. + ― Gustave Flaubert (letter to Madame Louise Colet, August 12, 1846) +% +One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. +% +One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet +when well oiled. +% +One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. +Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, +a rivalry of aim. + ― Henry Brook Adams +% +One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they +never have to stop and answer the phone. +% +One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. +% +One may be able to quibble about the quality of a single experiment, or +about the veracity of a given experimenter, but, taking all the supportive +experiments together, the weight of evidence is so strong as readily to +merit a wise man's reflection. + ― Professor William Tiller, parapsychologist, Stanford University, + commenting on psi research +% +One millihelen: the unit of beauty required to launch just one ship +% +One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible +from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at +least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts +are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but +when He's good, nobody can touch Him. + ― John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 +% +One of the most misleading representational techniques in our language is +the use of the word "I". + ― Ludwig Wittgenstein +% +One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we've been bamboozled +long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We're no +longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured +us. it is simply too painful to acknowledge ― even to ourselves ― that +we've been so credulous. (So the old bamboozles tend to persist as the +new bamboozles rise.) + ― Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection," + Parade, February 1, 1987 +% +One seldom sees a monument to a committee. +% +One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint. +% +One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. +% +One's mind, stretched to a new idea, never goes back to its original dimension. +% +Only God can make random selections. +% +Opinions are like assholes: everyone's got one, but nobody wants to look at +the other guy's. + ― Hal Hickman +% +Optimists say the glass is half full, pessimists say the glass is half +empty, engineers say the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. +% +Optimization hinders evolution. +% +Optimization is not some mystical state of grace, it is an intricate act +of human labor which carries real costs and real risks. + ― Tom Neff +% +Ordinary people: I fuckin' hate 'em. + ― Harry Dean Stanton in "Repo Man" +% +Oregon, n.: + Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday +night. +% +Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. +Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. + ― Mike Adams +% +Osborn's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't. +% +Our journeys to the stars will be made on spaceships created by determined, +hardworking scientists and engineers applying the principles of science, not +aboard flying saucers piloted by little gray aliens from some other dimension. + ― Robert A. Baker, "The Aliens Among Us: Hypnotic Regression + Revisited", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, No. 2 +% +Our liberty depends upon the freedom of the press, and that cannot be +limited without being lost. + ― Thomas Jefferson (1786) +% +Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. + ― Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries +% +Out of body, back in five minutes. +% +Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too +dark to read. +% +Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! +% +Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. +% +Overload ― core meltdown sequence initiated. +% +PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, +whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil perpetrated by skilled but +perverted professionals. + ― Jon Ribbens +% +Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you. +% +Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. +% +Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to +criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. + ― D. J. Hicks +% +Parking fees that Universal Studios collected from picketers of _The Last +Temptation of Christ_: $4,500 + ― Harper's Index Nov. 1988 +% +Parkinson's Fifth Law: If there is a way to delay in important decision, +the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. +% +Parkinson's Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to +increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. +% +Parkinson's Law: Work expands to fill the time alloted it. +% +Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. +% +Benford's Law of Controversy: Passion is inversely proportional to the +amount of real information available. + ― Gregory Benford +% +Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. + ― Eric Hoffer +% +Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. + ― Ambrose Bierce +% +Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. + ― Oscar Wilde +% +Pay no attention to that man behind the curtains. +% +Peace: a period of cheating between two wars. +% +People are very flexible and learn to adjust to strange surroundings ― +they can become accustomed to reading Lisp and Fortran programs, for example. + ― Leon Sterling and Ehud Shapiro, Art of Prolog, MIT Press +% +People get lost in thought because it is unfamiliar territory. +% +People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of +the future. +% +People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how +hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. + ― Calvin +% +People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. +% +People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never +slept in a room with a single mosquito. +% +People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage +of them. +% +People who look down on other people do not end up being looked up to. +% +People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that +Benjamin Franklin said it first. +% +People will buy anything that's one to a customer. +% +Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. +(Confound those who have said our remarks before us.) + ― Aelius Donatus +% +Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse. + ― C. N. Parkinson +% +Perpetuo vincit qui utitur clementia. (He is forever victor who employs +clemency.) + ― Syrus +% +Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open. + ― E. G. Leter +% +Peter's Law of Substitution: Look after the molehills, and the mountains +will look after themselves. +% +Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. +% +Philosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. +% +pi seconds is a nanocentury. + ― Tom Duff +% +Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die + ― John W. Campbell +% +Plagiarism is basic to all culture. + ― Papa Seeger +% +Plan ahead: it was not raining when Noah built the ark. + ― Richard Cushing +% +Please don't ask me what the score is. I'm not even sure what the game is. + ― Ashleigh Brilliant +% +Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the +truth. + ― Ashleigh Brilliant +% +Please go away. +% +Please ignore previous fortune. +% +Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any bazingas' +until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.' Once punched +out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, +and such. + ― N. Meyrowitz +% +Please update your programs. +% +Poetry is nobody's business except the poet's, and everybody else can fuck off. + ― Philip Larkin +% +Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. +% +Police up your spare rounds and frags. Don't leave nothin' for the dinks. + ― Willem Dafoe in "Platoon" +% +Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell +all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. +% +Politician, n.: From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" +("head" or "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). +Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces. + ― Martin Pitt +% +Poor is the pupil who does not surpass his master. + ― Leonardo da Vinci +% +Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Power is poison. +% +Power, n: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. +% +Practice is the best of all instructors. + ― Publilius +% +Predestination was doomed from the start. +% +Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. + ― Niels Bohr +% +Preserve the old, but know the new. +% +Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side. +% +Prevalent beliefs that knowledge can be tapped from previous incarnations or +from a "universal mind" (the repository of all past wisdom and creativity) +not only are implausible but also unfairly demean the stunning achievements +of individual human brains. + ― Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness: Implications for + Psi Phenomena", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 163-171 +% +Prevent security leaks. +% +Pro is to Con as Progress is to Congress. +% +Probably the best operating system in the world is the [operating system] +made for the PDP-11 by Bell Laboratories. + ― Ted Nelson, October 1977 +% +Proclaim liberty throughout the land and to all the inhabitants thereof. + ― Leviticus 25:10 +% +Programming is an art form that fights back. +% +Programming is 10% science, 25% ingenuity and 65% getting the ingenuity to +work with the science. +% +Programming is like sex: one mistake and you're providing support for a +lifetime. + ― Michael Sinz +% +Progress is nothing but the victory of laughter over dogma. + ― Benjamin DeCasseres +% +Promptness is its own reward +If one lives by the clock instead of the sword. +% +Pronounce your prepositions, dammit! +% +Proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the +downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited +awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. + ― David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, + in "The History of Manned Space Flight" +% +Pull yourself together; things are not all that bad. +% +Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. +% +Put your trust in those who are worthy. +% +Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: +Those who understand what they do not manage. +Those who manage what they do not understand. +% +Q. What's all wrinkled and hangs out your underwear? +A. Your mom! +% +Q.: "Why do trans-atlantic transfers take so long?" +A.: "Electrons don't swim very fast." +% +Q: How do you play religious roulette? +A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck + by lightning first. +% +Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ? +A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. +% +Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job? +A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. +% +Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift? +A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. +% +Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? +A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, + Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of + the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% + of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences + of non-blank characters separated by blanks". +% +Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: One and a half. +% +Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? +A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those + Californians trying to share the experience. +% +Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself + symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a + netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin + cosmos of nothingness. +% +Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring + light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government + plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer + Prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin + to break the bulb in the first place. +% +Q: How many Pro-Lifers does it take to change a light bulb? +A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the + screwing began. +% +Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? +A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. +% +Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? +A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with + brightly-colored power tools. +% +Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? +A. Only one, but it takes a really long time and the light bulb has to want + to change. +% +Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? +A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino. +% +Q: Why did the tachyontac cross the road? +A: Because it was on the other side. +% +Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? +A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. +% +Quantity is no substitute for quality, but it's the only one we've got. +% +Quoth the Raven, "Never mind." +% +Quotations are for people who are not saying things worth quoting. +% +Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research. +% +Rational people don't go stomping around demanding that the world be +perfect for them. + ― Matthew N. Dodd , in comments posted to the + freebsd-java mailing list, 6 Feb 2000 +% +READ UNHAPPY - MAKNAM + ― LISP 1.5 +% +Romeo: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. +Mercutio: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church. +% +Rage, rage, against the dying of the light! + ― Dylan Thomas +% +Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? + ― George W. Bush; Florence, South Carolina; January 11, 2000 +% +Ray's Rule of Precision: + Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. +% +Re: graphics: A picture is worth 10K words ― but only those to describe the +picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with +pictures. +% +Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. +% +Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires +you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers +wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly +spring up in the middle of the machine room. +% +Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. +% +Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use +functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? +% +Real Time, adj.: Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there +and then. +% +Real wealth can only increase. + ― R. Buckminster Fuller +% +Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than +being flat broke and having a stomach ache. + ― Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" +% +Recent investments will yield a slight profit. +% +Regardless of the legal speed limit, your Buick must be operated at +speeds faster than 85 MPH (140k/h). + ― presumable misprint from the 1987 Buick Grand National + owner's manual. +% +Reliable software must kill people reliably. + ― Andy Mickel +% +Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. +% +Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for +every noble enterprise. + ― James Madison, in a letter to William Bradford, April 1, 1774 +% +Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse +in Cleveland. +% +Remember: You cannot drain the ocean with a teaspoon. + ― Ignas Bernstein +% +Removing the error messages "now that the program is working" is like +wearing a parachute on the ground, but taking it off once you're in the air. + ― Kernighan & Plauger [Software Tools] +% +Render unto Caesar if line 54 is larger than line 62. +% +Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function. +% +Reporter, n.: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a +tempest of words. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. + ― Wernher von Braun +% +Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get +another chance later on. +% +Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals. + ― "Oh, Lucky Man" +% +Ride the tributaries to reach the sea. + ― Arab Proverb +% +Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention + Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will + reject the proposal. +% +Rudin's Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made between alternative +courses of action, most people will choose the worse one possible. +% +Rule of Feline Frustration: + When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly + content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the + bathroom. +% +Rule of the Great: + When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep + thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. +% +Rules for driving in New York: + 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. + 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. + 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection. +% +SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! + ― Ken Thompson +% +Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proven innocent. + ― George Orwell +% +Salad is what food eats. +% +Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. +% +Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in. +% +Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OSes is like saying that +anal sex is nice because it works on all genders. + ― Alanna +% +Schapiro's Explanation: The grass is always greener on the other side ― +but that's because they use more manure. +% +Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty +without any proof. + ― Ashley Montague +% +Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. +% +Scott's First Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. +% +Scott's Second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will + be found to have been wrong in the first place. +Corollary: After the correction has been found in error, it will be + impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. +% +See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and +over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda. + ― George W. Bush; Greece, New York; May 24, 2005 +% +Seminars, n.: From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. +% +Semper ubi sub ubi. +% +Serocki's Stricture: Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. +% +Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. + ― M. C. Reed. +% +Sex is the poor man's opera. + ― G. B. Shaw +% +Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, +it's one of the best. + ― Woody Allen +% +Shake hands with your mother again. + ― from an old hymn +% +Shaw's Principle: + Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will + want to use it. +% +She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic +candidates for president. + ― John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist + Elizabeth Gould Davis +% +She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could +have poured on a waffle ... +% +Short words are best, and the old words when short are best of all. + ― Winston Churchill +% +Show business is just like high school, except you get paid. + ― Martin Mull +% +Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is +playing golf with his boss. +% +Silverman's Law: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. +% +Simon's Law: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. +% +Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. +% +Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): That quantity which, +when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you +get, gives you the answer you should have gotten. +% +Slime is the agony of water. + ― Jean-Paul Sartre +% +So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in +praise of intelligence. + ― Bertrand Russell +% +So we follow our wandering paths, and the very darkness acts as our guide and +our doubts serve to reassure us. + ― Jean-Pierre de Caussade, eighteenth-century Jesuit priest +% +So where the sheer incompetence of politicians and generals used to start +wars, the sheer incompetence of us computer people has now put an end to +it. No mean feat. For centuries humanity has been looking for the Weapon +That Would End War Forever. We have found it. War has ended, not with the +bang of a bomb, but with the gentle whisper of crashing software. + ― Gerard Stafleu (gerard@uwovax.uwo.ca) +% +So why don't you make like a tree, and get outta here. + ― Biff in "Back to the Future" +% +Socialism is power, power, and more power. + ― Oswald Spengler, Hitler's intellectual forebear +% +Society is the presumption of habit over instinct. + ― Peter Taylor +% +Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is +bound to occur. +% +Software entities are more complex for their size than perhaps any other human +construct because no two parts are alike. If they are, we make the two +similar parts into a subroutine ― open or closed. In this respect, software +systems differ profoundly from computers, buildings, or automobiles, where +repeated elements abound. + ― Fred Brooks, Jr. +% +Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more +'user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take +all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover. + ― Bill Gates, President, Microsoft, Inc. +% +Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. + ― Oscar Wilde +% +Some grow with responsibility, others just swell. + ― Arnold Glasow +% +Some men are discovered; others are found out. +% +Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some +people have mediocrity thrust upon them. + ― Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" +% +Some people fall for everything and stand for nothing. +% +Some people hope to achieve immortality through their works or their children. +I would prefer to achieve it by not dying. + ― Woody Allen +% +Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit +them on the head. +% +Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall +instead of using it + ― Gordon R. Dickson +% +Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they +should live next door and just visit now and then. + ― Katherine Hepburn +% +Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. + ― Lily Tomlin +% +Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. + ― Sigmund Freud +% +Sometimes the only solution is to find a new problem. +% +Sometimes the only way out of a difficulty is through it. +% +Sometimes, too long is too long. + ― Joe Crowe +% +Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent +question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, +paraphrase the question back at him. +% +Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. +% +Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure +that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, +cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the +middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit +string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a +controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before passing it +back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same memory +location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, no, but Real +Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously designed and written by +Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? +% +Spiritual leadership should remain spiritual leadership and the temporal +power should not become too important in any church. + ― Eleanor Roosevelt +% +Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. +% +Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old. + ― Pink Floyd +% +Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming + Never test for an error condition you don't know how to + handle. +% +Stock brokers invest your money until it's all gone. + ― Woody Allen +% +Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if it'd only take a bath. +% +Stult's Report: Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is +fight the solutions. +% +Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward. +% +Sturgeon's Law: Ninety percent of everything is crap. +% +Success is a journey, not a destination. +% +Success is not free. Neither is failure. + ― Ray Kroc +% +Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss +of enthusiasm. + ― Winston Churchill +% +Success is what happens when something goes right. + ― Arnold Glasow +% +Successful and fortunate crime is called virtue. + ― Seneca +% +Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. +% +Superiority is always detested. + ― Balasar Gracian +% +Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest +men in national government too. + ― Richard M. Nixon +% +Swipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts the loudest has the floor. +% +TV is chewing gum for the eyes. + ― Frank Lloyd Wright +% +Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a +hole in his head. +% +Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. +% +Tact is the great ability to see other people as they think you see them. +% +Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking. +% +Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves. +% +Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. +% +Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting +enough cheese. + ― National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" +% +Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it +needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. + ― Kipling +% +Take what you can use and let the rest go by. + ― Ken Kesey +% +Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind +the tree." + ― Russell Long +% +Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he +grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. +% +Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means +for going backwards. + ― Aldous Huxley +% +Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe +you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it +to be sure. +% +Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing. + ― R. Geis +% +Than self restraint, there is nothing better. + ― Lao Tzu +% +That 150 lawyers should do business together ought not to be expected. + ― Thomas Jefferson, on the U.S. Congress. +% +That government is best which governs least. + ― Thomas Jefferson +% +That government is best which governs not at all. + ― Henry David Thoreau +% +That is the key to history. Terrific energy is expended ― civilizations +are built up ― excellent institutions devised; but each time something +goes wrong. Some fatal flaw always brings the selfish and cruel people to +the top, and then it all slides back into misery and ruin. In fact, the +machine conks. It seems to start up all right and runs a few yards, and +then it breaks down. + ― C. S. Lewis +% +That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest. + ― Thoreau +% +That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. +% +That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they +really hate is lousy programmers. + ― Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty" +% +The Abrams' Principle: The shortest distance between two points is off the +wall. +% +The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: To determine how long it will +take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that +by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units. +% +The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach +their children to speak it. + ― G. B. Shaw +% +The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously. +% +The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided +by the number of people in the group. +% +The Idea is like grass. It craves light, likes crowds, thrives on +cross-breeding, grows better for being stepped on. + ― Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed" +% +The Kennedy Constant: Don't get mad ― get even. +% +The Law of Software Envelopment (at MIT): Every program at MIT attempts to +expand until it can read mail. Those programs which cannot expand are +replaced by ones which can. +% +The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, +to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. + ― Anatole France +% +The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: Avoid overly pretentious job +titles such as "Lord of the Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" +or "Director of Corporate Planning." +% +The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the +right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. + ― Dorothy Nevill +% +The Roman Rule: The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the +one who is doing it. +% +The Swartzberg Test: The validity of a science is its ability to predict. +% +The Third Law of Photography: If you did manage to get any good shots, they +will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all +of the dark leaks out. +% +The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. +% +The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and +religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging +from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its +yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the +world put together. + ― Sir Peter Medawar +% +The United States has entered an anti-intellectual phase in its history, +perhaps most clearly seen in our virtually thought-free political life. + ― David Baltimore +% +The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by +people who want some. + ― Dwight MacDonald +% +The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper + ― Thomas Jefferson +% +The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the―the vast majority +of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these +people and we will bring them to justice. + ― George W. Bush, Washington, D.C.; October 28, 2003 +% +The angels wanna wear my red shoes. +% +The applause of a single human being is of great consequence. + ― Samuel Johnson +% +The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. +% +The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord. +% +The author should gaze at Noah, and ... learn, as they did in the Ark, to crowd +a great deal of matter into a very small compass. + ― Sydney, Smith, Edinburgh Review +% +The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the +average man can see better than he can think. +% +The best cure for anger is delay. + ― Seneca +% +The best prophet of the future is the past. +% +The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and +fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are +drifting side by side to our common doom. + ― Clarence Darrow +% +The best thing about a boolean is even if you are wrong, you are only off +by a bit. + ― Anonymous +% +The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. +% +The best way to break a bad habit is to drop it. + ― Anonymous +% +The better part of maturity is knowing your goals. + ― Arnold Glasow +% +The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse +time. + ― Merrick Furst +% +The chain that can be yanked is not the cosmic chain. + ― Cal Keegan +% +The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up +at the steam fitters' picnic. +% +The chief barrier to happiness is envy. + ― Frank Tyger +% +The chief cause of problems is solutions. + ― Eric Sevareid, CBS Evening News, December 29, 1970 +% +The city of the dead antedates the city of the living. + ― Lewis Mumford +% +The clothes have no emperor. + ― C. A. Hoare, about Ada. +% +The complexity of software is an essential property, not an accidental one. +Hence, descriptions of a software entity that abstract away its complexity +often abstract away its essence. + ― Fred Brooks, Jr. +% +The computing field is always in need of new cliches. + ― Alan Perlis +% +The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems +and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting +language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best +dangerous. + ― Bjarne Stroustrup in "The C++ Programming Language" +% +The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is +none of my business, but ―" is to place a period after the word "but." +Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. +Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you +talked about. + ― Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" +% +The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. +% +The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going +down. +% +The country needs and, unless I mistake its temper, the country demands bold, +persistent experimentation. + ― Franklin Delano Roosevelt +% +The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. + ― John McNulty +% +The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being +as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of +the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the +dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with +this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine +doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors. + ― Thomas Jefferson +% +The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of +us who are fortunate enough never to have been one ― like watching +Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. +% +The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? +% +The decision didn't have to be logical, it was unanimous. +% +The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. +% +The difference between Genius and Stupidity is that Genius has limits. +% +The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science +requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. + ― Robert Heinlein +% +The difference between sympathy and empathy is three letters: "yes". + ― P. Taylor +% +The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere +in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, +Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in +Christianity. + ― John Adams +% +The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. +% +The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. + ― Buckminster Fuller +% +The end of labor is to gain leisure. +% +The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with +symposium to follow. +% +The envious man grows lean at the success of his neighbor. + ― Horace +% +The evolution of the human race will not be accomplished in the ten thousand +years of tame animals, but in the million years of wild animals, because man +is and will always be a wild animal. + ― Charles Galton Darwin +% +The existence of god implies a violation of causality. +% +The fact that it works is immaterial. + ― L. Ogborn +% +The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. +% +The fancy is indeed no other than a mode of memory emancipated from the order +of space and time. + ― Samuel Taylor Coleridge +% +The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems. + ― Roger Levian +% +The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. +% +The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time. The last 10% of a project +takes 90% of the time. +% +The first and great commandment is: Do not let them scare you. + ― Elmer Davis +% +The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. + ― Abbie Hoffman +% +The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. + ― Paul Erlich +% +The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. + ― Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month +% +The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. + ― Alan Coult +% +The following statement is true. +The previous statement is false. +% +The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip objects +into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air due to +levitation. + +Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur if the +character does not have fire resistance. + + ― README file from the NetHack game +% +The fourth law of thermodynamics: +The perversity of the universe tends towards a maximum. +% +The fundamentalists, by "knowing" the answers before they start [examining +evolution], and then forcing nature into the straitjacket of their +discredited preconceptions, lie outside the domain of science―-or of any +honest intellectual inquiry. + ― Stephen Jay Gould, Bully for Brontosaurus (1990) +% +The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) +% +The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. +% +The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. +% +The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at +least until we've finished building it. +% +The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. +The goal of nature is to build better mice. +% +The government of the United States is not in any sense founded +on the Christian Religion. + ― George Washington (The Treaty of Tripoli) +% +The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. +% +The greatest warriors are the ones who fight for peace. + ― Holly Near +% +The hand that rocks the cradle can also cradle a rock. + ― Feminist saying, circa 1968-1972 +% +The hardest thing to open is a closed mind. + ― Leo Burnett +% +The heart has no rainbows when the eye has no tears. +% +The hell with the Prime Directive: let's kill something. +% +The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent +thinkers. +% +The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for +lists of "Ten Best". + ― H. Allen Smith +% +The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity +― the rest is overhead for the operating system. +% +The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange +protein ― it rejects it. + ― P. Medawar +% +The hypothesis: Amid a wash of paper, a small number of documents become the +critical pivots around which every project's management revolves. These are the +manager's chief personal tools. + ― Frederick P. Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month +% +The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to +lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the +fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into +it in the first place. + ― attributed to Douglas Adams +% +The ideal is impossible. The idea of the ideal is essential. + ― P. Taylor +% +The inability to benefit from feedback appears to be the primary cause of +pseudoscience. Pseudoscientists retain their beliefs and ignore or distort +contradictory evidence rather than modify or reject a flawed theory. Because +of their strong biases, they seem to lack the self-correcting mechanisms +scientists must employ in their work. + ― Thomas L. Creed, "The Skeptical Inquirer," Summer 1987 +% +The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important +point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly +important thing to people. + ― Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King +% +The Internet? Is that thing still around? + ― Homer Simpson +% +The Internet is the most powerful stupidity amplifier ever invented. It’s +like television without the television part. + - James “Kibo” Perry +% +The lame in the path outstrip the swift who wander from it. + ― Francis Bacon +% +The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. + ― Blaise Pascal +% +The life of a repo man is always intense. +% +The life of money-making is one undertaken under compulsion, and wealth is +evidently not the good we are seeking, for it is merely useful for the sake +of something else. + ― Aristotle +% +The life which is unexamined is not worth living. +% +The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching +train. +% +The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get +much sleep. + ― Woody Allen +% +The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. + ― Henry Kissinger +% +The love of money is only one among many. + ― Alfred Marshall +% +The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. +% +The main thing is the play itself. I swear that greed for money has nothing +to do with it, although heaven knows I am sorely in need of money. + ― Feodor Dostoyevsky +% +The man scarce lives who is not more credulous than he ought to be. ... +The natural disposition is always to believe. It is acquired wisdom and +experience only that teach incredulity, and they very seldom teach it +enough. + ― Adam Smith +% +The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the +crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no +one has ever been. + ― Alan Ashley-Pitt +% +The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. +% +The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda +can, when discarded will last forever; and a $20,000 car which, when +properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years. +% +The meek are contesting the will. +% +The meek shall inherit the earth ― they are too weak to refuse. +% +The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights. + ― J. Paul Getty +% +The meek shall inherit the earth. The rest of us will go to the stars. +% +The meek will inherit the Earth..... The rest of us will go to the stars. +% +The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out. + ― Tenessee Williams +% +The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. +% +The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and +robbers there will be. + ― Lao Tsu +% +The more things change, the more they stay insane. +% +The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again. +% +The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us +is right. +% +The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. + ― Andy Warhol +% +The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new +discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." + ― Isaac Asimov +% +The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human mind to +correlate all its contents. + ― H. P. Lovecraft +% +The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I +hope I don't get run over again. +% +The next six days are dangerous. +% +The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to +choose from. + ― Andrew S. Tanenbaum +% +The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the +80-column card. + ― Dennis M. Ritchie +% +The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze +all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have +answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when +called upon. However, when you are up to your ass in alligators it is +difficult to remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. +% +The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. +% +The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity. + ― Oscar Wilde +% +The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when +to cringe. +% +The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. +% +The only good bug is a dead bug. +But the best bug is the one that wasn't there to begin with. +% +The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the +`social sciences' is: some do, some don't. + ― Ernest Rutherford +% +The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop +and take a rest. +% +The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. + ― Edmund Burke +% +The only things worth learning are the things you learn after you know it all. + ― Harry S Truman +% +The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any +use to oneself. + ― Oscar Wilde +% +The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. +% +The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. + ― Oscar Wilde +% +The only way to learn a new programming language is by writing programs in it. + ― Brian Kernighan +% +The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up +until 5 or 6 pm. +% +The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a +profound truth may well be another profound truth. + ― Niels Bohr +% +The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. + ― Bohr +% +The optimum committee has no members. + ― Norman Augustine +% +The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because +it isn't here. + ― Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) +% +The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato +chip market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food +market and is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose + ― James Finke, President, Commodore Int'l Ltd. (1982) +% +The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter +swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the +batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The +center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute +his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. + ― Dizzy Dean +% +The plural of spouse is spice. +% +The police are not there to create disorder. The police are there to +preserve disorder. + ― The late Richard J. Daly, Mayor of the city of Chicago +% +The power to destroy a planet is insignificant when compared to the power of +the Force. + ― Darth Vader +% +The price of greatness is responsibility. + ― Winston Churchill +% +The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate +knowledge of its ugly side. + ― James Baldwin +% +The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to +constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every +appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA +statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This +also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. + ― FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers +% +The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the +stupidity of your action. +% +The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go +to erase it. + ― Glaser and Way +% +The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a +chance to prove it. +% +The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be +pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. + ― Elizabeth Taylor +% +The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. +% +The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong. +% +The programmer, like the poet, works only slightly removed from pure thought- +stuff. He builds his castles in the air, from air, creating by exertion of the +imagination. Few media of creation are so flexible, so easy to polish and +rework, so readily capable of realizing grand conceptual structures. + ― Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month +% +The purpose of most meetings seems to be to get as much human meat as possible +into one room. + ― James Iry, via Twitter +% +The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong ― +but that's the way to bet. + ― Damon Runyon +% +The rain it raineth on the just + And also on the unjust fella, +But chiefly on the just, because + The unjust steals the just's umbrella. +% +The reason ESP, for example, is not considered a viable topic in +contemporary psychology is simply that its investigation has not proven +fruitful...After more than 70 years of study, there still does not exist +one example of an ESP phenomenon that is replicable under controlled +conditions. This simple but basic scientific criterion has not been met +despite dozens of studies conducted over many decades... It is for this +reason alone that the topic is now of little interest to psychology... In +short, there is no demonstrated phenomenon that needs explanation. + ― Keith E. Stanovich, "How to Think Straight About Psychology", + pp. 160-161 +% +The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. +% +The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our +behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel. + ― Steve Furtick +% +The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one +persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all +progress depends on the unreasonable man. + ― George Bernard Shaw +% +The revolution will not be televised. +% +The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. + ― Emerson +% +The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. +This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. +% +The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. +This means that only left-handed people are in their right minds. +% +The road to to success is always under construction. + ― Florian Bruckner +% +The secret cement of any organization is trust. + ― Donald E. Walker +% +The shell must break before the bird can fly. + ― Alfred, Lord Tennyson +% +The shortest distance between two points is under construction. + ― Noelie Altito +% +The silly question is the first intimation of some totally new development. +% +The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an +"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers while +seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference ― one can +see only a very few things at once. + ― Fred Brooks, Jr. +% +The solution to a problem changes the problem. + ― J. Martin +% +The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money. + ― Ed Bluestone +% +The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. +% +The steady state of disks is full. + ―Ken Thompson +% +The study of theology, as it stands in the Christian churches, is the study +of nothing; it is founded on nothing; it rests on no principles; it +proceeds by no authority; it has no data; it can demonstrate nothing; and +it admits of no conclusion. + ― Thomas Paine, from The Age of Reason +% +The subject matter of research is no longer nature in itself, but nature +subjected to human questioning . . . + ― Werner Heisenberg +% +The sun was shining on the sea, +Shining with all his might: +He did his very best to make +The billows smooth and bright ― +And this was very odd, because it was +The middle of the night. + ― Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" +% +The superfluous is very necessary. + ― Voltaire +% +The sweetest of all sounds is praise. + ― Xenophon +% +The tar pit of software engineering will continue to be sticky for a long time +to come. One can expect the human race to continue attempting systems just +within or just beyond our reach; and software systems are perhaps the most +intricate and complex of man's handiworks. The management of this complex +craft will demand our best use of new languages and systems, our best +adaptation of proven engineering management methods, liberal doses of common +sense, and ... humility to recognize our fallibility and limitations. + ― Frederick Brooks, Jr., The Mythical Man Month +% +The Three Laws of Thermodynamics +The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. +The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. +The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. +% +The time is right to make new friends. +% +The trouble with a kitten is that +When it grows up, it's always a cat + ― Ogden Nash. +% +The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. +% +The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing +more important to do. +% +The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody +appreciates how difficult it was. +% +The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer +is doing until it's too late. + ― Seymour Cray +% +The trouble with us in America isn't that the poetry of life has turned to +prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy. + ― Louis Kronenberger +% +The truth is that all those having power ought to be mistrusted. + ― James Madison +% +The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And +vice versa. +% +The typical page layout program is nothing more than an electronic +light table for cutting and pasting documents. +% +The universe is laughing behind your back. +% +The unnatural, that too is natural. + ― Goethe +% +The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be +regarded as a criminal offense. + ― E. W. Dijkstra (1982) +% +The vigor of civilized societies is preserved by the widespread sense that +high aims are worth-while. Vigorous societies harbor a certain +extravagance of objectives, so that men wander beyond the safe provision of +personal gratifications. All strong interests easily become impersonal, +the love of a good job well done. There is a sense of harmony about such +an accomplishment, the Peace brought by something worth-while. + ― Alfred North Whitehead, 1963, in "The History of Manned Space + Flight" +% +The way to make a small fortune in the stock market is to start with a +large one. +% +The Web is like a dominatrix. Everywhere I turn, I see little buttons +ordering me to Submit. + ― Nytwind +% +The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. + ― Wavy Gravy +% +The wife you save may be your own. + ― Unofficial slogan of supporters of one of FDR's sons, + a notorious womanizer, during the son's first congressional race +% +The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. +% +The world is a fantasy, so let's find out about it. + ― Astrophysicist Dennis Sciama, to Timothy Ferris (quoted in + Ferris's book, "The Mind's Sky") +% +The world is coming to an end. Please log off. +% +[The World Wide Web is] the only thing I know of whose shortened +form―www―takes three times longer to say than what it's short for. + ― attributed to Douglas Adams +% +The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who think the world is +divided into two kinds of people and those who do not. +% +The world is no nursery. + ― Sigmund Freud +% +The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls. + ― Father Robert F. Capon +% +The world will not recognize your talent until you demonstrate it. +% +The world's as ugly as sin, +And almost as delightful + ― Frederick Locker-Lampson +% +The worst form of failure is the failure to try. +% +The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of +four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all +the answers. +% +Theorem: A cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one +tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails. +% +There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. +% +There are 10 types of people who understand binary: The ones who do, and +the ones who don't. +% +There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. + ― Winston Churchill +% +There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, +and praiseworthy ... + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +There are no bugs, only unrecognized features. +% +There are no giant crabs in here, Frank. +% +There are no saints, only unrecognized villains. +% +There are only two kinds of programming languages: those people always +bitch about and those nobody uses. + ― Bjarne Stroustrup +% +There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both +plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; +and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, +don't we all? +% +There are 10 kinds of people. Those who know binary and those who don't. +% +There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them. + ― Heisenberg +% +There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. + ― Disraeli +% +There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire +someone, or forbid your kids to do it. +% +There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: +"The Lord of the Rings" and "Atlas Shrugged". One is a childish fantasy +that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, +leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to +deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs. + ― John Rogers (kfmonkey.blogspot.com/2009/03/ephemera-2009-7.html) +% +There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make +it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to +make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. + ― Charles Anthony Richard Hoare +% +There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works. +% +There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn't true. The other +is to refuse to accept what is true. + ― Søren Kierkegaard +% +There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a +suitable application of high explosives. +% +There can be no offense where none is taken. + ― Japanese proverb +% +There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. + ― Henry Kissinger +% +There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing +about. +% +There is a bear following you around. +% +There is a decivilizing bug somewhere at work; unconsciously persons of +stern worth, by not resenting and resisting the small indignities of the +times, are preparing themselves for the eventual acceptance of what they +themselves know they don't want. + ― attributed to E.B. White +% +There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of +paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. +% +There is no "Complete Idiot's Guide to Creationism," but perhaps one is not +needed. + ― Andrei Codrescu, on NPR Aug. 25, 1999 +% +There is no excuse for the use of the word "synergies" on any project where +common sense and straight talking are the norm. + ― Paul Robinson , in a post to the + FreeBSD-Hackers mailing list, 17 July, 2003 +% +There is some sort of perverse pleasure in knowing that it's basically +impossible to send a piece of hate mail through the Internet without its +being touched by a gay program. That's kind of funny. + ― Eric Allman +% +There is one safeguard known generally to the wise, which is an advantage +and security to all, but especially to democracies as against despots. What +is it? Distrust. + ― Demosthenes: Philippic 2, sect. 24. +% +There is a time in the tides of men, +Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. +On the other hand, don't count on it. + ― T. K. Lawson +% +There is danger in delaying, good fortune in acting. +% +There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing the +rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries civilization +will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. We must provide a Great +Age or see the collapse of the upward striving of the human race. + ― Alfred North Whitehead +% +There is no heavier burden than a great potential. +% +There is no idea so sacred that it cannot be questioned, analyzed... +and ridiculed. + ― Cal Keegan +% +There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to +attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So +it is written in the genetic cards ― only physics and war hold him in +check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. + ― Encyclopadia Apocrypha, 1990 ed. +% +There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it + ― G. B. Shaw +% +There is no statute of limitations on stupidity. + ― Randomly produced by a computer program called Markov3. +% +There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. +% +There is no such thing as not enough time if you are doing what you want to do. +% +There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it. +% +There is no time like the pleasant. +% +There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing. +% +There is nothing in this world constant but inconstancy. + ― Swift +% +There is nothing so deadly as not to hold up to people the opportunity to +do great and wonderful things, if we wish to stimulate them in an active way. + ― Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry +% +There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and +that is not being talked about. + ― Oscar Wilde +% +There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it +would completely cover the Sahara Desert. +% +There was nothing I hated more than to see a filthy old drunkie, a howling +away at the sons of his father and going blurp blurp in between as if it were +a filthy old orchestra in his stinking rotten guts. I could never stand to +see anyone like that, especially when they were old like this one was. + ― Alex in "Clockwork Orange" +% +There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the +two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- digit +inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent +postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the transistor, +the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, +sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, +magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV +relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, +and the first communications satellite. Guess which one got to tell the +other how to run the telephone business? +% +There will always be survivors. + ― Robert Heinlen +% +There will be big changes for you, but you will be happy. +% +There you go man, +Keep as cool as you can. +It riles them to believe that you perceive the web they weave. +Keep on being free! +% +There's a bug somewhere in your code. +% +There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence. +% +There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. +% +There's always someone, somewhere, +with a big nose, who knows +and who trips you up and laughs +when you fall. + ― The Smiths +% +There's at least one fool in every married couple. +% +There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go. +% +There's more than one way to skin a cat: + Way number 15 ― Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. +% +There's more than one way to skin a cat: + Way number 27 ― Use an electric sander. +% +There's more to life than sitting around in the sun in your underwear +playing the clarinet. +% +There's no future in time travel +% +There's no limit to how complicated things can get, on account of one +thing always leading to another. + ― E. B. White +% +There's no place like home. +% +There's no place like $HOME. +% +There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. + ― Dr. Who +% +There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right +keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. + ― J. S. Bach +% +There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. + ― David Mairowitz +% +There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn +what it is I'll get married again. + ― Clint Eastwood +% +There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is +becoming an endangered synthetic. + ― Lily Tomlin +% +These patriots don't mince words... Okay, sure, they ARE dangerous, +hopelessly ignorant, inbred, retarded borderline lunatics with an +insatiable lust for the blood of sinners ― but at least they're HONEST +about it. + ― Reverend Ivan Stang, cofounder of the Church of the Subgenius, + about a group known as Free Love Ministries, in his book _High + Weirdness By Mail_ +% +They [preachers] dread the advance of science as witches do the approach +of daylight and scowl on the fatal harbinger announcing the subversions +of the duperies on which they live. + ― Thomas Jefferson +% +They also surf who only stand on waves. +% +They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas! +% +Things are always at their best in the beginning. + ― Pascal +% +Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. + ― Dwight D. Eisenhower +% +Things are more like they used to be than they are now. +% +Things are not as simple as they seems at first. + ― Edward Thorp +% +Things won't get any better, so get used to it. +% +Think honk if you're a telepath. +% +This fortune intentionally not included. +% +This fortune is false. +% +This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. +% +This fortune will self destruct in 5 years. +% +This isn't brain surgery; it's just television. + ― David Letterman +% +This space unintentionally left blank. +% +This was the ultimate form of ostentation among technology freaks ― to have +a system so complete and sophisticated that nothing showed; no machines, +no wires, no controls. + ― Michael Swanwick, "Vacuum Flowers" +% +Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of +doing you good, you should run for your life. + ― Attributed to Thoreau by William H. Whyte, Jr., in + The Organization Man (1956) +% +Those of us who believe in the right of any human being to belong to whatever +church he sees fit, and to worship God in his own way, cannot be accused +of prejudice when we do not want to see public education connected with +religious control of the schools, which are paid for by taxpayers' money. + ― Eleanor Roosevelt +% +Those who are quick in deciding are in danger of being mistaken. + ― Sophocles +% +Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of +Silly Putty. + ― Dennis Rawlins, astronomer +% +Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in their +hearts, without anguish in mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, +without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in +the God idea, not God Himself. + ― Miguel de Unamuno, Spanish philosopher and writer +% +Those who bite the hand that feeds them usually lick the boot that kicks them. +% +Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate. +% +Those who can't repeat the past are condemned to remember it. + ― Mark O'Donnell +% +Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. + ― Henry Spencer, University of Toronto Unix hacker +% +Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, +for these only gave life, those the art of living well. + ― Aristotle +% +Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. +% +Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent +revolution inevitable. + ― John F. Kennedy +% +Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. +% +Those who want the Government to regulate matters of the mind and spirit +are like men who are so afraid of being murdered that they commit suicide +to avoid assassination. + ― Harry S Truman +% +Throw out your gold teeth / And see how they roll. +The answer they reveal: / Life is unreal. + ― Steely Dan +% +Time and tide wait for no man. +% +Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. +% +Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. + ― Graffiti +% +Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. +% +Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. +% +Time wounds all heels. +% +Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is +writing a book. + ― Cicero +% +Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles. + ― Frank Lloyd Wright +% +To be awake is to be alive. + ― Henry David Thoreau, in "Walden Pond" +% +To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. +% +To be is to program. +% +To be overbusy is a witless task. + ― Sophocles +% +To be perfect is to have changed often. + ― J. H. Newman +% +To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the +target. + ― Ashleigh Brilliant +% +To be wrong all the time is an effort, but some manage it. + ― William Feather +% +To be, or what? + ― Sylvester Stallone +% +To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the +competent. +% +To do easily what is difficult for others is the mark of talent. + ― H. F. Amiel +% +To downgrade the human mind is bad theology. + ― C. K. Chesterton +% +To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but not its programmer. + ― Morris Kingston +% +To err is human, to forgive divine. +% +To follow foolish precedents, and wink +With both our eyes, is easier than to think. + ― William Cowper +% +To invent products out of thin air, you don't ask people what they want ― +after all, who would've told you ten years ago that they needed a CD +player? You ask them what problems they have when they get up in the +morning. + ― Robert Hall, Sr. Vice President, GVO, as quoted in the December, + 1991, issue of Fortune +% +To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. + ― Thomas Edison +% +To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. +% +To knock a thing down, especially if it is cocked at an arrogant angle, is a +deep delight of the blood. + ― Georges Santayana +% +To know the world one must construct it. + ― Cesare Pavese +% +To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. +% +To program anything that is programmable is obsession. +% +To program is to be. +% +To steal from a thief is not theft. It is merely irony. + ― Zorro, while retrieving money taxed from Californians +% +To steal from one person is theft. To steal from many is taxation. + ― Daiell's Law (a take-off on Felson's Law) +% +To teach is to learn. +% +To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional +system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, +inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: precision +and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, uncertain situations +as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, well-defined ones. Those +who admire the massive, rigid bone structures of dinosaurs should remember +that jellyfish still enjoy their very secure ecological niche. + ― Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" +% +Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. +% +Today is the last day of your life so far. +% +Too clever is dumb. + ― Ogden Nash +% +Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. + ― Mae West +% +Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be prosecuted. +% +Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. +% +True innovation often comes from the small startup who is lean enough to +launch a market but lacks the heft to own it. + ― Timm Martin +% +Truth has always been found to promote the best interests of mankind. + ― Percy Bysshe Shelley +% +Truthful, adj.: Dumb and illiterate. + ― Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" +% +Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. + ― Charles Schulz +% +Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good. + ― Ashleigh Brilliant +% +Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only +specification is that it should run noiselessly. +% +Turnaucka's Law: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its +electrical cord. +% +Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. +% +Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. + ― Howard Kandel +% +Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. +% +Two percent of zero is almost nothing. +% +UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. +% +UFOs are for real. It's the Air Force that doesn't exist. +% +Uncertain fortune is thoroughly mastered by the equity of the calculation. + ― Blaise Pascal +% +Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: + Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a + hammer or get a splinter in it. +% +Uncompensated overtime? Just Say No. +% +Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some +ordinance under which you can be booked. + ― Robert D. Sprecht (Rand Corp) +% +Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it +can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... +% +Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: + Superiority is recessive. +% +United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the +Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of +all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of +all the patriots of every persuasion. + +Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the +world. + ― Isaac Asimov +% +Universe, n.: The problem. +% +University, n.: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's +usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix it. +% +UNIX *is* user friendly. It's just selective about who its friends are. + ― unknown +% +Unless one is a genius, it is best to aim at being intelligible. + ― Anthony Hope +% +Unless you are very rich and very eccentric, you will not enjoy the luxury of +a computer in your own home. + ― Edward Yourdon, 1975. +% +Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure. +% +Use debugging compilers. +% +Use free-form input where possible. +% +Use library functions. +% +Use the Force, Luke. +% +Useful knowledge is a great support for intuition. + ― Charles B. Rogers +% +Users of a tool are willing to meet you halfway; if you do ninety percent +of the job, they will be ecstatic. + ― Software Tools, p.136. +% +VMS isn't an operating system, it's a playpen for DEC system programmers. + ― Herb Blashtfalt +% +Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. +% +Variables won't. Constants aren't. +% +Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: + 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only + once. + 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data + points. +% +Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. +% +Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars. +% +Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. + ― Salvor Hardin +% +Vique's Law: +A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle. +% +Virtue is its own punishment. +% +Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving +from where you left them to where you can't find them. +% +Vitamin C deficiency is apauling +% +Volcano - a mountain with hiccups. +% +Vote anarchist. +% +Walter, I love you, but sooner or later, you're going to have to face the +fact you're a goddamn moron. + ― The Dude ("The Big Lebowski") +% +War is menstruation envy. +% +Waste not, get your budget cut next year. +% +Wasting time is an important part of living. +% +Watch out for off-by-one errors. +% +We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. + ― Whole Earth Catalog +% +We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny. +% +We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. + ― Oscar Wilde +% +We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. + ― Walt Kelly, "Pogo" +% +We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. + ― Dwight D. Eisenhower +% +We are not alone. +% +We are what we pretend to be. + ― Kurt Vonnegut, JR +% +We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. +% +We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. +% +We can't let children think it's okay to dress up like Vikings and go +around hollering. + ― Dogbert, on opera +% +We can't schedule an orgy, it might be construed as fighting + ― Stanley Sutton +% +We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you. +% +We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. +% +We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish. + ― John Culkin +% +We don't want to discourage the innovators and those who take risks because +they're afraid of getting sued by a lawsuit. + ― George W. Bush; Washington, D.C.; June 24, 2004 +% +We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; +For he to-day that sheds his blood with me +Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile, +This day shall gentle his condition: +And gentlemen in England now a-bed +Shall think themselves accursed they were not here, +And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks +That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day. + ― King Henry V, "Henry V", Act IV, Scene 3 +% +We have met the enemy and he is us + ― Walt Kelly (in POGO) +% +We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history. +% +We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always +respect their good judgement. +% +We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately. + ― Benjamin Franklin +% +They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety +deserve neither liberty nor safety. + ― Benjamin Franklin +% +We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass +no matter how self-seeking. + ― F. G. Withington +% +We now return you to your regularly scheduled program. +% +We want to create puppets that pull their own strings. + ― Ann Marion +% +We were spanking each other with meat and then suddenly it got weird. + ― Joe Hacket +% +We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one +technical problem ― how to run a sunbeam through a meter. +% +We work to become, not to acquire. + ― Elbert Hubbard +% +We'll be a great country where the fabrics are made up of groups and +loving centers. + ― George W. Bush, Kalamazoo, Michigan; March 27, 2001 +% +We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is more than she ever did. + ― Rufus T. Firefly, in "Duck Soup" +% +We're here to give you a computer, not a religion. + ― attributed to Bob Pariseau, at the introduction of the Amiga +% +We're the weirdest monkeys ever. + ― Karl Lehenbauer +% +We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center +of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, +but for some reason nobody's ever done it. + ― Andy Rooney +% +Wear me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong +as death, passion cruel as the grave; it blazes up like blazing fire, fiercer +than any flame. + [Song of Solomon 8:6 (NEB)] +% +Weiler's Law: + Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. +% +Weinberg's First Law: Progress is made on alternate Fridays. +% +Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers +wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy +civilization. +% +Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends! +% +Welcome to the human race, with its wars, disease and brutality. + ― Chrissie Hynde (The Pretenders), "Show Me" +% +Welcome to The Machine. +% +Welcome to the working week. +I know it don't thrill you +I hope it don't kill you. +% +Well, I killed my own grandfather and here I am! Guess there's no paradox +when time travel isn't involved. + ― Andrew Kennedy +% +Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in +poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come +and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou! + ― Alex in "Clockwork Orange" +% +Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature. It's a piss-poor +reptile and not very much of a bird. + ― Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a zoologist who has + studied the archeopteryx and found it "very much like people" +% +Were there fewer fools, knaves would starve. + ― Anonymous +% +Westheimer's Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently +save a couple of hours in the library. +% +Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. +% +What a waste it is to lose one's mind ― or not to have a mind at all. +How true that is. + ― V.P. Dan Quayle, garbling the United Negro College Fund slogan + in an address to the group (from Newsweek, May 22nd, 1989) +% +What are you doing wrong with our bug-free product? +% +What cannot be eaten must be civilized. + ― Peter Taylor +% +What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick! + ― Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian +% +What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? +% +What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. +% +What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes. +% +What is a magician but a practising theorist? + ― Obi-Wan Kenobi +% +What is mind? No matter. +What is matter? Never mind. + ― Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 +% +What is the difference between the modern computer and a Turing machine? +It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the +establishment of a Hilton on its peak. +% +What is tolerance? ― it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed +of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly ― +that is the first law of nature. + ― Voltaire +% +What is vice today may be virtue tomorrow. +% +What is virtue today may be vice tomorrow. +% +What is worth doing is worth delegating. +% +What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. +% +What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing +to compare it with. +% +What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. It's +corporate feminism ― a brand of feminism designed to sell books and +magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes and, most +important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, women were +discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate mistake has been +remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige and power by dint of +individual rather than collective effort." + ― Susan Gordon +% +What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? + ― Ursula K. LeGuin +% +What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency? +% +What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. +% +What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. +% +What this calls for is a special blend of psychology and extreme violence. + ― Vyvyan Basterd, "The Young Ones" +% +What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon. +% +What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! +% +What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. +% +What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. +% +What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? + ― Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" +% +What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens. + ― Bengamin Disraeli +% +What we do not understand we do not possess. + ― Goethe +% +What's so funny 'bout peace, love and understanding? +% +What, me worry? +% +What boots it at one gate to make defence, +And at another to let in the foe? + ― John Milton, Samson Agonistes (l. 560) +% +Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down. + ― Collis P. Huntingdon +% +When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young +ladies, and, of course, the goat. +% +When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve +it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality. + ― Al Capone +% +When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now +I'm beginning to believe it. + ― Clarence Darrow +% +When I was in my twenties, not shaving for a few days gave me a cool Don +Johnson/Miami Vice look. Now that I'm in my forties, though, it tends to +make me look more like Otis from Mayberry. + ― Tom Gray +% +When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into +the soul of the boy sitting next to me. + ― Woody Allen +% +When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. +% +When Yahweh your gods has settled you in the land you're about to occupy, and +driven out many infidels before you...you're to cut them down and exterminate +them. You're to make no compromise with them or show them any mercy. +[Deut. 7:1 (KJV)] +% +When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him ― that's where the +money is. + ― Robespierre +% +When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the +thing," it's the money. + ― Kim Hubbard +% +When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop? +% +When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is +not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space +travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. + ― Robert Heinlein +% +When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the +sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain +relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. + ― Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" +% +When all other means of communication fail, try words. +% +When asked, "If you find so much that is unworthy of reverence in the United +States, then why do you live here?" Mencken replied, "Why do men go to zoos?" +% +When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, +an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle. + ― Edmund Burke +% +When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried +before. + ― Mae West +% +When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I +think it was a Tuesday. +% +When everything has been seen to work, all integrated, you have four more +months of work to do. + ― C. Portman of ICL Ltd. +% +When in doubt, do what the President does ― guess. +% +When in doubt, lead trump. +% +When in doubt, punt. +% +When in doubt, use brute force. + ― Ken Thompson +% +When love is gone, there's always justice. +And when justice is gone, there's always force. +And when force is gone, there's always Mom. +Hi, Mom! + ― Laurie Anderson +% +When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. + ― Calvin Coolidge +% +When people thought the earth was flat, they were wrong. When people thought +the earth was spherical, they were wrong. But if you think that thinking the +earth is spherical is just as wrong as thinking the earth is flat, then your +view is wronger than both of them put together. + ― Isaac Asimov, "The Relativity of Wrong", + The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 14 No. 1, Fall 1989 +% +When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only +say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. + ― Alan J. Perlis +% +When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you +modify the problem, not the remedy. +% +When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it. +% +When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most +insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are +required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and +exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. + ― George Bernard Shaw +% +When we are ignorant of the answer to an important question, one way +to proceed is to ask which path of inquiry promises best to facilitate +learning. + ― Timothy Ferris, "The Mind's Sky: Human Intelligence in a + Cosmic Context." +% +When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is +not hereditary. + ― Thomas Paine +% +When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find +anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, +two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the +history of war have so few been led by so many. + ― General James Gavin +% +When you are alone you are all your own. + ― Leonardo da Vinci +% +When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. +% +When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. +% +When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. + ― Harry S Truman +% +When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. + ― The Wall Street Journal +% +Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". + ― Dave Parnas +% +Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. + ― Oscar Wilde +% +Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried + ― Thomas Jefferson +% +Where humor is concerned there are no standards ― no one can say what +is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. + ― John Kenneth Galbraith +% +Where is it written in the Constitution that you may take children from their +parents, and parents from their children, and compel them to fight the battles +of any war in which the folly or wickedness of government may engage it? + ― Daniel Webster, 1814 +% +Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. +% +Wherever you go, there you are. + ― Buckaroo Banzai +% +Whether you can hear it or not +The Universe is laughing behind your back + ― National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" +% +While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, +The fate of empires and the fall of kings; +While quacks of State must each produce his plan, +And even children lisp the Rights of Man; +Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, +The Rights of Woman merit some attention. + ― Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", + November 26, 1792 +% +While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is +admission to someone else. +% +While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own +form of misery. +% +While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their correctness never +does. +% +While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very reassuring to +know that it's still there. +% +Whipit! Whipit good! +% +Whistler's Law: + You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. +% +Who has more leisure than a worm? + - Seneca +% +Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? +% +Who made the world I cannot tell; +'Tis made, and here am I in hell. +My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, +I never soiled with such a deed. + ― A. E. Housman +% +Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and masturbate? +% +Who works achieves and who sows reaps. + ― Arab Proverb +% +Who's on first? +% +Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. +% +Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein. + ― Book of Proverbs +% +Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to +avoid responsibility with? +% +Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently +there must be a beverage. + ― Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" +% +Why does opportunity always knock at the least opportune moment? +% +Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that +happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told +it to the same person? + ― La Rochefoucauld +% +Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? + ― G. Gordon Liddy +% +Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards? +% +Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? + ― Lily Tomlin +% +Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some. +% +Wiker's Law: + Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. +% +Will the highways on the Internet become more few? + ― George W. Bush, Concord, NH; January 29, 2000 +% +Williams and Holland's Law: + If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by + statistical methods. +% +Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as +it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. +% +With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once +build a nuclear balm? +% +With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. +% +With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand +miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and +still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no +such thing as progress. + ― Ransom K. Ferm +% +With friends like these, who need hallucinations? +% +With great effort, you move the rug aside, revealing a trap door. +% +Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in +the way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere +as an indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no +less important to him than his table or his white robe. + ― Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac +% +Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. +% +Words are the voice of the heart. +% +Words must be weighed, not counted. +% +Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. +This is also the worst vegetable of next year. + ― Steve Rubenstein +% +Wozencraft's Law: If you make all of your plans on the assumption that a +particular thing won't happen―it will. +% +Writing code has a place in the human hierarchy worth somewhere above grave +robbing and beneath managing. + ― Gerald Weinberg +% +Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. +% +Writing in C or C++ is like running a chain saw with all the safety guards +removed. + ― Bob Gray +% +Writing programs needs genius to save the last order or the last millisecond. +It is great fun, but it is a young man's game. You start it with great +enthusiasm when you first start programming, but after ten years you get a +bit bored with it, and then you turn to automatic-programming languages and +use them because they enable you to get to the heart of the problem that you +want to do, instead of having to concentrate on the mechanics of getting the +program going as fast as you possibly can, which is really nothing more than +doing a sort of crossword puzzle. + ― Christopher Strachey, 1962 +% +Xerox does it again and again and again and ... +% +Xerox never comes up with anything original. +% +XML is just data with that Internet shit wrapped around it. + ― Joe Romello, by way of Steve Sapovits +% +Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. +% +Yes, but which self do you want to be? +% +Yes, many primitive people still believe this myth...But in today's technical +vastness of the future, we can guess that surely things were much different. + ― The Firesign Theater +% +Yes, we have no bonanzas. +% +Yesterday upon the stair +I met a man who wasn't there. +He wasn't there again today ― +I think he's from the CIA. +% +Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. + ― Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" +% +Yinkel, n.: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one +will notice. + ― Rich Hall, "Sniglets" +% +You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word. + ― Al Capone +% +You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. +% +You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on +the continuing viability of FORTRAN. + ― Alan Perlis +% +You can never get all the facts from just one newspaper, and unless you +have all the facts, you cannot make proper judgements about what is going on. + ― Harry S Truman +% +You can observe a lot just by watching. + ― Yogi Berra +% +You can often profit from being at a loss for words. + ― Frank Tyger +% +You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding +decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left +over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. + ― F. Allen +% +You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of +supercomputers. + ― Steven Feiner +% +You can't antagonize and influence at the same time. +% +You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. +% +You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. +% +You can't get there from here. +% +You can't have great software without a great team, and most software teams +behave like dysfunctional families. + ― Jim McCarthy +% +You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. +% +You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic +enough worrying about what's happening now. + ― Lauren Bacall +% +You can't teach self-esteem. Self-esteem arises from attempting challenging +tasks and mastering them. +% +You can't underestimate the power of fear. + ― Tricia Nixon +% +You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. +% +You cannot build a reputation on what you are going to do. + ― Henry Ford +% +You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. +% +You cannot succeed by criticizing others. +% +You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. + ― Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict +% +You don't have to explain something you never said. + ― Calvin Coolidge +% +You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. + ― J. D. Salinger +% +You know, you really half give me a buzz. + ― Stevie Ray Vaughan, "Honey Bee" (from "Couldn't Stand the Weather") +% +You know why there are so few sophisticated computer terrorists in the United +States? Because your hackers have so much mobility into the establishment. +Here, there is no such mobility. If you have the slightest bit of +intellectual integrity you cannot support the government.... That's why the +best computer minds belong to the opposition. + ― an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity +% +You may call me by my name, Wirth, or by my value, Worth. + ― Nicklaus Wirth +% +You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. + ― Alfred Kahn +% +You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach. +% +You never finish a program, you just stop working on it. +% +You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. +I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but +we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. + ― J. Wellington Wells +% +You see but you do not observe. + ― Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, in "The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes" +% +You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially +if they are dead. +% +You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for +freedom and liberty. + ― Henrick Ibson +% +You're never too old to become younger. + ― Mae West +% +Your attitude determines your attitude. + ― Zig Ziglar, self-improvement doofus +% +Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you +from enjoying it. +% +Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true. +% +Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries. +% +Your reality is lies and balderdash, and I'm glad to say that I have no grasp +of it. + ― Baron von Munchausen +% +Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. +% +Youth is the trustee of posterity. +% +Youth is wasted on the young. + ― George Bernard Shaw +% +Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is +when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. +% +Zero Defects, n.: The result of shutting down a production line. +% +Zimmerman's Law of Complaints: Nobody notices when things go right. +% +Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words +since I first called my brother's father dad. + ― William Shakespeare, "King John" +% +Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: + People are always available for work in the past tense. +% +[In the U. S. Army] An officer does not take an oath of loyalty to the +Commander-in-Chief. He takes an oath of loyalty to the Constitution. + ― Sam Donaldson +% +[Leslie Stahl was] a pussy compared to Rather. + ― George H. W. Bush +% +grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines. +% +After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. + ― H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare +% +All successful newspapers are ceaselessly querulous and bellicose. They +never defend anyone or anything if they can help it; if the job is forced +upon them, they tackle it by denouncing someone or something else. + ― H.L. Mencken, Prejudices, 1919. +% +A man who can laugh, if only at himself, is never really miserable. + ― H.L. Mencken, Minority Report, 1956 +% +College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the +faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the +trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and +necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity. + ― H. L. Mencken +% +Conscience is the inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking. + ― H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae," The Vintage Mencken, 1955. +% +Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by +Jackasses. + ― H. L. Mencken +% +Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. + ― H. L. Mencken +% +Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the +black flag, and begin slitting throats. + ― H.L. Mencken +% +Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the +improbable. + ― H. L. Mencken +% +Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a +well-known solution to every human problem neat, plausible, and wrong. + ― H. L. Mencken, "The Divine Afflatus" (16 November 1917) +% +Equality before the law is probably forever inattainable. It is a noble +ideal, but it can never be realized, for what men value in this world is +not rights but privileges. + ― H.L. Mencken, Minority Report, 1956 +% +Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the +improbable. + ― H.L. Mencken, "Prejudices: Third Series", 1922 +% +For one American husband who maintains a chorus girl in Levantine luxury +around the corner, there are hundreds who are as true to their oaths, year +in and year out, as so many convicts in the deathhouse. + ― H.L. Mencken, In Defense of Women, 1922. +% +I believe that religion, generally speaking, has been a curse to mankind―that +its modest and greatly overestimated services on the ethical side have been +more than overborne by the damage it has done to clear and honest thinking. + ― H. L. Mencken, "Forum" (September, 1930) +% +I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. + ― H. L. Mencken +% +Judge: a law student who marks his own examination papers. + ― H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae," The Vintage Mencken, 1955 +% +Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. + ― attributed to H. L. Mencken +% +Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry +later. For another thing, they die earlier. + ― H.L. Mencken, A Mencken Chrestomathy, 1949. +% +My guess is that well over eighty per cent of the human race goes through +life without ever having a single original thought. That is to say, they +never think anything that has not been thought before, and by thousands. A +society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought +would probably be unendurable. The pressure of ideas would simply drive it +frantic. + ― H.L. Mencken, Minority Report, 1956 +% +Never let your inferiors do you a favor. It will be extremely costly. + ― H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae," The Vintage Mencken, 1955. +% +No government is ever really in favor of so-called civil rights. It always +tries to whittle them down. They are preserved under all governments, +insofar as they survive at all, by special classes of fanatics, often +highly dubious. + ― H.L. Mencken, Minority Report, 1956 +% +No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. + ― Attributed to H.L. Mencken. +% +Nowhere in the world is superiority more easily attained, or more eagerly +admitted. The chief business of the nation, as a nation, is the setting up +of heroes, mainly bogus. + ― H.L. Mencken, Prejudices, 1923. +% +Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his +roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the +forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind +the railroad yards. + ― H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, + counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution + law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925. +% +Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to +the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. + ― H. L. Mencken +% +Sin is a dangerous toy in the hands of the virtuous. It should be left to the +congenitally sinful, who know when to play with it and when to let it alone. + ― H. L. Mencken +% +Suppose two-thirds of the members of the national House of Representatives +were dumped into the Washington garbage incinerator tomorrow, what would we +lose to offset our gain of their salaries and the salaries of their parasites? + ― H. L. Mencken, "Prejudices, Fourth Series" (1924) +% +The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater +than that of any other animal. + ― H. L. Mencken +% +The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof +that God is a bore. + ― H.L. Mencken, "The Aesthetic Recoil," American Mercury, July, 1931. +% +The great artists of the world are never Puritans, and seldom even +ordinarily respectable. No virtuous man―that is, virtuous in the YMCA +sense―has ever painted a picture worth looking at, or written a symphony +worth hearing, or a book worth reading, and it is highly improbable that +the thing has ever been done by a virtuous woman. + ― H.L. Mencken, Prejudices, 1919. +% +The highfalutin aims of democracy, whether real or imaginary, are always +assumed to be identical with its achievements. This, of course, is sheer +hallucination. Not one of those aims, not even the aim of giving every +adult a vote, has been realized. It has no more made men wise and free than +Christianity has made them good. + ― H.L. Mencken, Minority Report, 1956 +% +The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not +true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. + ― H.L. Mencken, A Mencken Chrestomathy, 1949. +% +The notion that science does not concern itself with first causes ― that +it leaves the field to theology or metaphysics, and confines itself to mere +effects ― this notion has no support in the plain facts. If it could, +science would explain the origin of life on earth at once ― and there is +every reason to believe that it will do so on some not too remote tomorrow. +To argue that gaps in knowledge which will confront the seeker must be +filled, not by patient inquiry, but by intuition or revelation, is simply +to give ignorance a gratuitous and preposterous dignity.... + ― H. L. Mencken, 1930 +% +The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear―fear of the unknown, +the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants beyond everything else is safety. + ― H.L. Mencken, Prejudices, 1920. +% +The truth is that Christian theology, like every other theology, is not only +opposed to the scientific spirit; it is also opposed to all other attempts +at rational thinking. Not by accident does Genesis 3 make the father of +knowledge a serpent ― slimy, sneaking and abominable. Since the earliest +days the church as an organization has thrown itself violently against every +effort to liberate the body and mind of man. It has been, at all times and +everywhere, the habitual and incorrigible defender of bad governments, bad +laws, bad social theories, bad institutions. It was, for centuries, an +apologist for slavery, as it was the apologist for the divine right of kings. + ― H. L. Mencken +% +The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence +clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of +hobgoblins, all of them imaginary. + ― H. L. Mencken +% +There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, +however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. +Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be +discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator on +his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is even +highly probable. + ― H. L. Mencken, 1930 +% +To sum up: 1. The cosmos is a gigantic fly-wheel making 10,000 revolutions +a minute. 2. Man is a sick fly taking a dizzy ride on it. 3. Religion is the +theory that the wheel was designed and set spinning to give him the ride. + ― H. L. Mencken, Coda from "Smart Set", 1920 +% +When women kiss it always reminds one of prize-fighters shaking hands. + ― H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae," The Vintage Mencken, 1955. +% +When A annoys or injures B on the pretense of saving or improving X, A is a +scoundrel. + ― H. L. Mencken, "Newspaper Days: 1899-1906" (1941) +% +Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country it is a sign that +he expects to be paid for it. + ― H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae," The Vintage Mencken, 1955. +% +From Fronto I learned to observe what envy, and duplicity, and hypocrisy are +in a tyrant, and that generally those among us who are called Patricians are +rather deficient in paternal affection. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book I +% +The time of a man's life is as a point; the substance of it ever flowing, the +sense obscure; and the whole composition of the body tending to corruption. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book II +% +That [life] which is longest of duration, and that which is shortest, both +come to one effect. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book II +% +You must, therefore, hasten, not only because you are every day nearer to +death, but also because your intellect, which enables you to know the true +nature of things and to order all your actions by that knowledge, wastes and +decays daily―or, may fail you before you die. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book II +% +Never esteem of anything as profitable, which shell ever constrain thee to +break thy faith, or to lose thy modestroy; to hate any man, to suspect to +curse, to dissemble, to lust after anything, that requireth the secret of +walls or veils. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book III +% +He who prefers, before all things, his rational part and spirit... he shall +never lament and exclaim; never sigh; he shall never want either solitude +or company; and, which is chiefest of all, he shall live without either +desire or fear. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book III +% +Let no act be done without a purpose, nor otherwise than according to the +perfect principles of art. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book IV +% +Take away your opinion, and you then take away the complaint, "I have been +harmed." Take away the complaint, "I have been harmed," and the harm is taken +away. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book IV +% +Many grains of frankincense on the same altar: one falls before, another falls +after; but it makes no difference. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book IV +% +Do not act as if you were going to live ten thousand years. Death hangs over +you. While you live, while it is in your power, be good. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book IV +% +How much trouble he avoids who does not look to see what his neighbour says or +does or thinks, but only to what he does himself, that it may be just and pure. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book IV +% +Everything which is in any way beautiful is beautiful in itself, and +terminates in itself, not having praise as part of itself. Neither worse, +then, nor better is a thing made by being praised. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book IV +% +The words which were formerly familiar are now antiquated: so also the names +of those who were famed of old, are now in a manner antiquated... For all +things soon pass away and become a mere tale, and complete oblivion soon +buries them. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book IV +% +Everything is only for a day, both that which remembers and that which is +remembered. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book IV +% +Thou art a little soul bearing about a corpse, as Epictetus used to say. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book IV +% +Time is like a river made up of the events which happen, and a violent stream; +for as soon as a thing has been seen, it is carried away, and another comes in +its place, and this will be carried away too. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book IV +% +Be like the promontory against which the waves continually break, but it +stands firm and tames the fury of the water around it. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book IV +% +How easy it is to repel and to wipe away every impression which is troublesome +or unsuitable, and immediately to be in all tranquility. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book V +% +To seek what is impossible is madness: and it is impossible that the bad +should not do something of this kind. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book V +% +The best way of avenging yourself is not to become like the wrong-doer. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book VI +% +If any man is able to convince me and show me that I do not think or act +right, I will gladly change; for I seek the truth by which no man was ever +injured. But he is injured who abides in his error and ignorance. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book VI +% +Let not future things disturb you, for you will come to them, if it shall be +necessary, having with you the same reason which you now use for present +things. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book VII +% +Receive wealth or prosperity without arrogance; and be ready to let it go. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book VIII +% +He often acts unjustly who does not do a certain thing; not only he who does a +certain thing. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book IX +% +It is your duty to leave another man's wrongful act there, where it is. + ― Marcus Aurelius, "The Meditations", Book IX +% +America is a ball of Appalachia with a thin coating of civility. + ― Rich Simons +% +American justice is measured by the amount of money you are willing to risk +to make your point. + ― Rich Simons +% +America has become a tired old whore, selling her institutions like back alley +blowjobs to fat cat businessmen for their pocket change. + ― Rich Simons +% +But in the end I remind myself that people are merely shaved apes, and +pretty much spend their time masturbating and throwing feces. + ― Rich Simons +% +I am waiting for the "Internet Beermeister," so hackers can wage a +"Denial of Cerveza" attack. + ― Rich Simons +% +Money doesn't stretch―if somebody makes a killing, somebody else loses +his shirt. + ― Rich Simons +% +Never work anywhere where you can't find the guy in charge and break his nose. + ― Rich Simons +% +Nothing is more dangerous than a man whose actions are the responsibility +of his deity. + ― Rich Simons +% +Some people hold their noses when used as toilet paper by the shadowy +overlords; some people inhale the heady aroma with gusto. + ― Rich Simons +% +Those who sacrifice liberty for the sake of safety deserve neither, but those +who sacrifice creativity for safety end up with a velvet painting of Elvis. + ― Rich Simons +% +Windows is a manifestation of commerce; Unix is a manifestation of culture. + ― Rich Simons +% +Working in Windows is like baking moose shit pie. Sure, you're baking pies, but +look what's in 'em. + ― Rich Simons +% +I prefer the company of men without ovaries. + ― Rich Simons +% +The American business executive resembles the Ferengi more each day. In another +20 years, there will be dorm rooms full of toothless hillbillies at the Amazon +fulfillment centers and the Walmarts. + ― Rich Simons +% +Be cautious of those who give you advice. That's my advice to you. + ― Steve Mayr +% +If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Sounds like a plan. + ― Steve Mayr +% +If you take the easy way out, nothing will come easy. + ― Steve Mayr +% +By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. + ― George Carlin +% +Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child +whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor +scholastic achievements on the back of our car." + ― George Carlin +% +Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, +by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. + ― George Carlin +% +I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who +believe it. + ― George Carlin +% +I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that +these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them +together is certain death. + ― George Carlin +% +I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and +cross it deliberately. + ― George Carlin +% +If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say +the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. + ― George Carlin +% +If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would've made our arms shorter. + ― George Carlin +% +If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed. + ― George Carlin +% +Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you +Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to +"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were +praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. + ― George Carlin +% +The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone +said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, +but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." + ― George Carlin +% +There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. + ― George Carlin +% +American justice is measured by the amount of money you are willing to risk +to make your point. + ― Rich Simons +% +America has become a tired old whore, selling her institutions like back alley +blowjobs to fat cat businessmen for their pocket change. + ― Rich Simons +% +But in the end I remind myself that people are merely shaved apes, and +pretty much spend their time masturbating and throwing feces. + ― Rich Simons +% +Anybody who wants religion is welcome to it, as far as I'm concerned ― I +support your right to enjoy it. However, I would appreciate it if you +exhibited more respect for the rights of those people who do not wish to +share your dogma, rapture or necrodestination. + ― Frank Zappa, "The Real Frank Zappa Book" +% +Don't eat yellow snow. + ― Frank Zappa +% +Hey, you know something, people? I'm not black, but there's a whole lot of +times I wish I could say I'm not white. + ― Frank Zappa +% +I never set out to be weird. It was always other people who called me weird. + ― Frank Zappa +% +I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else +that has ever happened, and vice versa. + ― Frank Zappa +% +If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your +mother, your Dad, your priest, to some guy on television, to any of the +people telling you how to do your shit, then you *deserve* it. If you +want to be a schmuck, be a schmuck ― but don't wait around for respect +from other people ― a schmuck is a schmuck. + ― Frank Zappa, "The Real Frank Zappa Book" +% +In the future, etiquette will become more and more important. That doesn't +mean knowing which fork to pick up ― I mean basic consideration for the +rights of other animals (human beings included) and the willingness, +whenever practical, to tolerate the other guy's idiosyncrasies. + ― Frank Zappa, "The Real Frank Zappa Book" +% +Is that a real poncho? I mean, is that a Mexican poncho or a Sears poncho? +Hmmm... No fooling. + ― Frank Zappa, "Camarillo Brillo" +% +Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. + ― Frank Zappa +% +Modern Americans behave as if intelligence were some sort of hideous deformity. + ― Frank Zappa +% +Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't +talk for the people who can't read. + ― Frank Zappa +% +My best advice to anyone who wants to raise a happy, mentally healthy child +is: Keep him or her as far away from a church as you can. + ― Frank Zappa +% +Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom; +Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love; +Love is not music; Music is the best. + ― Frank Zappa +% +Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. + ― Frank Zappa +% +Take the Kama Sutra. How many people died from the Kama Sutra as opposed to +the Bible? Who wins? + ― Frank Zappa +% +The bassoon is one of my favorite instruments. It has a medieval aroma, +like the days when everything used to sound like that. Some people crave +baseball...I find this unfathomable, but I can easily understand why a +person could get excited about playing the bassoon. + ― Frank Zappa +% +The Book says BURN and DESTROY repent and redeem and revenge and deploy and +rumble thee forth to the land of the unbelieving scum 'cause they don't go +for what's in the Book and that makes 'em BAD. + ― Frank Zappa +% +The computer can't tell you the emotional story. It can give you the exact +mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows. + ― Frank Zappa +% +The essence of Christianity is told to us in the Garden of Eden history. +The fruit that was forbidden was on the Tree of Knowledge. The subtext is, +"All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was +going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your +fucking mouth shut and hadn't asked any questions." + ― Frank Zappa +% +There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer +shelf life. + ― Frank Zappa +% +There is no such thing as a dirty word. Nor is there a word so powerful, +that it's going to send the listener to the lake of fire upon hearing it. + ― Frank Zappa +% +Our brains have just one scale, and we resize our experiences to fit. + ― Randall Munroe, xkcd +% +There's no such thing as bad language. I don't believe that any more. That's +ridiculous. They call it a "debasing of the language?" No! We are adults. +These are the words that WE use, to express frustration, rage, anger―in +order that we don't pick up a tire iron and beat the shit out of someone. + ― Lewis Black +% +I don't know if you noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit +looking in the mirror at itself. + ― Lewis Black +% +There is a big difference between the Old Testament and the New Testament, +and that is, the New Testament God is kind of a great guy (He is!), especially +when you compare him to the Old Testament God, who is a prick. + ― Lewis Black +% +The reason you should go to Las Vegas is because, for only the second time, +the second time, ever, they have rebuilt Sodom and Gomorrah. It's back!! +And you have the opportunity to see it before it turns to salt. And you +wanna get out there before the Christian Right finds out what we're up to +and shits all over it. + ― Lewis Black +% +[The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll +repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were +worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our +countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than +that... unless you're in a goddamn coma. That means you're saying, "I'd go +to the window, but it's too far." If you want to know what the weather is +you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the +temperature is you drive by a bank. + ― Lewis Black +% +There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. But they couldn't sell +soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say soy juice, +you actually... start to gag. + ― Lewis Black +% +You don't want another Enron? Here's the law: If you have a company, and it +can't explain, in one sentence... what it does... it's illegal! + ― Lewis Black +% +The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the +Republicans are completely worthless. + ― Lewis Black +% +If mzero doesn't need to be a single, unambiguous value, then the algebra +of monads would seem to be a bit hinky. + ― A tweet from @djspiewak (Daniel J. Spiewak) +% +A monad is just a monoid in the category of endofunctors, what's the problem? + ― Saunders Mac Lane, filtered through James Iry +% +Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance. + ― Confucius +% +Rotten wood cannot be carved. + ― Confucius (Analects, Book 5, Chapter 9) +% +Men's natures are alike. It is their habits that carry them far apart. + ― Confucius +% +Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do. + ― Confucius +% +It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop. + ― Confucius +% +We like to think we spend most of our time power-typing. "I'm being productive, +I'm writing programs!" But, we don't. We spend most of our time looking into +the abyss, saying, "My God, what have I done?" + ― Douglas Crockford, during his keynote at YUIConf 2011 +% +"That hardly ever happens" is another way of saying, "It happens". + ― Douglas Crockford, during his keynote at YUIConf 2011 +% +I used to think everyone should learn programming. When I first starting +programming...I thought, "Wow, this is such an amazing way to organize +information! Everybody should learn to do this!" I don't think that any more. I +think there has to be something seriously wrong with you, in order to do this +work. A normal person, once they've looked into the abyss, will say, "I'm done. +This is stupid. I'm going to go to something else." But not us, 'cause there's +something really wrong with us. + ― Douglas Crockford, during his keynote at YUIConf 2011 +% +Confusion must be avoided. Confusion is the enemy. Confusion is what causes +bugs and security mishaps and all the other things that make us miserable. + ― Douglas Crockford, during his keynote at YUIConf 2011 +% +Write [code] in a way that clearly communicates your intent. + ― Douglas Crockford, during his keynote at YUIConf 2011 +% +Geriatric Relativity: The observation that time goes faster the older you get. + ― Brian M. Clapper +% +Critical thinking is the antidote to gullibility and credulity, which explains +why politicians aren't fond of critical thinking. + ― Brian M. Clapper +% +There's a certain freedom in being so tired that you just can't possibly do +another thing. + ― Brian M. Clapper +% +The president of the United States has claimed, on more than one occasion, to +be in dialogue with God. If he said that he was talking to God through his +hairdryer, this would precipitate a national emergency. I fail to see how the +addition of a hairdryer makes the claim more ridiculous or offensive. + ― Sam Harris, Letter to a Christian Nation +% +Man is manifestly not the measure of all things. This universe is shot through +with mystery. The very fact of its being, and of our own, is a mystery +absolute, and the only miracle worthy of the name. + ― Sam Harris, "The End of Faith" +% +What is so unnerving about the candidacy of Sarah Palin is the degree to which +she representsand her supporters celebratethe joyful marriage of confidence +and ignorance . . . Ask yourself: how has "elitism" become a bad word in +American politics? There is simply no other walk of life in which extraordinary +talent and rigorous training are denigrated. We want elite pilots to fly our +planes, elite troops to undertake our most critical missions, elite athletes to +represent us in competition and elite scientists to devote the most productive +years of their lives to curing our diseases. And yet, when it comes time to +vest people with even greater responsibilities, we consider it a virtue to shun +any and all standards of excellence. When it comes to choosing the people whose +thoughts and actions will decide the fates of millions, then we suddenly want +someone just like us, someone fit to have a beer with, someone down-to-earthin +fact, almost anyone, provided that he or she doesn't seem too intelligent or +well educated. + ― Sam Harris +% +Unreason is now ascendant in the United Statesin our schools, in our courts, +and in each branch of the federal government. + ― Sam Harris, "The Politics of Ignorance" (2005) +% +The point at which we fully acquire our humanity, and our capacity to suffer, +remains an open question, but anyone who would dogmatically insist that these +traits must arise coincident with the moment of conception has nothing to +contribute, apart from his ignorance, to this debate. + ― Sam Harris +% +Water is two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen. This seems as value-free an +utterance as human beings ever make. But what do we do when someone doubts the +truth of this proposition? Ok, all we can do is appeal to scientific values. +The value of understanding the world. The value of evidence. The value of +logical consistency. What if someone says, “Well, that’s not how I choose to +think about water. Ok, what can we say to such a person? Ok, all we can do is +appeal to scientific values. And if he doesn’t share those values, the +conversation is over. Ok, if someone doesn’t value evidence, what evidence are +you going to provide to prove that they should value it? If someone doesn’t +value logic, what logical argument could you provide to show the importance of +logic? + ― Sam Harris, during a Notre Dame debate with William Lane Craig +% +I love living in the future. ― Bill Cheswick +% +Sendmail(8) proved that if you polish a turd long enough, you may eventually +end up with a shiny coprolite. + ― Bill Cheswick +% +Salad is what food eats. ― Bill Cheswick +% +Angels we have heard on High/Tell us to go out and Buy. + ― Tom Lehrer +% +The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. +Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed +and color, but also on ability. + ― Tom Lehrer +% +If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something +nasty to a friend, or perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been +worth the while. + ― Tom Lehrer +% +I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out +what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise +George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporize them. + ― Tom Lehrer (2003) +% +I basically like "comments," though they can seem a little jarring: spit- +flecked rants that are appended to a product that at least tries for a measure +of objectivity and dignity. It's as though when you order a sirloin steak, it +comes with a side of maggots. + ― Gene Weingarten, Pulitzer Prize-winning Washington Post columnist +% +I disagree with those who suggest that we permanently close down the U.S. mail +on the grounds that it can kill you. That is sheer hysteria. I think we should +permanently close down the U.S. mail on the grounds that it has been making us +sick for quite a while. + ― Gene Weingarten, Pulitzer Prize-winning Washington Post columnist +% +Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no +account be allowed to do the job. + ― Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B +very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People +living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder +what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to +get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A +are so keen to get THERE. They often wish that people would just once and for +all work out where the hell they wanted to be. + ― Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western +Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a +distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant +little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly +primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ... + ― Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures from Alpha +Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. Spirits were +brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split before. Thus was the +Empire forged. + ― "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams +% +Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big +it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, +but that's just peanuts to space. + ― "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in almost +fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have attempted to +explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in silly puns about +"standing erect". + ― Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the +Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced +by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which +states that this has already happened. + ― Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +With a rubber duck, one's never alone. + ― "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it. + ― Madeleine L'Engle +% +That's the way things come clear. All of a sudden. And then you realize how +obvious they've been all along. + ― Madeleine L'Engle +% +When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no +longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive +is to be vulnerable. + ― Madeleine L'Engle +% +Because you're not what I would have you be, I blind myself to who, in truth, +you are. + ― Madeleine L'Engle +% +A good photograph is knowing where to stand. + ― Ansel Adams +% +A photograph is usually looked at - seldom looked into. + ― Ansel Adams +% +A true photograph need not be explained, nor can it be contained in words. + ― Ansel Adams +% +Dodging and burning are steps to take care of mistakes God made in +establishing tonal relationships. + ― Ansel Adams +% +In wisdom gathered over time I have found that every experience is a form of +exploration. + ― Ansel Adams +% +These people live again in print as intensely as when their images were +captured on old dry plates of sixty years ago... I am walking in their alleys, +standing in their rooms and sheds and workshops, looking in and out of their +windows. Any they in turn seem to be aware of me. + ― Ansel Adams +% +When I'm ready to make a photograph, I think I quite obviously see in my minds +eye something that is not literally there in the true meaning of the word. I'm +interested in something which is built up from within, rather than just +extracted from without. + ― Ansel Adams +When in doubt, tell the truth. + ― Mark Twain +% +A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining +and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. + ― Mark Twain +% +A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody +wants to read. + ― Mark Twain +% +[He was] a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he +was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. + ― Mark Twain +% +Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. + ― Mark Twain +% +Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you +nothing. It was here first. + ― Mark Twain +% +God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. + ― Mark Twain +% +I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a +week sometimes to make it up. + ― Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" +% +I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I +didn't know. + ― Mark Twain +% +If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite +you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. + ― Mark Twain +% +It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: +freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. + ― Mark Twain +% +It is the difference of opinion that makes horse races. + ― Mark Twain +% +It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. + ― Mark Twain +% +Man is the only animal that blushes ― or needs to. + ― Mark Twain +% +My father was an amazing man. The older I got, the smarter he got. + ― Mark Twain +% +The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. + ― Mark Twain +% +It could probably be shown, by facts and figures, that there is no distinctly +native criminal class except Congress. + ― Mark Twain +% +There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. + ― Mark Twain +% +There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale +returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. + ― Mark Twain +% +They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell +better than they pronounce. + ― Mark Twain +% +Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. + ― Mark Twain +% +Wagner's music is better than it sounds. + ― Mark Twain +% +When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; +but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any +but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we +all have to do it. + ― Mark Twain +% +Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you +are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of the Atlantic +with his verb in his mouth. + ― Mark Twain in "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" +% +Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time +to reform. + ― Mark Twain in "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" +% +Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is +because we are not the person involved. + ― Mark Twain +% +He is now rising from affluence to poverty. + ― Mark Twain +% +A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds. + ― Mark Twain +% +A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar. + ― Mark Twain +% +Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. + ― Mark Twain +% +But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common +humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? + ― Mark Twain +% +Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. + ― Mark Twain +% +Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any +other way you can manage it. + ― Mark Twain +% +I can live for two months on a good compliment. + ― Mark Twain +% +If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes +there ten years later. + ― Mark Twain +% +Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins. + ― Mark Twain +% +Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is +hollering about. + ― Mark Twain +% +Prosperity is the best protector of principle. + ― Mark Twain +% +Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I +repeat myself. + ― Mark Twain +% +The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. + ― Mark Twain +% +There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and +people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded. + ― Mark Twain +% +To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no +trouble. + ― Mark Twain +% +It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly +native American criminal class except Congress. + ― Mark Twain +% +To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence. + ― Mark Twain +% +Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that +it ain't so. + ― Mark Twain +% +We have the best government that money can buy. + ― Mark Twain +% +When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. + ― Mark Twain +% +When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart +no man much respects himself. + ― Mark Twain +% +When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands +explained. + ― Mark Twain +% +Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and +reflect. + ― Mark Twain +% +Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived +to have any relation. + ― Mark Twain +% +[Silvio Berlusconi] is so thoroughly corrupt, every time he smiles, an +angel gets gonorrhea. + ― Dylan Moran +% +[Adulthood] feels like ... walking around in a desert, with a bag over +your head, bumping into people who rob you as they bore you. + ― Dylan Moran +% +Tequila isn't even a drink. It's just a way of getting the police round, +without using the phone. + ― Dylan Moran +% +I basically think I'm what would've happened if James Dean had lived, +and discovered carbohydrates and orthopedic shoes. + ― Dylan Moran +% +When did ignorance become a point of view? + ― Dilbert (Scott Adams) +% +There's no kill switch on awesome. + ― Dilbert (Scott Adams) +% +You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You +don't wanna know about it, believe me. + ― Walter to The Dude ("The Big Lebowski") +% +Hey, careful, man, there's a beverage here! + ― The Dude ("The Big Lebowski") +% +"The Dude abides." I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good +knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I +sure hope he makes the finals. + ― The Stranger ("The Big Lebowski") +% +We’ve bought into the idea that education is about training and +"success", defined monetarily, rather than learning to think critically +and to challenge. We should not forget that the true purpose of education +is to make minds, not careers. A culture that does not grasp the vital +interplay between morality and power, which mistakes management techniques +for wisdom, which fails to understand that the measure of a civilization +is its compassion, not its speed or ability to consume, condemns itself +to death. + ― Chris Hedges, "Empire of Illusion: The End of Literacy and the + Triumph of Spectacle" +% +Inverted totalitarianism, unlike classical totalitarianism, does not +revolve around a demagogue or charismatic leader. It finds expression in +the anonymity of the Corporate State. It purports to cherish democracy, +patriotism, and the Constitution while manipulating internal levers. + ― Chris Hedges, "Empire of Illusion: The End of Literacy and the + Triumph of Spectacle" +% +Washington has become our Versailles. We are ruled, entertained, +and informed by courtiers―and the media has evolved into a class of +courtiers. The Democrats, like the Republicans, are mostly courtiers. Our +pundits and experts, at least those with prominent public platforms, +are courtiers. We are captivated by the hollow stagecraft of political +theater as we are ruthlessly stripped of power. It is smoke and mirrors, +tricks and con games, and the purpose behind it is deception. + ― Chris Hedges, "Empire of Illusion: The End of Literacy and the + Triumph of Spectacle" +% +The split in America, rather than simply economic, is between those who +embrace reason, who function in the real world of cause and effect, and those +who, numbed by isolation and despair, now seek meaning in a mythical world +of intuition, a world that is no longer reality-based, a world of magic. + ― Chris Hedges, American Fascists: The Christian Right and the War + On America +% +Hope has a cost. Hope is not comfortable or easy. Hope requires personal +risk. It is not about the right attitude. Hope is not about peace of +mind. Hope is action. Hope is doing something. The more futile, the more +useless, the more irrelevant and incomprehensible an act of rebellion is, +the vaster and more potent hope becomes. Hope never makes sense. Hope is +weak, unorganized and absurd. Hope, which is always nonviolent, exposes in +its powerlessness, the lies, fraud and coercion employed by the state. Hope +knows that an injustice visited on our neighbor is an injustice visited on +all of us. Hope posits that people are drawn to the good by the good. This +is the secret of hope's power. Hope demands for others what we demand for +ourselves. Hope does not separate us from them. Hope sees in our enemy +our own face. + ― Chris Hedges +% +Racism towards Muslims is as evil as anti-Semitism, but try to express +this simple truth on a partisan Palestinian or Israeli website. + ― Chris Hedges, Death of the Liberal Class +% +A society without the means to detect lies and theft soon squanders its +liberty and freedom. + ― Chris Hedges +% +Really, the comforting side in most conspiracy theory arguments is the +one claiming that anyone who's in power has any plan at all. + ― xkcd #1081 (mouseover text) +% +A person who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. +(This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) + ― Dave Barry +% +Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations +and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot +actually masturbate. + ― Dave Barry +% +Styling mousse, which is gunk that looks like shaving cream ... was invented +by a French hair professional whom, if you met him, you would want to punch +directly in the mouth. + ― Dave Barry +% +There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the +sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the sunlight +that hits your neighbors' homes, too. + ― Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" +% +There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on +Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large +elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no +recollection of what to do with them. + ― Dave Barry +% +It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical +need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as +some kind of recreational activity. + ― Dave Barry +% +No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. + ― Dave Barry +% +Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, +today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. + ― Dave Barry +% +People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want +you to share yours with them. + ― Dave Barry +% +It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. + ― Albert Einstein +% +Imagination is more important than knowledge. + ― Albert Einstein +% +If A equals success, then the formula is: + A= X + Y + Z +X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. + ― Albert Einstein +% +Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The +latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to +hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence. + ― Albert Einstein +% +The tyranny of the ignoramuses is insurmountable and assured for all time. + ― Albert Einstein +% +We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we +created them. + ― Albert Einstein +% +Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else, unless it is an +enemy. + ― A. Einstein +% +My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior +spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive +with our frail and feeble mind. + ― Albert Einstein +% +Never do anything against conscience even if the state demands it. + ― Albert Einstein, as quoted by Virgil Henshaw in + "Albert Einstein: Philosopher Scientist" (1949) +% +The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it +seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the +fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving +after rational knowledge. + ― Albert Einstein +% +The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. + ― Albert Einstein +% +The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason +for existing. + ― Albert Einstein +% +The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible. + ― Albert Einstein +% +The only real valuable thing is intuition. + ― Albert Einstein +% +God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. + ― Albert Einstein +% +God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates +empirically. + ― Albert Einstein +% +Dear Posterity, If you have not become more just, more peaceful, and generally +more rational than we are (or were) ― why then, the Devil take you. + ― Albert Einstein, message for a time capsule +% +Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. + ― Albert Einstein +% +As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not +certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. + ― Albert Einstein +% +Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. + ― Albert Einstein +% +An autocratic system of coercion, in my opinion, soon degenerates. For +force always attracts men of low morality, and I believe it to be an +invariable rule that tyrants of genius are succeeded by scoundrels. + ― Albert Einstein, The World As I See It (1931) +% +"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." + ― Albert Einstein +% +"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but +World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." + ― Albert Einstein +% +A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be. + ― Albert Einstein +% +All that is valuable in human society depends upon the opportunity +for development accorded the individual. + ― Albert Einstein +% +An empty stomach is not a good political adviser. + ― Albert Einstein +% +Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a +touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. + ― Albert Einstein +% +As far as I'm concerned, I prefer silent vice to ostentatious virtue. + ― Albert Einstein +% +Concern for man and his fate must always form the chief interest of all +technical endeavors. Never forget this in the midst of your diagrams and +equations. + ― Albert Einstein +% +Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine +are still greater. + ― Albert Einstein +% +Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in +school. + ― Albert Einstein +% +Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that +counts cannot necessarily be counted. + ― Albert Einstein +% +Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre +minds. + ― Albert Einstein +% +He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my +contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the +spinal cord would suffice. + ― Albert Einstein +% +I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the +years of maturity. + ― Albert Einstein +% +If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough. + ― Albert Einstein +% +People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his +ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them. + ― Steven Wright +% +I came home the other night and tried to open the door with my car keys...and +the building started up. So I took it out for a drive. A cop pulled me over +for speeding. He asked me where I live. I said, "Here." + ― Steven Wright +% +I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house +and 4 people died. + ― Steven Wright +% +My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of +the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". + ― Steven Wright +% +You can't have everything. Where would you put it? + ― Steven Wright +% +You know that feeling when you're leaning back on a stool and it starts to tip +over? Well, that's how I feel all the time. + ― Steven Wright +% +I'm making wine at home, but I make it out of raisins, so it'll be aged +automatically. + ― Steven Wright +% +Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see 'em at the beach. Pisses me off. + ― Steven Wright +% +Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean +would be, if that didn't happen. + ― Steven Wright +% +It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. + ― Steven Wright +% +I remember the day the candle shop burned down. Everyone just stood around +and sang, "Happy birthday." + ― Steven Wright +% +If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? + ― Steven Wright +% +Once I stayed in a hotel where the pool was on the 23rd floor. I couldn't +believe how deep it was. + ― Steven Wright +% +There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like +an idiot. + ― Steven Wright +% +What's another word for, "thesaurus?" + ― Steven Wright +% +Whenever I think about the past, it's just bring back so many memories. + ― Steven Wright +% +Once I was walking through the woods, and I saw a rabbit standing in front +of a candle, making shadows of people on a tree. I said, "Don't be so +sarcastic." + ― Steven Wright +% +I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future, but just way off to +the side. + ― Steven Wright +% +It's hard for me to buy clothes, 'cause I'm not my size. + ― Steven Wright +% +Small keyboards make for big mistakes. + ― Joe Gunn +% +The last refuge of the insomniac is a sense of superiority to the sleeping world. + ― Leonard Cohen +% +Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is +just the ash. + ― Leonard Cohen +% +Children show scars like medals. Lovers use them as a secrets to reveal. A +scar is what happens when the word is made flesh. + ― Leonard Cohen, The Favorite Game +% +I don't consider myself a pessimist. I think of a pessimist as someone who +is waiting for it to rain. And I feel soaked to the skin.” + ― Leonard Cohen +% +The older I get, the surer I am that I’m not running the show. + ― Leonard Cohen +% +Deprivation is the mother of poetry. + ― Leonard Cohen, The Favorite Game +% +We are so lightly here. It is in love that we are made. In love we disappear. + ― Leonard Cohen +% +There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. + ― Leonard Cohen, Selected Poems, 1956-1968 +% +This is a broken world, and we live with broken hearts and broken lives, +but still that is no alibi for anything. On the contrary, you have to stand +up and say, "Hallelujah," under those circumstances. + ― Leonard Cohen +% +A human is a system for converting dust billions of years ago into dust +billions of years from now via a roundabout process which involves checking +email a lot. + Randall Munroe (xkcd #1173) +% +Among the many invectives I invent when people piss me off, this is my +current favorite: 'Fuck yer own throat, you piss-dribbling monkey dick!' +I'm hoping it catches on with you folks. + Jon Miller, a.k.a., Doc Spender +% +"Well, vegans, as you know, don't have eggs, meat, dairy, or senses of humor." + Peter Sagal, on NPR's "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" (21 Sep, 2013) +% +An ounce of perversion is worth a pound of pure. + ― Dr. Mark Crislip +% +Holy water is often contaminated with bacteria and, as a result, I +hypothesize that Pasteur went to Hell, since, if he'd gone to heaven, all +the water would be clean." + Dr. Mark Crislip +% +It is ignoring the nuances of a complicated topic to grind your axe that +annoys me. + Dr. Mark Crislip +% +Anybody who thinks that homeopathy is appropriate therapy for anything but +thirst is ... unfit to care for patients. + Dr. Mark Crislip +% +That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. + ― Dorothy Parker +% +There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in +it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words. + ― Dorothy Parker +% +If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second +greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The +Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, +while they’re happy. + ― Dorothy Parker +% +I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid. + ― Dorothy Parker +% +That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she +went, including here, it was against her better judgment. + ― Dorothy Parker +% +The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. + ― Dorothy Parker +% +Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. + ― Dorothy Parker +% +This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with +great force. + ― Dorothy Parker, on Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" +% +It's not the tragedies that kill us; it's the messes. + ― Dorothy Parker +% +All those writers who write about their own childhood! Gentle God, if I +wrote about mine you wouldn't sit in the same room with me. + ― Dorothy Parker +% +Sometimes, a grand adventure begins when you lick the evil. Joe Pizzirusso +% +Angels are very good at math. That's why they call them arc-angels. + ― Steven Novella (The Skeptics Guide to the Universe) +% +"Girls are complicated. The instruction manual that comes with girls is 800 +pages, with chapters 14, 19, 26 and 32 missing, and it's badly translated, +hard to figure out." + Huge Laurie, on raising a girl +% +There is no material safety data sheet for astatine. If there were, it would +just be the word "NO" scrawled over and over in charred blood. + Randall Munroe, "What If?" +% +Telling a child that everyone dies is the hardest thing about being a party +clown. + James Ferace +% +Last night, I told my kid that the night light only makes it easier for +the monsters to find her. + James Ferace \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/derp.ico b/derp.ico deleted file mode 100644 index bf7cde6107c7f01be02d4d4809fdf15e4db7b4c6..0000000000000000000000000000000000000000 GIT binary patch literal 0 HcmV?d00001 literal 370070 zcmeI536K<3n#Zg9zPqdGrlGs*LL3eS6;K?}0r3Ej1_4177(q}F@c{3WOFbk4CGV937Uq^hMb>#8h z_x=9gd-*c+mB-`t)Ogz3JnApxSykonoTp!f`rrRteg13p*`bH-e}ACIb491eGi_S` z`_a=qp1>53XTyg5@9Vst6R+2=^H(NZT}_nax-y2^y_%=&w4swDjBR`FdhSz4D(h%w)qqa^&%X7M&w zCv0EotCPBkT~hze9vSh~oheOk-!P@yShsRWU1UEEGY*#Edz&Tv#qGwn!S`>H@MpJ0 z_7nd6b}>Hta+`#e1%IbW|T52NuH;+@% zTqi@nyHFaA?v?r@yTy0u3DS7#!Nz(G#~&ntH?EVOhnFU7XKrsUdtbOp0&i`UhN;1f z>zdn?_fnJ}ayOl4LdvEoGxN*_Be$s!V*l`Wx#U^uVK2)ymD0L$x-_45pj39$XT9$V zU!$}vIb53OjuLOfKu%V&%X%MrU7cHXyA^u(DycnaNY>j{e`A=@9);eyQYwcwWW8N{ z`69=E|5~X#q*FXq6F%J4aRrDcQ&Q;N$}kpjdlF5T$iv;@SV-ZcSEk2lJfW_|4pYK zk+6N;kt2=mTF#l8@SRy!-@2K`I$D3`XXdhX#k7paO?Uj~{^KKAwrrWCJN}k`+a(V? 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